I am being to hard on him?
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I am being to hard on him?
| Thu, 04-05-2007 - 12:50pm |
DH & I are suppose to go out tonight to watch a hockey game at a local pub. Turns out that we might not have a sitter. I told DH that it's ok if he goes without me IF he's back at a decent hour. But it turns out that the only people that are going tonight are his single male friends. If you've read my previous post DH is notorious for saying he'll be back at a certain time (like 1am) but will come home hours later (like 5am!). He knows that I have huge issues with him hanging out with single friends (since they always influence him to stay out late, and DH is a big pushover when it comes to his friends). We have two kids ages 6 & 2 so his friends don't understand the concept of responsibility/family and to top it off they ask DH to pay for things! I asked DH to promise me that he'll be back by a reasonable time. But he said, "I just won't go then." I know he won't go just because he knows if he does go he won't be back before 3am!
Is it wrong of me to not want him hanging out with his single friends til 3 or 5am?! What should I do when he goes out and comes home at that time?
Is it wrong of me to not want him hanging out with his single friends til 3 or 5am?! What should I do when he goes out and comes home at that time?

haermoni,
I do remember your early post about this. I don't think you are being unfair at all by asking him to come home at a decent hour. The is the responsible thing to do as a husband and a father.
I guess if he does do it you could make him sleep on the couch, or ask him not to go out anymore if he can't home at a decent time.
Have you tried either of those things?
glitter-graphics.com
He would go out all night when I was pregnant w/ our son and during our son's younger years. His outings subsided a bit when our son was in his pre-teens and but then we split up for a few years. We made an attempt at a reunion only to have the all-nighters come back w/ a vengence (this time instead of just drinking it was drug use also).
It was getting so bad he would not even come home after work (especially on payday) leaving me to take care of our then teenage son. I would also have to pay the bills that were due that week because he would spend his whole check on the partying. It got totally out of control.
I was always patient when we were younger, allowing him to go out w/out fussing, trying to accept it as "boys will be boys." After all, I didn't want to be the nagging, kill joy that his friends and family complained about w/ their wives and girlfriends. I just patiently stayed home and hoped he would grow out of this phase.
Your situation doesn't sound nearly as extreme as mine was but I can tell you it gets old really quick and when a few all-nighters turns into many, trust me, you have a serious problem. I see nothing wrong w/ a night out w/ his guy friends once in a while but this man made a commitment to you and your children and when it becomes habit, it's unacceptable.
If anything, it is disrespectful to you. After all, how would he like it if you did the same to him? What if you decided to go out w/ a few single girlfriends at a bar? How would he like to wait up for you until 5am? I can tell you he would probably be plenty ticked off.
Are you being too hard on him? I don't think so. If you think it is developing into a problem , it probably is. I know of plenty of husbands who have
the common decency to come home at a reasonable time. These all-nighters breed resentment and distrust. I'm sure your mind is racing w/ all the possibilities of what could be going on while he's out.
I think next time this happens you should try to do something to get your mind off of it for the time being. Go see a movie or have coffee w/ a friend (if you can't find a sitter, take your kids somewhere fun) ANYTHING to get your mind off of this dilemma.
I found that when I went out w/ a friend for a while or went for a walk, I was focusing my energy on ME and not on what my man doing. I found it to be a huge waste of time worrying about what he was doing and trying to control what I really had no control over.
Concerning the long-term solution to this ,you two need to have a talk when you are both calm and there are no distractions. You may need to talk to a counselor. Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling, you should go for your own benefit to help you deal with this. (It should go without saying, trying to talk to him when he comes home after an all night bender is not the best time!) Though he may still want to have contact w/ the single friends, are there any married friends he could hang out with? They might be a better influence on him since they also have wives they have to answer to.
I really hope things improve for you...I know it's hard, especially w/ children involved. Good Luck!!