I am desperate for advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
I am desperate for advise.
4
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:16am
My husband and I have been married 24years. within the first year he had an

affair which we managed to sort out and for the next 20 years every thing was fairly

ok.We then made freinds with a couple and went out regulary with them and untill I found

out that my husband and girl frend was meeting behind my back.Anyway to cut a long story short the exuse I was given was she had problems with her marriage and he was given her support.I dont believe a word of it there was to much chemistry

between them and not just myself that noticed it.We cut all ties with them and a year late

I still couldnt get it out of head and called our marrage a day.My husband was devastate for 3 months but then moved on and found himself a barmaid.At this point we were still living together and it was awfull to watch and because of what I had done to their father my 2 girls were not speaking to me. although they knew that he had not been easy to live I was stoped from seeing my granddaughter when she was born and she was 3 months old when I first seen her. Anyway my husband and I had a long talk and agreed to give our marrage another go only to find out 3 month later all he had told me was lies he was still seeing his girl friend behind my back. He then promised to stop seeing her and for over a year I thought he had.I then found out that he had seen her once a week through that year which he denies and still continues to but I know the truth and I find it hard to live with which he expects me too.What should I do? its eating me up and I cant make I marriage work on a load of lies. I have told him this and he said that it all in my heads please help me I think I am going mad.

Please exuse my typing as you can see I have only just began to use the pc

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:51am
Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me.

How many times are you going to take him back, knowing that he will cheat on you again? You are giving him the o.k. to do so. He takes you back knowing full well that he can sleep with this other woman and you will forgive him..

Each time he says he won't cheat, what does he do proactively to stop the cheating? Is he in counseling? Has he matured in any way? Has he gotten to the core reason of why he does it?

It is time for marriage counseling or a permanent break.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:34pm
I honestly don't think there is much hope here because he continuously lies about what he is doing and wants you to believe that you're crazy. It's unfortunate that your children are giving you a hard time about this, but I assume they are grown and have their own lives. You need to be worried about yourself now, and I think you should just file for divorce and let him go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:45pm
He isn't treating you like the "love of his life" like a wife should be. I would leave. It is unfair the children want to make this more difficult for you, but the last post was correct in that it is time to make YOU happy now. If they truly know the circumstances and they are old enough to understand them, they are being selfish in wanting you to stick around, if they want what is best for their mother. This person isn't as dedicated to that work like you are and so therefore should not be allowed to be such a huge part of your life any longer - they should only want to make your life better, and that doesn't seem to be the case at all. He keeps going off to do "other things" and then comes back when it doesn't workout - what are you to him??

I'm sure if you do decide to leave him for good, this will be the hardest break to do in your entire life - but think of it just like that; your ENTIRE life, you need to make the rest of it something you love, otherwise you will waste time on someone so undeserving.

I broke up with someone after dating 6 yrs in a similar situation, I just kept forgiving him and being there for him, until he left me no other choice. He was almost an addiction and I just kept patching it up for short-term happiness, always knowing that in the long-run I would never truly be getting what I deserve. It took a long time to finally heal, but it was the best thing I ever did - be STRONG, nothing stays the same forever, just like the sadness you might be feeling.

 

Tiffany

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 4:49am
Thank you so much for your post it helped immensely, and you were spot

with everything,I can.t tell you how humble I felt recieving so much

support it was heart warming to think that people such as yourself

took the trouble to reply and even harder to think that anyone even cares. My sincere thanks to everyone that replied.