I am in disbelieve

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
I am in disbelieve
8
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 4:58pm

I wrote here last week about an incident that happened 3 weeks ago were my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years daughter ran out of gas at 10 pm at nite and I get up at 4 am and she was mad that I did not go with her to put gas in her daughters car. Mind you she didnt ask , but the next day said that any other person would have went, to which I replied I had to get up at 4 am and that her daughters social life is not my main concern, which led to an argument the following day when she was suppose to visit a girlfriend of hers and spend the night then with me.
She never called me from her girlfriends and never even came home and then called me the following day to use as a excuse the way I handled her daughters fuel problem. Needless to say I exploded , which isnt a good way to handle it but I was so sick and tired of hearing any other person would have done this which I have heard for 3 1/2 years.
Now she has said that she cant do this anymore and I asked her if she thought breaking up over a gas can was a good reason to which she just replies we dont see things the same. Now i never struck this person, or cheated on them , I dont do drugs and I am currently finishing a bachelors degree , I just cant figure out what a person wants anymore from a guy in a relationship.
When I have put up with being accused, spied on, and had to deal with all types of insecurities to boot. We were suppose to get a house together and both our houses were up for sale and we were looking , then I find out she puts money on a place for herself without telling me and her reasoning was reality sunk in. I asked what reality and was never given a clear answer. But she told me that we had to get married to buy this house and I replied that I wont get married to buy a house as a ultimatum, that I would prefer I do the proposing instead of being forced into something that I didnt think we were ready for because of our ups and downs. She is a very insecure person and I dont have the time or inclination to list everything that was done to me, but I hung in there because I love the person.
Well all that aside after this last incident she says she just cant do this anymore because of our breakups, but the thing is most of the time they arent because of things between us its because of outside factors. I tried to convince her of this but she just wont or doesnt want to listen. So thats some of my story , im just confused as to what someone has to do these days to be in a happy relationship.
don

Edited 7/8/2007 5:35 pm ET by topgun923




Edited 7/8/2007 5:36 pm ET by topgun923
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 7:16pm

It sounds as though her leaving you is a blessing in disguise! Honestly, with all the problems you list, I can't begin to understand why you'd want to be with her.

>>im just confused as to what someone has to do these days to be in a happy relationship.<<

It's not about the fact that you don't do drugs or cheat etc etc. To me, these are the absolute basics that one can expect of a partner. Those traits alone would not keep me the slightest bit satisfied in a relationship. It's the extras which really count.

It's about wanting the same things in life. It's about having the same morals and ethics. It's about BOTH parties treating each other and themselves with love and respect. And it's about BOTH parties being happy and secure in themselves.

The way you write about the relationship, she obviously isn't secure in herself and is therefore unable to be part of a healthy relationship. But you were accepting so much bad behaviour that it's impossible for you to list it all. Don, doesn't this tell you that you're not emotionally healthy either? If you respected yourself, you would not tolerate half of what she'd done to you. What you describe is not what a loving relationship looks like.

Get yourself into some counselling and figure out why you'd want to be with someone who treated you like she did. Learn to make better choices about who you choose as a partner.

When you've gotten your self respect back, you'll be able to find a great relationship.

Good luck to you.




Edited 7/8/2007 7:56 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 10:27pm

Don, what someone has to do to be in a happy relationship these days is choose someone who is happy in the first place. This woman obviously doesn't qualify. You deserve a secure woman who is willing to trust you and be honest with you, someone who is independent and doesn't already know how "any other person" would respond to situations.

She is right when she says that the two of you see things differently, and that this is the source of your problems. You will be much happier after you have grieved the end of the relationship and found someone who shares your view of the world.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 9:40am

<>

What exactly does that mean? Do you normally explode when angry or arguing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:04am
you would also if you kept getting blamed for others mistakes or always being told , this is what any other person would have done. Well answer me this who's to say what any other person would have done. Maybe they would have done something completely off the wall. And by exploding I mean I start to yell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:55am

The point is this; it really doesn't matter what someone else would do in any given circumstance - you aren't that someone. Don't make excuses for that or feel bad about it. Just know that if this were a healthy loving r/ship (I don't think you can love w/o things like respect and consideration) then you wouldn't have to feel bad about the basic essence of who you are. Her behaviour of not calling until the next day is childish and completely immature. For a healthy r/ship, you need to start with a mature adult. And you need to act like one as well. Instead of "exploding" about the 'any other personw would have' comment - you merely say, "I am not any other person. You are a grown, responsible adult and I expect you will ask for help if/when you need it. I can't change the past now so what do you need to get past this?"

In the beginning of our r/ship, my DH used to say things like, "do you really want to say that?" Whenever I said things that could turn into a big fight. Often, all I had to do was reword what I was saying to better express myself and then instead of a big fight - we got an adult discussion. Learning to communicate effectively in any r/ship is a difficult task. The better both partners are, the better the r/ship will be.

Good luck,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 6:16pm
Thanks for the insight . I will keep this in mind and try to stick to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:25pm

she is not a happy person. she does not take responsibility for her own happiness.

see, what she does is blame you for her unhappiness and her problems.

she will probably never see or understand that she is the source of her feelings of unhappiness and because she feels lonely. yet, she blames you for how she feels.

these are actions of someone who is emotionally immature. this is a person who has not yet grown up.

after you are gone from her life, she will still have the same problems. but, now you will not be there to blame any longer. have no fear though, she will still feel better that you are gone (less drama, no one there to answer to, etc., etc.) and will feel justified in how she treated you. In her mind, you weren't there for her. you did not take care of her needs - so you deserved everything you got.

she will never see it the way you do. never. this is a giant blessing that you can not even imagine is as big a blessing as it really is.

seriously, what could this woman give you that you can't get from a different woman? one that actually cares about someone other than herself?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 8:25pm
i am starting to become a believer. this morning she e mailed me and said she didnt want any more contact after I stated that in a email before. then she says in the same message that I could answer the email if I want. So like A idiot I did and tried to re explain things and then she turns around and says no more emails . well I finally said enough and deleted all her previous emails and wont answer her anymore . I cant believe people cant see what they are doing and take accountability but as was stated in previous responses, they wont. so I will try not to answer her just delete any from her if she writes again. thanks for the advice.


Edited 7/9/2007 8:29 pm ET by topgun923