I am infatuated with a female colleague
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| Sat, 09-13-2008 - 5:33am |
I am a 44 year old male and a professional in the legal field. I have become infatuated and may have fallen in love with a female colleague.
We are very good friends, but we don’t have any kind of intimate relationship, and she has never shown any inclination to start one.We have worked together for over 10 years.We get along marvellously. Apart from working in a team together,we generally enjoy each others company.We periodically lunch together and we seem to be able to discuss anything and everything together (family,friends,politics,the lot)for hours.We are very careful not to cross the line when together.
Both of us are married,I've been married for nearly 20 years and have three young to teen children.She will soon have 4 small children under 6.
My marriage has been a generally happy one.My wife loves me and takes good care of me and the kids.We enjoy a pretty good love life.She's a stay at home mum, small town type of girl.
My work colleague is also family orientated but challenges me more intellectually.I think that's why I've enjoyed her friendship over these years.She similarly is married to a non-professional, a tradesman, who doesn't share her interests in reading, restaurants,politics etc.
I want to get things back into perspective. I know that there is very little prospect of my obsession turning into a real relationship (with 7 small kids involved) and I don't want to get involved in an affair with my colleague.First,I respect both my wife and my colleague to much for that and I morally don't want to cheat on my wife. I also don't want to jeopardise my working relationship or personal friendship with my colleague. I want to make my marriage work. However, I am finding it very difficult to deal with my obsession with my colleague.I never intended for a moment to consider my colleague anything other than a good friend and my feelings for her have developed over many years.It is not some sudden infatuation.
She is constantly in my thoughts, and I crave her company. However, as we work together cutting myself off from her completely would be very difficult.To tell the truth I don't know if I want to.I want to maintain a close but non-intimate relationship with her.This is what I have had with her for years.However,for reasons I'm not sure my feelings for her have deepened.I certainly,never intended them to.
This is making me preoccupied and depressed, which doesn’t help my ‘proper’ relationship with my wife.
I have not mentioned my colleague’s role to my wife.
What should I do.Should I raise the issue with my colleague or my wife? Is there any way I can preserve both relationships, keeping one platonic.How can I return things as they were?

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I'm impressed with the depth of your understanding of the situation you're in, and your appreciation for the fact that you want to and should stay loyal to your
Welcome to the board aussie2008,
Pretty much this - I want to maintain a close but non-intimate relationship with her. will be next to impossible to accomplish in light of these two things - we seem to be able to discuss anything and everything together (family,friends,politics,the lot)for hours
Looking at the below criteria for an emotional affair I'd respond as follows:
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went? No
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner? No
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend? Partly
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend? Yes
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings? Yes
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship? Yes
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others? No
8. Are you in love with your friend? Not sure but possibly
So as you can see things are not often black and white in the real world.
That being said (I agree that at least on my part)my feelings for my colleague are not platonic .
Leaving the company is not an option as I own it.
My colleague has worked with me for close to 15 years it would be very unjust to her (and probably illegal) for me to ask her to leave because I've developed feelings for her.Especially as she may possibly not share those feelings.
I should point out that about 70% of the colleagues I work with are females and that it is not unusual for me to have lunch with them.In the high pressure world I work in ,you tend to develop close relationships with your colleagues.This is not a 9 to 5 job.Although,till now this has not been a problem.
I should point out I've not spent the last 10 years building an emotionally intimate relationship with my colleague. Our relationship for many years has only been a professional one and a friendship.In fact,as I have to work with many female colleagues, I'm very careful not to cross the line.I should say my colleague always acts appropriately.Only recently,have developed feelings for her.
Finally,I have tried limiting lunches with her.However,as I am in contact with her regularly anyway,it doesn't seem to help.
Do you think I should discuss the situation with my colleague?
::I should point out I've not spent the last 10 years building an emotionally intimate relationship with my colleague. Our relationship for many years has only been a professional one and a friendship.
Your use of the word "ground work" suggests a deliberativeness of purpose which has never existed.I never intended to have any feelings for my colleague,I don't even know if she has any for me.We have always acted appropriately when together, keeping the conversation away from more personal or intimate matters.
I don't have any problems with my wife having long term male friends,but of course I'd be concerned if she had feelings for another man.
Edited 9/13/2008 7:02 pm ET by aussie2008
Sorry bad choice of terms on my part.
Limerence has certain basic components
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