I am infatuated with a female colleague
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| Sat, 09-13-2008 - 5:33am |
I am a 44 year old male and a professional in the legal field. I have become infatuated and may have fallen in love with a female colleague.
We are very good friends, but we don’t have any kind of intimate relationship, and she has never shown any inclination to start one.We have worked together for over 10 years.We get along marvellously. Apart from working in a team together,we generally enjoy each others company.We periodically lunch together and we seem to be able to discuss anything and everything together (family,friends,politics,the lot)for hours.We are very careful not to cross the line when together.
Both of us are married,I've been married for nearly 20 years and have three young to teen children.She will soon have 4 small children under 6.
My marriage has been a generally happy one.My wife loves me and takes good care of me and the kids.We enjoy a pretty good love life.She's a stay at home mum, small town type of girl.
My work colleague is also family orientated but challenges me more intellectually.I think that's why I've enjoyed her friendship over these years.She similarly is married to a non-professional, a tradesman, who doesn't share her interests in reading, restaurants,politics etc.
I want to get things back into perspective. I know that there is very little prospect of my obsession turning into a real relationship (with 7 small kids involved) and I don't want to get involved in an affair with my colleague.First,I respect both my wife and my colleague to much for that and I morally don't want to cheat on my wife. I also don't want to jeopardise my working relationship or personal friendship with my colleague. I want to make my marriage work. However, I am finding it very difficult to deal with my obsession with my colleague.I never intended for a moment to consider my colleague anything other than a good friend and my feelings for her have developed over many years.It is not some sudden infatuation.
She is constantly in my thoughts, and I crave her company. However, as we work together cutting myself off from her completely would be very difficult.To tell the truth I don't know if I want to.I want to maintain a close but non-intimate relationship with her.This is what I have had with her for years.However,for reasons I'm not sure my feelings for her have deepened.I certainly,never intended them to.
This is making me preoccupied and depressed, which doesn’t help my ‘proper’ relationship with my wife.
I have not mentioned my colleague’s role to my wife.
What should I do.Should I raise the issue with my colleague or my wife? Is there any way I can preserve both relationships, keeping one platonic.How can I return things as they were?

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Aussie,
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At first, I thought your problem was that your feelings had become a burdensome distraction, but now I think that perhaps what is most bothersome to you is the need to know if she feels the same or not.
You realize that you spent (and probably spend) and awful lot of time finding and pointing out the things that are common between you and your colleague?
Things don't go backwards. This obsession has arisen and it has to be handled properly. As you work with this colleague everyday, I think it would be quite important for you to get a handle on it. Obsessions can grow and it can be hard to control them. They are there for a reason and I certainly suggest that you see a professional therapist about this. Often an obsession arises as a defense against other issues that may be going on. There are many people who can become adversely affected by this and hurt. Be careful. Be responsible. Get the real help you need. You need professional help, support and clarity to work through the deep feelings and needs here.
Best wishes,
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