I am new at this

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
I am new at this
2
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:37pm
Hello,

I am extremely confused. Recently my boyfriend of 4 years asked me and my son to move in with him. After careful consideration I agreed. I never pressured him for marriage and although we've had our share of problems I assumed he was ready to committ and take the next step toward a solid life together. We agreed/committed to trial period of six months to work out the kinks/and adjust and at six months re-evluate to determind the next step (marriage, six more months etc). Our first month was blissful but our second month was a little rockier. I assumed this was our adjustment period, However after a small misunderstanding he now wants out of the relationship period only after two months. I don't understand, we managed to stick together and work through our problems for the past 4 years yet when it appeared that we moved to the next step, we (he) couldn't even make it through two months. My belief is that his nerves are getting the best of him but at the same time, I can only go by what he says - which is he wants out. Should I be patient and give him time or look for a new place and move on? BTW It's been two weeks since he announced his feelings but we have been getting along and responding to each other as normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:43pm
Because you have a child to look out for, I would start looking for a new place. That doesn't mean you have to move out tomorrow, but I would make sure you have a place to go in case tomorrow evening he freaks out and tells you that you need to move out right then. IF you have friends or family that you can stay with, then that's fine, but if not, I would start looking at houses or apartments.

I would sit him down when he is in a good mood and while you 2 are alone and tell him that you need to look out for yourself and your child and you need to know if he was serious about wanting out. Tell him that you want things to work out, but don't try to force him to your way of thinking.

Also you said you had some problems.. it will help people post if they know what kind of problems you have faced in the past. And what happened during the 2nd month of living together that you referred to as a small misunderstanding?

Just remember you want someone who will be there for you and your child thru the good and the bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:20pm
Hi Batharine

Thanks for your insight.


Our problems in the past has been arguements. Not that we are excessive or abusive in our agruments, we just see things differently. While I feel, that it's normal and healtly for couples to argue at times, he feels that it shows disfunction and is very intolerant/impatient when we disagree. On occasions (twice) he has attempted to end the relationship only to come around to understand that its part of the growth process in a relationship. In four years we've only had 4 heated arguements.

The long and short of the misunderstanding in the 2nd month; while on a out of town trip together we were hanging out trying to find something to get into. We were attending a large conference so there was plenty going on, tons of people out and we were jumping from spot to spot. Some ladies (two) offered share their cab with us so we can get to the next party. When we get there my boyfriend then suggest (I thought to just me) that if this party was dead that we hold on to the cab and go to the next spot, but then ask the two ladies if they wanted to join us. Well I wasn't in the mood nor did I feel it was appropriate for him to ask these two strange women if they wanted to continue hanging out with us. So I I told him so, but apparently too loud because everyone in the cab heard me and he felt I tried to embarrass him. I wasn't angry and did realized that my voice carried,however I want to be clear that I had no intentions of haning out with strange women. I don't think he would have been too keen on the idea if the situation was reversed.

I think he is bitter because of it.

I hope this helps you understand it better, but thanks again for your advice