I am new to the board have a Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
I am new to the board have a Question
10
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:16pm
i've been married 19 years . I really don't want to hurt my husband and not sure what to do about this. I know if I tell him the truth he will be crushed. Also we did seperate for a year and when we got back together we said it was forever(when we got back together I had just had another mans baby and was not thinking straight, also things I thought would change haven't) Hubby keeps asking me if I find him attractive, if I love him . I don't and not sure how to tell him or if I should risk breaking his heart and telling him the truth. He would be crushed. He is a good man and we have a great friendship. If we do ever have sex it isn't fufilling for me. Any suggestions on what I should do or say? I really dont' want to hurt him....
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:15pm

Welcome to the board Lori,


You can't (shouldn't) stay with him just because you don't want to hurt him. He deserves to be with someone that loves him and wants to be with him. If you is asking you those questions, than more than likely it is because he is concerned and knows what your true feelings towards him really are. I think you just need to sit him down and tell him how you really feel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:27pm

Welcome to the board hotallthetime,


You are in a difficult situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:22pm
Thank you for your replies. I haven't considered marriage counseling because I just dont' know if it is worth all that work. I have mentioned it in the past to him but he said he wouldn't go, that we could work out our own problems. To be honest I think it is past counseling.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 2:03am
my suggestion, after being with the same man for over 14 years, tell him the truth...you are not only lying to yourself, you are lying to him. it will hurt him more in the long run. get with it and be honest. he will respect you more and then work on other issues. coming from a 51 year old who just got dumped by a 30 year old. i would have appreciated honesty. we are all adults here. if i'm too harsh, please let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 8:30am

"when we got back together I had just had another mans baby"


Can't understand what your husband might have been thinking - this would have been enough for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 2:00pm
Thoyum, you are not being to harsh! I did tell him the truth. He refuses to give up and wants to try to work things out. However I did find an email that he had sent to an old girl friend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 8:43pm

If you are not enjoying sex with him why not introduce new things that you would like to see as part of your sexual relationship?


Is there anything he can do to become more attractive to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 11:07pm
Sounds like he's not being honest with you. Did you ask him about the ex? I sometimes wonder what men are thinking. I'm over 50 and still can't seem to figure them out. My ex-husband wants to get back together. I finally told him that I didn't want to be his nurse. he was in an auto accident that he caused because he was mad at me and tried to commit suicide. Now he's going to lose his legs (probably) and wants me back. I told him that he doesn't need a wife,he needs a nurse. I don't love him anymore. Haven't in over 2 years. I'm filing for divorce which I hadn't done before because of the med problems he was having. Felt bad enough leaving him but I just can't do that anymore Am I cruel or is he just being his same old selfish self?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 11:15pm

Welcome to the board hotallthetime,


::If we do ever have sex it isn't fufilling for me.


Do you know why it is this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 7:48am

Thoyum, no I don't think you are being cruel! If you haven't loved him in over 2 years then it is time to set yourself free. Honestly if you stayed with him, I think you life would be very unhappy. I am sorry he is in such bad medical shape but if you dont' love him, don' t set yourself up to care for him for the rest of you lives!!!!! Now I could be off base here, but it seems by what you said, he tried to commit suicide, got really hurt and is using guilt to try to get you to take care of him. He does't sound like a stable man and I would worry about you if you stayed with him, not that he would hurt you physically but mentaly I think he would cause you great damage. JMO


I ask hubby about his ex, he said they were just friends. The emails I read, the stuff he said well a married man just doesn't say that to another woman! Also he said among other things that he woudl file for divorce in July. To the others who ask have I tried to reconnect with hubby, yes and he has tried with me. I think we have such a long history (on both our parts) of hurt that it just maybe to late. Even so after being with someone for 18 years and having some wonderful times it is hard to let go. At one point we were very much in love.

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