I am the 'other man' - walking away

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
I am the 'other man' - walking away
4
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:46am
I have been the 'other man' in a relationship for six months now. We fell in love immediately and would otherwise happily spend the rest of our lives together.

They have been together for six years (not married), and they have not been sexually intimate for some time (longer than my relationship with her). Sex aside, her relationship with him is very good.

I have pushed her to make a decision - him or me - and she says she cannot make a decision. She also says she will never say 'never' to us being together.

So, I have effectively walked away.

However, she is insisting that we keep in daily contact and continue to be friends.

I am torn - I find it impossible to be 'just friends', but at the same time am still holding onto some glimmer of hope that by sticking around she may eventually choose me.

Do I... Walk away and never look back? Play the 'just friends' role?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 8:37am

Im not saying to not to be civil, but to just shut your feelings off and just go back to being freinds as if nothing were ever more than that between you two is next to impossible. It may be awhile before you can be just her freind..its obviously more easier for her, or at least thats how she feels. Its not that she cant make a decision, she just wont. Why would she?For six months, she never had to. She had the best of both worlds.


No matter how hard it is to realize now, you did the right thing. Eventually, it would have been you she was cheating on anyways.


best of luck to you,.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 2:53pm
Walk away, don't buy into the 'friends' role. Here's why:

1) it feeds you false hope that she may some day 'pick you'

2) it allows her to stay where she is because she has your continued 'emotional' support

3) you would actually be 'settling' if you allowed contact to be dictated by her

She needs to know that you are serious about your decision, that it's not fair to expect you to continue a friendship with her to meet her emotional needs. Look at it this way, as long as you meet her emotional needs by remaining her friend, you support her in her decision to stay with her bf AND you actually enable her to do so because some of her needs are getting met outside her relationship at home. Don't support this.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 1:52am
Walking away was the best choice. Staying "friends" on a daily basis? That would be keeping you emotionally involved so you don't make your break. Use your new freedom to seek out a healthy relationship where someone isn't involved with another person. That gives more potential to find someone who will be able to be committed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 12:34pm

I would walk away completely IF I were you!Ive been in this situation,both sides of it,cheater and cheatee,cheater due to ex dh cheatin first...seemed like a good idea,revenge!!


anyways if she wont chose,then she has chosen,and it wasnt you that won!she wont leave the other guy,she is getting something out of that relationship~


y ou sound too intelligent and selfrespecting to stay in this mess!get out before the pain you feel gets too extreme!its for the best of everyone involved!


I wuoldnt even bother with friendship with her! not worth it

Proud mom of Madalyn,age 7,wifey 2 Don and waitin on baby!!!!


Proud mom of Madalyn,age 7,wifey 2 Don and waitin on baby!!!!