I am really hurt & need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
I am really hurt & need some advice
4
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 1:49am
I'm not sure where to start this, but I really would like some advice.

I met my husband on April 26th. I know that sounds really crazy, but I just felt like we were meant to be together, and he felt the same way. It wouldn't have been so rushed, but he was getting out of the military and moving, and both of us didn't want to be without the other. We went through some things, but they led us to believe that we were supposed to be together. Our relationship wasn't "typical" from the beginning. We have been together 24/7 from approx. a week since we met each other. I moved across the country to be with him so he could pursue his schooling and so we could build our life together here.

Here is the problem. It's our fights. I feel like it gets very abusive when we have problems. I am not going to point my finger at him in blame for everything, but I really don't know how to deal with this. Here is what happened today: We were having a really nice day, I cooked him a gourmet meal, and after dinner I got on the PC. He came to the door and told me he had to tell me something, but that I shouldn't get upset about it.

Now, when we got married, I deleted everything (so I thought) off of my PC. Pics with other people, pics of me, etc. It turns out that I missed a folder, that he found by opening up my web cam gallery.

So he proceeds to tell me that he found pics of me pregnant, of my breasts, etc. Okay, the last boyfriend that I had (so long ago and such a con-artist) got me pregnant, and I HAD sent him some pics of my belly and my body as well. I miscarried and that was that. Bad memories because I found out he was a total pathological liar after I was 3 mos. preg. I had no idea these things were on my PC.

My husband knew that I had been pregnant and that I had miscarried. It was left at that.

So he comes in here and starts telling me all of these things, I am humiliated and embarrassed, and I apologize. I explain to him that I never knew they were on my PC, and I was sorry that he had to see that. But it didn't stop there. He started asking questions, the "none of your business" line wasn't good enough, and he started asking personal details. So now I am a liar because I didn't tell him I miscarried at 5 mos. I didn't tell him the specifics of that relationship because it was none of his business. He starts accusing me of being a liar... because I told him I wasn't the type of girl to send men naked pics over the internet. To me, that means chatting with men and sending them nudes- which I would never do. Furthermore, those pics never crossed my mind, and I have tried to block out my ex as much as possible. It was a very painful experience.

Lots of things were said, by him, and I tried to defend myself, and then he accused me of being a liar. I was just so upset. He just said some really mean things. He said that I had lied about my neighbor- which is crazy because he doesn't even know anything about this because he wasn't there...he wasn't even in the picture... He said you lied about your neighbor because he was a very good-looking man and could pull p*ssy like you. I said it wasn't my neighbor it was probably Ismael (my ex). I was so pissed, that I actually said, "if he was beautiful it was Ismael you were looking at." I know that was very wrong, but he kept asking me what my ex's name was, where he lived, all these questions that he had no business asking. He was just so angry and demanding, and I told him. But I stopped because I told him that he was way out of line.

I don't want to know about his ex's, I would never ask, but he is not the same. For instance, when we were unpacking his things, I saw a pic of him with his ex. It upset me, but I didn't ask questions. I just told him to get rid of it. And today, he told me that his ex was beautiful, that his friends girlfriend was beautiful, etc. That he was going to go out and find a girl that was beautiful. Really hurt me really bad. All because I was mad and said someone else was beautiful.

I really felt attacked and cornered today. Like I had no chance in hell to defend myself or to explain. I was caught off-guard by the pics and was just dealing with that.

So he goes on to leave. Okay. Go vent I don't care. He comes back and starts grabbing my arm and turning me in the chair. Finally I hit him in the stomach, and he told me to please hit him because he would love to break my face. I was scared, hurt, and shocked. I didn't and still don't understand any of this. Then he came back and did it again, so I grabbed for my phone. Honestly, I was going to call the cops because I feel I do not deserve this. All of his verbal taunts and physical crap. He threw me into the window and kicked my phone. "I can't believe you would call the cops!" Then he trapped me in the room. I told him I wasn't going to deal with this sh*t, and he finally let me go.

I just don't know what to do. I never knew it could get like this. I don't understand any of it, and to top it off, he has been drinking for like 5 hours. Please help me. I am scared.

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 8:28am
GET OUT NOW!! Leave your things behind and get to a woman's shelter or head straight to the police department. This man is VERY dangerous. He's acting like this after you've known eachother not even 3 months....imagine what he'll act like in a year?

This man has the potential to seriously hurt or kill you. I can't encourage you enough to get out as quickly as you can. Right now in fact!! What is your life worth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 10:35am
Get away from this abusive man now. Admit that you made a mistake by rushing into something without getting to know him. Go home and don't look back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 1:45pm
OMG, my eyes are swelling with tears. Get the hell out now. Do you have anywhere to go? Please say that you do and that you have family. You can get the marriage annulled or divorced at six months tops. You never had a chance to heal from the last heartache and I understand why you're there now.

I have been physically and sexually abused by my ex and he even raped me. I got out, got a restraining order, and now divorced and in another state cause he wouldn't leave me alone.

I really, really don't wanna read about you in the paper or on the news.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 12:30am
I agree with the other messages completely. You need to get out now! Not just after a couple of hours but right this minute. In my experience over the years men do NOT get less violent they get more violent. You do not want to stay with a man who would cause you harm when he should be the one person protecting you from harm. And look into the future on this. You certainly don't want to have a child with this man and then have him beating on the child. I know that he will eventually start crying on your shoulder and telling you he is sorry but please do not be fooled. He will not change unless he has massive therapy. If he does choose to go the course of anger management and therapy then stay away till he is done. None of us wants to hear about amnother laci peterson story here. We all hope you will hede our advice.