I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 6:33pm
kansasmomma, ,

sorry to hear about the situation, and I hope you both can get some answers for yourselves - and hang in there. I thought I'd provide some perspective from a guy's point of view. Perhaps I'm being a bit suspicious, but the explanation of why he doesn't love you doesn't quite "add up." I mean, I've lost close family members, had life changes, and have about as much stress as someone can live with - but I couldn't imagine these things causing me to fall out of love with my wife!?



I was just wondering if you had any doubts about him telling you there's no one else? If (hypothetically)he was is cheating on you, he's now living a lie so I doubt he would readily "come clean" about it with you - especially given you have a child and that admission could risk increased punitive alimony payments, etc... Perhap's I'm totally wrong and am missing the point (I sure hope so). Just want you to be a little cautious since you're really vulnerable right now. If your gut is tells you that his story has a lot of "holes" (e.g, he travels or have the type of schedule where he's without you nights or weekends, there have been mysterious pages or cell phone calls, unrecognizable expenses on credit cards, etc...) you might consider checking him out with a PI firm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 7:04pm
I agree with some of what the last poster wrote. It is important to be as supportive of your partner as you can, but you must look out for yourself also. Make sure you are as prepared as you can be for the possibility that he might leave and take funds with him. Set up a separate checking acct in another bank and make sure you have your own access to credit and savings. I'm not saying to clean out your accounts, but try to prepare yourself in case he does the unexpected. It's good you are considering counseling, an objective therapist will help you even if your husband won't go. You might want to consult with a lawyer just to know what you may be facing.

If this all blows over, you have done nothing but look out for yourself and your son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:05pm
I know your scared, but it sounds like your marriage needs counseling. If your husband cares for his family at all, he will get help. He may have said he's not cheating, but it sounds like he either has or has thought about it. Has he even told you why he feels the way he does? This may help to give you better advice. Write back if you feel like it. I hope I was of some help to you. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 1:48pm
To answer someones question my husband is 34. Funny that you asked about that because that is exactly what a friend of mine said. She said that right before her husband turned 35 that he began acting much the same way.

I do not doubt my husbands fidelity for one minute. I asked him that question in an attempt to start a conversation. I guess maybe I was hoping that he would get mad and tell me that he loves me. I am pathetic huh!

I called my doctor because I haven't been able to eat or sleep since this has all came about. I am trying to take care of myself and know that I have to stay physically healthy. My dr.s pa gave me a script for Xanax, just to get me through the weekend. As luck would have it my dr. is out of town until Monday! I know what you all mean about turning to meds. It is something that I struggled with for a week. I hate taking meds! But I really felt I needed to do something. I am hoping that when I see my dr. that he can refer me to a marriage counselor.. if not for us then at least for me. At anyrate, I have thus far taken only one pill and boy did it make me feel loopy! I think I will hold out on taking any more until the anxiety gets really bad.

To update you on the most current events.. as you all know last night was new years eve. Some friends called and invited us over for supper one of those last minute things. I should prob tell you that the friends don't know what is going on with us at the moment. Anyway we went much to my surprise. My husband never hesitated. My husband acted like everything was fine for the most part. I sat by him in their kitchen for a few minutes but mostly tried to give him space and let him and John do some male bonding. And the best part I actually ate supper and was able to keep most of it down too! We had a drink to ring in the new year and then were home by 12:30. I guess because of the alcohol I had hoped that he would let down his guard a bit. After we went to bed I asked him if he would make love to me and he said no that he didn't just feel that way. I hate to say but it really frustrated me because I feel like I am trying everyhing to make things better. When he told me no, I stupidly told him to get out. He got up and dressed and started to walkout the bedroom when I went after him and told him that I didn't mean it that I didn't want him to leave. He told me that he would go stay at the motel and would be back in the morning that he was tired. To make a long story short he stayed he didn;t leave. But now he won't hardly look at me let alone talk to me. When our son woke up they went downstairs to watch tv. Our son came up about an hour later and said that Dad was asleep in his recliner. In fact he's still there now.

Maybe I just need to learn to be more patient. But it is so damn hard.

Oh our friend who just lost her husband called this morning on her way out of town with a question about he DVD player in her surburban. Anyway, I did hear my husband tell her to wish her girls a Happy New Year from US and that if they needed anything to give US a call as WE would be around all weekend. (This friend does know about the situation.)

I am taking the we's and us' to be a good sign that he is still has no intention of leaving despite my flub from last night..

I think I will check out that mid life crisis site that someone mentioned earlier. UGH!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:10pm
{quote}I do not doubt my husbands fidelity for one minute{quote}

Not trying to scare you, but during my 12 years of marriage...I never doubted my husbands fidelity either. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that he would cheat on me, he just was not that kind of person.

After I got the speech from him that he needed space, that he wasn't sure he still loved me...blah, blah, blah.....I asked him point blank if there was someone else. Over and over, he would look me dead in the eyes and deny it. I wanted so much to believe him but could not get that feeling out of my mind, so after a little snooping on my own, I found out that there was someone else.

So...with that said, just be very cautious. Like I said, I do not want to scare you or worry you, but just know that infidelity can happen even to the best of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:17pm

hugs honey! with all due respect to "midlife crisis" and assorted justifications, it sounds like your marriage NEEDS counseling. and NOW. it doesn't matter what your husband wants - you NEED this. that is what i think. you are both going thru something difficult, your husband is not sure what he wants, or maybe he is sure but his emotions get in the way. i think you don't go from "not love" to "yes love' and then back again in an eye-blink. I also think that (like many women!) you are attaching "love" and "committment" to "sex". ITS NOT THE SAME THING.


your husband and you have a responsibility to each other and to your family and you both need to deal with whatever issues are there - love, sex, money.


I am sorry for what you are going thru. and altho i am not a big medication fan---- I think that if you need medication for a SHORT and LIMITED period of time, then by all means do it. just be careful because some of the anti depressents affect the libido (and sometimes can be

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:35pm
You must feel terrible; I feel bad for you, hope things are better for you today although if things are going the way you say, sadly, things are not likely to get better for awhile. What I think you need to remember is that pressing your husband to communicate when he is so determined not to is a waste of your time and energy and will just upset you further. Have you considered counselling and do you think he might be receptive to it? I hate to say it but in my experience, every time a man says he doesn't know if he is in love/wants to be married anymore, he is cheating. Hope this isn't the case for you.

Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 3:20pm
Hi! This situation that you are going through sounds all to familiar to me. I haven't been in my relationship for as long as you have, but I still love him just as much. We just went through a year where he was working like 80 hours a week as an EMT and going through Paramedic school which was 12 hours a week, we were also completely renovating our house, I was pregnant and not working and his mom was living with us. STRESS, STRESS, STRESS. Anyway, about a month and a half ago he came to me and told me the same exact thing your husband told you. (very strange, like the said the same thing word for word!) He told me he has been questioning his love for me and doesn't know what he wants and needs to find himself and needs to spend some time alone. Well, I don't mean to put ideas in your head, I am telling you this so you can keep your eyes wide open. I ended up finding out on Thanksgiving that he has been seeing someone else for a couple months and has had a physical and emotional relationship with her. Since then he has realized what he has done wrong and realized that his life with me is better than he thought, despite our problems. He also realized that he really does love me and that even though he may not feel the excitement of a new relationship everyday, he still loves me and is safe and comfortable with me. He has stopped seeing her and talking to her, I think, so we are headed down the road to recovery. I am willing to forgive and work through this, but if I find out that he has even so much as spoken to her, I will leave him. Or if it happens again, I will leave. I have two kids, a four-year old (not his) and a four-month old (his). So kids do play a big part in my decision, but this one was a freebie and if it happens again, I'm gone. Again, I don't mean to put ideas in your head, it just struck me as strange that your husband has said the same exact things that I heard. And he has been acting the same way. Please just keep your radars on high and watch out. You may think it could never happen to you, but anything is possible. Hope this doesn't scare you. Let me know what you think.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:57pm
I have been doing alot of reading throughout the day on the MLC site. Everything I have read says that this is what he is going thru. The most diffucult part is that he and I were friends for 2 yrs before ever dating and I now feel like I have lost my best friend.

He has barely talked to me today and will not look at me. But he is being affectionate with our son.

Friends have invited us over to watch the Fiesta Bowl tomorrow night and he says that we will go. These are the same friends that had us over last night. I am really trying to be patient but it is so damn hard when you feel so alone. Thank you all for your support.

As far as the possibility of an affair, I will be watchful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 7:18pm
Hello,

My heart goes out to you. I feel like I'm reading my story which started 3 years ago. My husband told me the same thing. He just wasn't happy and didn't know what he wanted. He didn't think he loved me the way he needed to. We have been separated for a year and a half. I still don't think he knows what he wants. I still wish he would just TALK to me. I feel like the word TALK is a dirty four letter word for him.

I felt like I was going crazy. I just didn't understand...all the emotions your feeling.

I also know what you mean about him being your best friend and feeling like you are lossing your husband and best friend.

Take care of yourself and be careful.

HUGS,

Busymom

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