I am scared
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I am scared
| Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm |
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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If you have been reading the MLC message board, it's scary...isn't it? Just how many posts are there that could be your story. When I found that site, I could not believe it.
One thing you must remember...IF this is mid-life crisis, it is about him, not you. You must take care of yourself...and if that means taking medication, then do what you have to do. When my husband left...I too, went to the dr. and got meds (zoloft) and I am still taking them. Personally for me...I see nothing wrong in taking something to help you deal with the emotions and anxiety that you are going through.
Also, if this is mlc...then you are in for one long journey that may or may not have a happy ending. Don't expect to get a lot of answers from him because you will not. They honestly do not know what they want or how they feel. If you want this to work....you have to be very patient and understanding.
It is tough...I know that, because when my husband left...I too, felt like I had lost my best friend and I thought my world had come to an end. But, I found out...that I am much stronger than I ever thought possible.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you because I know the heartache you are going through.
Take care
I hope by the time you read this you and your husband have talked a bit more.
Smoochdog (aka Michelle)
Trish
Good luck, let me know what happens, you can write me anytime.
Mary from Wisconsin
Of course, there might be other contributing factors (another woman could be one of them, or something more sinister like drugs or alcohol abuse). Counseling is absolutely the best idea for both of you (my suggestion, seeing as both of you have your own issues, is individual counseling for each of you in addition to marital counseling, but that mught be prohibitive in terms of cost.) Another thing that has helped me get my marriage back on track (we are happier than ever) was reading books. I liked Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis, and there are several others that are great but I can't think of the names right now. These books gave me some great ideas, and in truth, you don't have to rely on his cooperation to get the ball rolling on some of the exercises in the books.
I really hope that things work out for you. My thoughts and heart are with you.
He continues to sleep in our bed with me and even allowed me to make him something to eat for supper last night, he hasn't done that in a few days. I know that he is trying and I know that I need to be patient.
Since I am trying to be supportive I asked him how he slept as I usually would. He commented this morning that he thought he had slept last night. I wonder if I shouldn't ask him to see his doctor about some meds to help him through this as well. Afterall I went to my Dr. at his encouragement.
I read on the MLC site that 80% of marriages survive this. On a good note his parents have been married for 40+ years which according to stats can be a big determining indicator of how this might turn out. I just can't imagine watching him be in such turmoil for a long length of time.
I used to wish for more hours in the day and now it seems that 24 hours is far too many. Where's that fast forward button?
If it weren;t for this site and the MLC cite I think I would totally loose it.
My question for those that have survived this with their marriage intact is: Should I approach his parents at all? Should I talk to his Dad to see if he experienced this? I know my husnabd would like to talk to his dad about this as he has said as much and I know my father in law would be encouraging and supportive of both of us, I just don;t know if I should open that can of worms or wait for my husband to make the 1st move. My husband continues to tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to his family and that they all adore me. I know that they would not want me to suffer in silence, but then again I also can imagine how this might backfire too.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Thanks for your reply. Please know that I have been and continue to encourage him to talk to his dad. I just need to find some answers and reassurance for me and our son right now and don't know who else to turn to.
I don't have much of a relationship with my own dad. In fact my parents have never had much of a marriage so any advise I get from either of them is pretty well useless to me.
Maybe it has to do with being female but I just feel like I need to continue to search for answers not just for me but for our son too. He asked me last night why Daddy was so made at me and when could we do things like we have in the past as a family. I know that all I can do is reassure him that he is loved by both of us and that he is not the source of all this confusion. But how much of that makes sense to a 7 year old? And for how long will be accept this answer from me? Our son is not a typical little boy he is wiser and more observant than his 7 yrs would lead one to believe.
I'm not really going to try to give you advice but I will share with you that stress can be very damaging to a relationship. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and have a 2 y/o son and have had serious issues ourselves during the last several months. We have been in counseling which has been helpful to a degree but our main problem is the way we handle our stress. What I have learned from our experiences is that sometimes to give the other person space is the best thing because it will enable them to evaluate the situation without the added pressure of the other spouse hounding them about his or her feelings or desires. I'm not implying that you "hound" your husband ...I am referring to myself when I say that.
The other thing I will share with you is something someone told me many years ago, before I was ever married. She had heard this during a marriage seminar and said it had helped her through 15 years of marriage. She said that "love is a decision, not a feeling" and now that I am married, many times I have reminded myself of that statement. There are times when I don't feel "in love" with my husband and I am sure he would say the same about me, but we also know that their is a cognitive connection to that emotion. I don't know if you have ever felt that way but if you have then you undrestand what I am talking about. I don't know if any of this has been helpful, but I just wanted to respond to your comments. I hope things work out for the best for the you, your son, and your husband even though you may not know what that is right now. Blessings to you!
Stay strong, pray, and fear not.
Brooke
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