I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:20pm
kansasmomma,

If you have been reading the MLC message board, it's scary...isn't it? Just how many posts are there that could be your story. When I found that site, I could not believe it.

One thing you must remember...IF this is mid-life crisis, it is about him, not you. You must take care of yourself...and if that means taking medication, then do what you have to do. When my husband left...I too, went to the dr. and got meds (zoloft) and I am still taking them. Personally for me...I see nothing wrong in taking something to help you deal with the emotions and anxiety that you are going through.

Also, if this is mlc...then you are in for one long journey that may or may not have a happy ending. Don't expect to get a lot of answers from him because you will not. They honestly do not know what they want or how they feel. If you want this to work....you have to be very patient and understanding.

It is tough...I know that, because when my husband left...I too, felt like I had lost my best friend and I thought my world had come to an end. But, I found out...that I am much stronger than I ever thought possible.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you because I know the heartache you are going through.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:26pm

I hope by the time you read this you and your husband have talked a bit more.

Smoochdog (aka Michelle)


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 8:42pm
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have a 20 month old and have gone thru some rough patches ourselves. Very similiar to yours. I too have some female problems that I often have to deal with and it can be a month before we make love. My husband is a very sexual guy and I am on the low side myself so it often can cause tension between us if we are not open and communicating with each other. I think the biggest problem in most marriages occur when the communication is not there. By the way I am 34 and hubby is 36. I often find that writing a letter to him explaining all my feelings is what works for us. He will open up to me that way. It is so much easier to write things down. I always reassure him that I am not going anywhere and we can work thru anything. Every marriage will have low times where one partner or the other will question their life. Having all these changes with the friend dying and a new home are big stresses. My husband will often keep things inside if we don't keep up with the communication. The biggest thing I found is not to push him to talk. I just sit back and let him know I am hear to listen if he wants to. Of course I am not in your situation and don't know everything that goes on. I would say not to ever get too comfortable in any situation in life because it can change in an instant. I know this because this last year my husband lost his job. We thought we would lose everything. It can be scary. Now things are going well for us. You can't get anyone to go to counseling if they don't want to or they are not ready. I wouldn't push it too much just let him know your feelings on the situation and let him make that decision. I wish you all the luck in the world. Temptation for cheating can happen to us all no matter how goos your marriage is. Always be cautious. Doesn't hurt to think about what you would do if anything happened. To be a bit prepared in life for anything. You will be in my prayers. God Bless!!

Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:02am
Well, I would first ask your husband if he would like to fall back in love with you? If not, get out. I know there are alot of reasons to hold on, a new house, a child, etc... But trust me, the emotional scars you can get from loving someone who doesn't truely love you back can follow you forever. If he does want to give it a shot, here's what you can do. Go back to the basics, start dating again. Life can get a pretty strong grip on all of us and make us put certain things aside. Like a healthy marriage. You and your husband should to go out on a date once a week, dinner and a movie or take a walk, anything. But the most important thing is, talk, talk, talk. Even though you've been married for ten years and you think you know everything about each other, you don't. If he says he's fallen out of love with you then chances are you two haven't been too close for a while. I'm sure if you two sat down and talked about different issues in life you would both discover you didn't know as much about each other as you thought. Stay away from touchy subjects, it's easier to argue when you aren't on the up and up. If he pulls further away from you when you try to talk to him about your marriage or the loss of his brother, don't talk about those things for a while. Talk about anything else, what you watched on the TV, what your son did that day, the news, there's lots of crap on the news to talk about, you can talk about anything under the sky but something that will make him pull away from you. You two do need to sit and have a real serious talk before any of this to make sure you and him are on the same page. Getting your marriage back isn't a one person deal here, it will take both of you trying. I hope this has helped a little bit. Everything I've said here, has been from experience.

Good luck, let me know what happens, you can write me anytime.

Mary from Wisconsin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 4:42am
I am so sorry you are going through so much pain right now. It is really hard when the person you love says they don't know if they love you back. I was in a slightly different place than you when my husband told me that (no kids, 25 years old, just starting careers, etc.) I was devastated, but we had some long talks about what was going on in his life and I started to realize that he was depressed. He was going through a hard time with his career (just starting, couldn't find a job in his field, etc) he had no friends, we had no money, and he was having a very hard time adjusting to living in the city. I don't know if this is your husband's issue, but depression (even temporary depression brought on by major life changes or bereavement) can create feelings of apathy and a general dulling of emotion. As a result, he might compare the rather blah feelings he has right now to the ecstatic romantic feelings of courtship and think he isn't "in love" anymore, when really, he might just be depressed.

Of course, there might be other contributing factors (another woman could be one of them, or something more sinister like drugs or alcohol abuse). Counseling is absolutely the best idea for both of you (my suggestion, seeing as both of you have your own issues, is individual counseling for each of you in addition to marital counseling, but that mught be prohibitive in terms of cost.) Another thing that has helped me get my marriage back on track (we are happier than ever) was reading books. I liked Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis, and there are several others that are great but I can't think of the names right now. These books gave me some great ideas, and in truth, you don't have to rely on his cooperation to get the ball rolling on some of the exercises in the books.

I really hope that things work out for you. My thoughts and heart are with you.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:42am
He continues to be considerate of me and my well being. He even held me again last night for a few minutes at my request. He will speak to me if spoken to but the conversation is brief. I think he is afraid that if he starts talking about anything that I will try to rehash our last few conversations.

He continues to sleep in our bed with me and even allowed me to make him something to eat for supper last night, he hasn't done that in a few days. I know that he is trying and I know that I need to be patient.

Since I am trying to be supportive I asked him how he slept as I usually would. He commented this morning that he thought he had slept last night. I wonder if I shouldn't ask him to see his doctor about some meds to help him through this as well. Afterall I went to my Dr. at his encouragement.

I read on the MLC site that 80% of marriages survive this. On a good note his parents have been married for 40+ years which according to stats can be a big determining indicator of how this might turn out. I just can't imagine watching him be in such turmoil for a long length of time.

I used to wish for more hours in the day and now it seems that 24 hours is far too many. Where's that fast forward button?

If it weren;t for this site and the MLC cite I think I would totally loose it.

My question for those that have survived this with their marriage intact is: Should I approach his parents at all? Should I talk to his Dad to see if he experienced this? I know my husnabd would like to talk to his dad about this as he has said as much and I know my father in law would be encouraging and supportive of both of us, I just don;t know if I should open that can of worms or wait for my husband to make the 1st move. My husband continues to tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to his family and that they all adore me. I know that they would not want me to suffer in silence, but then again I also can imagine how this might backfire too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:54am
I think you should let him talk to his father,
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:43am
James

Thanks for your reply. Please know that I have been and continue to encourage him to talk to his dad. I just need to find some answers and reassurance for me and our son right now and don't know who else to turn to.

I don't have much of a relationship with my own dad. In fact my parents have never had much of a marriage so any advise I get from either of them is pretty well useless to me.

Maybe it has to do with being female but I just feel like I need to continue to search for answers not just for me but for our son too. He asked me last night why Daddy was so made at me and when could we do things like we have in the past as a family. I know that all I can do is reassure him that he is loved by both of us and that he is not the source of all this confusion. But how much of that makes sense to a 7 year old? And for how long will be accept this answer from me? Our son is not a typical little boy he is wiser and more observant than his 7 yrs would lead one to believe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:27pm
Hi Kansasmomma,

I'm not really going to try to give you advice but I will share with you that stress can be very damaging to a relationship. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and have a 2 y/o son and have had serious issues ourselves during the last several months. We have been in counseling which has been helpful to a degree but our main problem is the way we handle our stress. What I have learned from our experiences is that sometimes to give the other person space is the best thing because it will enable them to evaluate the situation without the added pressure of the other spouse hounding them about his or her feelings or desires. I'm not implying that you "hound" your husband ...I am referring to myself when I say that.

The other thing I will share with you is something someone told me many years ago, before I was ever married. She had heard this during a marriage seminar and said it had helped her through 15 years of marriage. She said that "love is a decision, not a feeling" and now that I am married, many times I have reminded myself of that statement. There are times when I don't feel "in love" with my husband and I am sure he would say the same about me, but we also know that their is a cognitive connection to that emotion. I don't know if you have ever felt that way but if you have then you undrestand what I am talking about. I don't know if any of this has been helpful, but I just wanted to respond to your comments. I hope things work out for the best for the you, your son, and your husband even though you may not know what that is right now. Blessings to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:47pm
It is possible your husband is experiencing a midlife crisis. When someone close dies individuals began to examine their lives more closely. They get the feeling that life is too short and began to question their daily existence. Huge financial commitments are also frightening especially for those who may already be questioning their current life situation. It feels very permanent and almost like a weight. It might be very comfortable right now for your husband to blame you for all that he has not experienced in life. As a result he may believe he is not in love with you right now. He needs space and so do you. That does not mean you should seperate, it means you should give him some time to think about what he has told you and not bring it up for a while. Don't act desperate. Explore what you want in life outside of a life with him. Think of what is important to you. Take care of yourself, do things for yourself, love yourself. If it is true that he doesn't love you, that doesn't remove the fact that you need to be loved. So love yourself until he works through whatever is troubling him.

Stay strong, pray, and fear not.

Brooke

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