I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:28pm
Dear Kansasmomma,

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE Read the book Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Adelin!!!!!

As soon as possible. Order it online from 4$-8$ or try to get it more quickly at a book store: Barnes and Nobles or such!

Love Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:16pm
In addition to the grief of his friend dying, financially responsibilities, possible mid-life (any age) crisis, sounds like there might be some depression too.

Reading material:

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen

The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:51pm
Hi

I just went through the same thing with my ex-boyfriend. He started with the he was confussed and didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know himself. he didn't like himself so how could he like me.

I will tell you to trust your instincts on this. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong then it probably is. I don't know how you could find out what is going on or try to help. It is hard to communicate to someone when they won't talk back and at least be honest.

I tried and tried to understand what my boyfriend was going through, trying to be supportive. I love him and didn't want to end the relationship.

With the child and house involved I hope it is just a change that he is going through. But how could he tell you that and then expect you to go on with everyday life? He needs to be more considerate of your feelings too.

I hope things work out for you.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 7:05pm
Hi Kansasmomma,

I am so sorry to hear of your problems. It sounds to me as though a lot has been happening,xmas and new year and with buying a new house,your husbands friend dying etc. I think your husband is suffering from stress. Maby depression as well.It sounds as though he is confused and upset. He says he thinks he may have fallen out of love with you, but he is not sure. It sounds as though he cant think straight at the moment,and my guess is he just doens't know if hes coming or going.It sounds as though he may need some space to sort his head out. Obviously you have a family and you love him. My advice to you is to try to give him some head space, and let him know you are there for him. This must be terrifing for you as well,but until he is feeling a bit better, and has cleared his head i wouldn't take anything he say's personally.Unless of course he has mentioned this on several occasions. I remember a time when my boyfriend was under a lot of stress and had a bereavement,he said the same to me. Its almost like he doesnt really know what he's thinking/feeling just now.I would give him time to get over his loss and talk about how he really feels when he is feeling better. In the meantime i would try to get as much support from friends and family to help you both through this difficult time.

I really hope everything works out for you both, and if you ever want to chat then please get in touch with me. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to, and when your husband feels less stressed and upset, hopefully you can both talk about it. I dont know if this advice will help, but i remember a time when i have said similar things to my partner and vice versa,but t was always when there had been some crisis. Maby with your help and understanding you may both become closer.The very fact that there is no one else involved should be a comfort to you,and with all that has happened it sounds as though he is feeling very lost and i think this will pass.Good luckx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:27pm
Listen here girlfriend,

if there is one thing I learned early in life, is how to love myself. That is what u nead to do. Love yourself second to our heavenly father. when it comes to man, you should alway's be first. As long as you keep showing that man that you care so much about his feelings; you or just giving him more power and credit than he deserves. This is what you got to do. First make sure that you ensure him that with or with out his love, you will servive; because he quit loveing you don't mean you got to give up on yourself. Let him kno. where one door is close others or open. relize, this is nothing to do with you. this is his personal problem. He might be out there looking for something; he don't relize he already have. It could be however he has this fantasy about what love is. He nead's to live in reality. Remember, the only man that should hve power over you is God. you or priceless, because you or the daughter of the king. I don't care if you or three hundred pounds with bad skin. You or priceless and allworthy of someone who will love you the way you deserve.

Love Lat

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:28pm
While perhaps there's nothing that your husband can say to a counselor that he hasn't already said to you (your husband's words)...

...the counselor can interpret all of this and hopefully make some sense of it because you can't and I can't either! It sounds like your husband is going through some sort of traumatic episode whereby even HE doesn't know what he wants. He says he doesn't feel the same, but yet he cares for you, albeit not in the way he used to. Then he says that perhaps a divorce is in the offing, yet he wants you sexually and says that he loves you!

I feel very sorry for you because I can sense how confused you feel. Despite your husband thinking a counselor won't help, can you ask him if he'll please just give it a try?? I really believe that you need a trained professional...an "outsider" to give his/her educated and unbiased opinion on your husband's mixed-up feelings. And what if that DOES help? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Good luck...


Edited 1/3/2004 7:13:51 AM ET by bluewrite

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:54pm
have you ever read "men are from mars, women are from venus"? there is a chapter in there talking about men being rubber bands, how they just need to pull away sometimes and the worse the woman fights it, the worse it gets. a man needs his space to feel independent before he can yearns for intimacy again. just a thought. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 4:11am
Hi, I'm new to this board and have read your topic and just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your problem. I had something very simular to this happen to me years ago when we were together for 7 years and even though it was very hard to do I desided to step aside and let him go his way to figure out his feelings and it was the best thing I did because he ended up finding out how much he really did need and miss me and it brought us together even stronger than we were. We have been married for 22 years now and still going strong. He even admitted to me that he was glad we took some time away from each other so he knew exactly how he felt. I hope this helps you some and I hope you will find what you are looking for.
Avatar for terpsrus
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:23pm
Well I know this news may be devastating but you have to be strong at this point. To start, communication is key. Try to talk to him more about the things that may be stressing him out. It could be a variety of things such as getting the new house, money, etc. When my husband and I first got our house 7 months ago we were under tremendous stress for money. It is overwhelming when you are looking at everything, the bills, life, the job, etc. I cried the first time I had to pay the bills, we had $20 left. Talk to him and tell him this is only temporary. With the stress of losing a loved one during the holidays can be stressfull also. I recently lost my grandfather the week before Thanksgiving, I know the stresses can be overwhelming. I have gotten through all of my obstacles by communicating. From reading what you wrote, he still loves you, just convince him that he is not alone and that you both can get through this. Good Luck and Take Care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 12:59pm
I too went through the exact same thing with my husband four years ago. And at first I too was so scared of losing him I tiptoed around and catered to him and his feelings to the exclusion of all else. And it only got worse.... with him saying he felt suffocated. Well when I look back on how I was always asking him how he felt , what he was thinking, did he love me still etc. etc., no wonder he felt that way!

What a guy needs at a time like this is space, especially emotional space. It kind of seems like you are maybe 'hovering around' too much with him. Just go and do your own thing day by day and do things that make you feel good and for just you (and your child) not just for him. Becoming more assured and independent always will help with how you feel about yourself and it will definitely help how he sees you too. Sometimes when a man knows he is not always the center of your universe he sees things differently.

I understand things you do like asking him to hold you at night because you feel so torn and devastated but try not to do that for a little while. Let him breathe. Do things for you instead because ultimately you are the person you have to live with for the rest of your life.

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