I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:48am
isedition-

You said this happened 4 yrs ago. How are things today? Are you still together? I am trying to hold on to the fact that my husband is still at home with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 12:09pm
My heart goes out to you Kansasmomma. I can relate to your feelings of despair...I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband.

Here is what I think ( my 2 cents):

Your husband has tremendous guilt. The fact he won't open up to you (when you express he was your best friend ) means he has something to hide... Perhaps with your "friend" the one who lost her husband, who also called about the DVD in her SUV, the one who "KNOWS" about your situation. How is it that she knows and no one else does in your circle of friends and family? I'm not trying to be cruel or mean, just trying to give you some clues as to why you mentioned this "friend" and how kind your husband was to tell her "He/You would be around for the weekend". It seems to me, your husband has a lot of advice and energy to help this "friend" but very little time and effort to speak openly to you.

Something is definitely FISHY with this woman. If I were you, I would look into it. No matter what happens, GOD knows you are worthy to be respected, loved and cherished.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:41pm
We have the same problem. I have been married for over 8 years. My DH is in the Army so he spends alot of time away. He was away for 15 months and came home and told me the same thing. He wants us to be friends and have sex, that is what he saw as the good points of the relationship. But he is not "in love" with me. I have not been in love with him in years but I still love him. He does not go out with the guys, he would rather be here with the kids and I. He enjoys coming home to our house. I can't belive he told you on Christmas Eve... My DH told me 2 days after he got home from ___________ with me being a devoted faithful wife/single parent for 15 months. Two days before we packed up the house, 3 kids, and a dog to move 2500 miles away. My DH told me over and over there was no one else, it is complicated though. He had already decided he did not love me when it happened. (although forgot to tell me) Being a military spouse is a very lonely job for the both of us. He was lonely and drunk one night and the right girl came along at the right time. and the rest is history.... They continued to keep in contact. She is on her 3rd failed marriage. I knew something was going on, and when I heard the cell messages I was not even surprised, it still ripped my heart out. This is the short version with out the four letter words. They no longer have contact as far as I know but I am tired of checking to make sure. He will do what he wants. He does not want a divorce but wants to separate when he comes back. Oh forgot to mention that. He will be home about 3 months and has to deploy for 12 more months. He does not want to divorce because he will get paid less and I will lose my medical insurance. I am trying very hard to play it cool. Trying to do the friendship thing because we are best friends and neither of us want to lose that. He told me he does not want to be married to me or anyone else. I mentioned the only thing he CANT do while married is have sex with other people. First time the jokes on him the second time jokes on me, and I will not be disrespected by anyone over and over. I do not deserve that. I told him we need to work on the communication thing because there is no way I can be friendly with him with all of the hurt feelings between us. While he is gone I am going to make me happy. Well that is the plan. The thing I am terrrifed of is being finacially responsible for 3 kids on my own. He will pay child support but, He will not be there to help when they are sick or I need a break. It is only a matter of time before the militay moves him to another duty station and we will be at least 100s of miles apart. We have had communication issues for a long time. I thought we were lucky because we never fought but we were keeping things from each other. Trying to spare the other's feelings. I am finding the irony in that now... I am terribly pissed off because he is taking the easy way out. He gets to start over with out the hassle of family, while leaving me with all of the responsibilities we accured together. I told him I will try to give him the time he needs but I will not stay married to him while he dates and lives with another person openly. I still have respect for marraige... I may not like him very much but I know we could make everything better. We can be in the same room and watch movies on the same couch, I am thinking that is a good sign. He still sleeps in our bed but the sex thing is only on his time frame. When he does then it is OK. If I want too it is a bad game that I am so tired of. I dont know if this helps but, I feel like no one knows what I am going through. Maybe it will work maybe not. I am going to be the best person I can be and if he chooses to leave me and our family behind while he finds himself that is all his loss. We will be a family with or with out him, we would prefer him to hang around though. Sorry this got way long... I would love to hear what happens to you and your DH. It is god in a bad way to know others are going through the same things, I have never felt so alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:44pm

why do ya'll keep blaming it on midlife crisis, or the death of his friend? why can't it just be because he's a jerk? because thats what it sounds like to me .......he had a million opportunities to tell you his feelings but he chose to do it on Christmas Eve? come onnnnnnnnnnn please


stop holding onto the fact that he's still there, stop lying to yourself to make yourself feel better ... he's obviously only there because he feels like he has to be and not because he wants to be ....... take care of yourself & your son and boot that idiot out the door and tell him to stay there until he decides what he wants!!!


Love dont pay the bills honey, and a broken heart always mends ... stop being so weak

 
 
 
 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 6:18pm
Don't nag him about what he revealed to you. Don't push him. Ask yourself,"am I paying more attention to the child and my other jobs and interests than I am to him?" "What can I do to make it more like it was when we first fell in love? How can I make myself more interesting and alluring to him? In the mean time, try to find out if he has an interest in another woman. This is often the reason a man talks like this. Good luck and let me know what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 6:24pm
Read my original message and hang in there. I think my advice was the most realistic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:33pm
I have to say I agree with pianoguy here. Away time is always nice. Losing a family member, a close friend, even a friend can put a strain on a relationship. Remember that relationships are not a one way street. It takes two to make a relationship work. But hang in there. That is what a marriage is. You just keep trying. Marriage is not easy, lot of work involved. Just remember this, there are going to be great times, also bad times throughout your marriage. But if you are strong you both are going to make it past almost anything

Men grieve in different ways than women. They distant themselves. They don't mean to, but it's in their genes or something. They distant themselves from the most importnant person in their lives. Since your husband just lost a good friend, chances are is he is afraid or losing you and your son. I think he is just trying to protect himself from feeling that kind of pain again.

Have faith, don't give up.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:11pm
HONEY, I CANT IMAGIME WHAT YOU ARE FEELING, BUT THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD DO TO FIND OUT HOW SERIOUS HE IS, IS START AGREEING WITH HIM AND NOT ACT LIKE IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD , WHEN HE'S AROUND ACT HAPPY AS IF IT MIGHT BE FOR THE BEST , AND DONT LET HIM SEE YOU CRY, IT WILL ONLY MAKE HIM FEEL SUPIERIOR, MAYBE IF HE SEE'S THAT YOUR NOT ON THE EDGE ABOUT IT HE'LL COME TO HIS SENSES. IM HAVING TROUBLE PUTTING IT INTO WORDS, BUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED TO MY FATHER, AND AS SOON AS MY FATHER STARTED TALKING ABOUT SEEING OTHER WOMEN AND MOVING ON WITH HIS LIFE, HIS WIFE MOVED BACK IN, IF SHE WAS SERIOUS ABOUT DIVORCE SHE WOULD HAVE STAYED AWAY. THATS WHAT I MEAN THE ONLY WAY TO SEE IF REALLY SERIOUS IS TO CALL HIM ON IT....GOD BLESS....GOOD LUCK HONEY..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 6:58am
The first question is what would make him fall out of love. Maybe for the past years he

has realized that you just do not match the expectations he had of you. Perhaps he is one who is interested in the news of the world and all you watch is soap operas. When you are with others you show ignorance of current events and it embarrases him. Perhaps, you have taken to much for granted. Do you discuss with him the problems associated with bills? How

much weight have you gained. Are all your activities centered around the kids (if you have any) Lots of things can come into the situation. If you can not get him to talk to you, then it makes it real hard. In my case, when I speak to my wife, she just says if you want a divorce get one.

One day, she said, "let's go play". I replied I didn't feel like it. Why? I just don't. Why. I just don't. "I want to know why you don't want to". Can't you just drop it? I do not want to play. "I demand an answer!!. Ok the answer is, You have gained so much weight that you are not someone I care to make love to. Her reply, (which wasn't true), well you gained weight since I married you. My reply, was you lowered your standards, I didn't.

Cruel answer? probably, but true. Ya ever hear the joke about the guy who went to the doctor and said, "doctor, my wife just doesn't arouse me anymore.

That is not a joke.

My wife is a nice person, and I probably feel the same way your husband states. I have seriously considered divorce and am trying to figure out how to do it without bringing her world crashing down. If I divorced her, I would give her the $200,000.00 house we have, but she would have to sell it and pay off the mortgage, which would leave her approximately 90,000.00, but being the gambler she is, it would be gone in no time. Perhaps, you should take all the replys you get and sit down with your husband and discuss them.

I may be wrong, but my feeling is, that nobody is responsible for YOUR happiness but yourself. If you love the guy and being with him makes you happy, then you better get off your ass and start letting him know. The communication has to between you and him and not a bunch of strangers. They wont pay the bills after he is gone. Patrick

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 8:57am
Wow! I don't even know what to say about that last response? He made a few good points, make yourself happy, was one. But, how brutal was the majority of the rest of that!! My only opinion on your situation would be that you are maybe too considerate here. You're his wife for God's sake! You should be the most important person to him. I can't imagine losing loved ones and purchasing a new home being a reason for a man to think he may have fallen out of love with his wife. He should need your loving right now, you are his best friend! If he doesn't want you of all people to be there for him, than something else is probably going on here. Take care of yourself, now. If he doesn't wake up soon and realize how lucky he is, then, he probably doesn't deserve you. Start living for yourself TODAY! I wish you the best and I hope you keep us posted. We're here for you.

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