I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:35am
What do you need help with? Seemingly, you are aware of his feelings and I am sure that this announcement did not come from out of the blue. If so, then you need to look at what was really happening before this new reality.

On another not, is it possible for someone to fall out of love? What if you were the person in the relationship that fell out of love, how would you live with this reality? I ask these questions not to distract you from the emotions that you are experiencing, but to 1).Heighten your senses, 2). Hold yourself and him accountable to each other's emotions, and 3). To respect where you are so you can seek to find assistance that will take you to where you need to be (together or apart).

It is one thing to break up with a boyfriend, but another to get a divorce. He needs to know that his lack of involvement comes with a price (not just financial), bigger than changing the lives of his child and his wife. He needs to understand that a change in location (relationship) may not cure his needs (whatever they are). BUT, you can not hold him accountable to expressing himself in a way that is more clear and concise until you are with yourself.

Confusion and doubt are essential variables in the process of understanding life. BUT, this notion is not a scapegoat for dealing with difficult issues. If he has needs that you are not meeting then he needs to address them, not run from them.

Then as a couple, you two individually and collectively have to decide if you are willing to do what it may take to stay together.

Hold him accountable to caring for you by making him work this situation out FOR THE BETTER OR WORSE!

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anonymous user
In reply to: kansasmomma
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:37am
I know exactly how he feels. I am in his position. There's nothing you can do. You can't make someone fall in love with you.

He doesn't need to see a councillor. He wants to leave you but is afraid of hurting you. He knows what he wants, he's just ashamed to say it. Be prepared for some upsetting news. It's not the end of the world.

Ask for some time out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:48am
Oh honey, I know exactly what you are going through. Five years ago my husband (now ex) told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he couldn't handle being with me. All of this happened just 2 months after my father died. 2 MONTHS! Needless to say, I was a wreck. He said that he would stay in our home until tax refund time. ( oh yeah, we 2 kids together, who were at the time 3 & 5 and I was a "at-home mom" ). He even started dating women that he through the internet. But, he didn't like it if I started talking to some other man. Yes, he is a jerk and I did take him back a few times after all that. And, you know what? It was the worst thing I could have done. It took 2 more years before our marriage split up and I was no longer afraid of being without him and raising my 2 kids alone. So, honey...please take care of yourself and your son.
Avatar for teatimeforme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 6:21pm
Hello Kansasmomma.

I don't think the question should be "What is he thinking/doing?", I rather think it should be, what are you thinking and doing? It is time for you to give your husband his space and plenty of it. It is time for him to experience what his life will be like without you, by cooking and cleaning for himself. Please stop trying to get him to 'discuss the situation', he obviously isn't ready to do that. You both really shouldn't be sharing the same bed as husband and wife if he sees you merely as his friend, someone he cares about, but isn't in love with. This isn't right, he needs to sleep in an extra room or on the couch. I know it will be uncomfortable for you at first, but think about it, do you feel comfortable now; you are taking medication to sleep. It is possible that you will feel much better without him there if you allow yourself time and then you won't need the medications. What's going to happen is going to happen, you can't command the tide to stop it will only pull you under. So for now, let him go his way and you go yours. Start doing things to help your mind stay healthy, like spending more time with your son or just going off and doing something for yourself to make you feel better. Don't allow yourself to sit around in despair waiting for something that might nolonger belong to you. Live your life to the fullest, you cannot look to him to find your happiness, it must come from within you. Don't look to him for conversation, instead talk with your son or call a close friend or your mother. It's amazing how much closer a man will get when he starts to realize the woman he's with is independent and WILL be able to survive without him. You distancing yourself from him might be just what he needs to open him up.

Regardless whether this man stays your husband or not should not be first in your mind; your son and you should. Your husband is going to do what he is going to do, so don't make him the center of you world right now. You should be preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I have to agree with some other posters here about opening up your own banking account (for example: if you joint account is at B of A, open your own account at Wells Fargo) and having your own credit. However, I think it would be wise not to tell him what your doing and you should have no reason to be guilty, because he has put you in a very bad situation. I suggest withdrawing a $20 or so from the bank every week and putting it some place he'd never think to look. Keep building until you have enough to open up an account, usually it's $300 to open an account. Make sure you have credit cards that are in your name only; because he can have your cards turned off if his name is on the account. I know this sounds just awful, but think how unbelievably horrible it will be if he does decide to leave and leaves you with nothing. You have your son and yourself to think of, so it is worth doing.

I do hope that your marriage will survive and that you'll be married to each other until death do you part. But if this should not happen, my hope for you is that you will know in your heart that all will be okay without him.

(((((BIG HUGS)))))because I know how much you need them.

Take care of yourself, okay.

Sophie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 9:59pm
I have been reading all these post with much interest. My husband left me a week ago. Four days before Christmas when we were out looking for a new house (our current one is in contract) he became totally distant and cold toward me. That night I told him I didn't like to be treated that way and he told me he didn't feel close to me and that the "zip" was gone from our relationship. I still didn't think that meant it was over for us, but as each day passed he became worse even through the Christmas holiday. So finally on December 30th, I told him that I couldn't take it any more, told me that his feelings had changed toward me, he was so matter of fact about it and that it was just a done deal. I told him he was either going to committ to working our relationship out or committ to leave. He decided to leave. I am crushed! I had no idea he felt like this at all. I just wished, just once, when he started to struggle with these feelings he would of mentioned something. But, I guess that doesn't matter. It is just so hard for me to understand how this all happened. I am devastated right now, but I know I will make it. I went to an attorney today because I have three children to look after. I had hoped something could work out, but he has no desire. That is hard for me to believe because I thought we had a good marriage and I was totally committed. I didn't think you could leave a commitment so easliy. Any marriage could use some work, but I would of done it had I been given the opportunity. I am just trying to accept that I will never totally understand the why. I don't want to appear that I am eager for all of this to be over, but I don't feel like I can just sit down and let what ever happen, happen. It makes me so nervous how fast it is going. He seems fine that I went to an attorney, and even seems to perk up a little when I talk about moving forward with out him. A month ago, if you would of told me that I would being going through this, I would of said you were totally crazy. But I have decided that I have one life to live, I deserve to be loved and if he is not willing to make it work than there is nothing for me. I know I have a long road ahead of me to heal, and so do my three children. Today I just keep telling myself, I can't move forward if I am looking behind!

Good luck- marybeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:13am
It's a very frightening statement for you to hear, but I can't help but feel a little bit of anger towards your husband for saying it. Just saying that he has fallen out of love with you sounds like he is already defeated and hopeless. Love is something that you have to work at daily, does he realize that? Has he tried to do something proactive to reconnect with you? If not why don't you take the initiative. Do activities you did while you were dating or seek out new ways to enjoy each other. If you can, I would try to strengthen your network of friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 2:46pm
Hi,

I just came across this board today and read your message. I wanted to give the best advice that I could. Do not try to discuss anything with him.. it will only feed his negative feelings. Most men internalize there feelings and they feel like you are going against them when you try to force it out of them. Act as though you understand where he is coming from.... such as when he says he doesnt know what he wants, you say, "I understand, I get confused too" or just listen if that is too difficult to say. My husband a few months ago said to me "I dont think that we are going to make it" I said " I dont think either.. he said "I dont see how we can" I said.. "I agree".. he stopped saying it so much after that.. and i think it really made him think about it because i was agreeing with him. I wasnt begging for his attention like i had done previously... i wasnt telling him i would change and apologizing for things i didnt even know i was apologizing for... i simply stopped trying, or so he thought.. I didnt bring up any negative topics I didnt really bring anything up to him at all.. I talked about our childrens day, and the funny things they had said or done.. I went about my evenings as though I had a certain independence about myself even though i was dying inside. He started to show me more attention.. and he started realizing that he did want me in his life. Now i wish i could say our relationship was 100%, but its not. I still feel like i'm walking on egg shells around him, but i do my best to just go about my own business... he actually came to me the other night and told me he was stressed about his job.. I acted interested, and listened quietly... when he was finished, I took his hand and said I will pray for you... and that was all.. he nodded his head and gave me a hug. I didnt bring it up again, i didnt force him to talk to me, i just let him do it on his own. I bet your husband doesnt really want to leave, i'm sure he is just stressed like he said, and my best advice is to just let him work it out an be there for him if he needs you but give him time to come around on his own..... just my opinion.. and something that has worked for me... big hugs, i know what you are going through... I seem to be living it weekly!

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 4:39pm
kansasmomma,

I had only been married for a year and a half and had just delivered our son four and a half months before my ex told he me he was "unhappy". I tried agreeing, I tried discussing, I tried begging (to my disgust now) and I tried the "fine, I am better off without you" attitude. None of them worked. I kept hounding him about counceling at one point. Until he had shown me that there was nothing I could do and that he wanted it over. He was a coward. He didn't want to face the challenge of marriage and the difficulties life brings to couples. Everyone here has given you various advice. Ranging on extremes to somewhere in the middle. Ultimately, it is his decision if your marriage is to continue. But in the meantime, it is your decision how you are going to handle it and prepare yourself for the worst to happen. A highschool friend of mine told me a long time ago that if your expectations are low sometimes, that life doesn't dissapoint you so much. It may sound negative but when the good things happen, you can appreciate them all the more. I should have listened to this advice when I was married to my first husband. I didn't. I expected us to last. I was naive about him because I let love blind me as it sounds that you are too. We put the ones we adore on a pedestal and believe they are not capable of hurting us so. They are. Anyone human being is capable of giving such pain. It is the fear that they leave us to deal with. Even if he does turn around and say he wants to be with you. How long is it going to be before you feel like you can trust him again? How long will it be before you don't feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath you? Morn now so that it will be easier to react later. If things work out? Great! Be happy. If not, it will be painful but at least you will have dealt with a lot of it before hand. I didn't see it coming but I had the sense to hustle so that my child and I were alright in the end. I am happily remarried now and my son is happy and healthy. That is the best that I could arrive at.

P.S. If he is cheating on you, I wonder how long it will take before he says the same thing to her. It took my ex-husband about the same amount of time to tell that hussy the same thing he told me.

chipette29

Avatar for imspectacular
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 8:25pm
i understand how you feel. im 22 and have just witnessed my first wedding anniversary on thanksgiving. my hubby and i dated almost 7yrs before getting married. things have somewhat been going going down hill since then. the arguing got worse. then he graduated college and gets a job in new jersey. so we move our problems to new jersey. i have been dedicated all along to making my marriage work, putting his needs and feelings before my own but it seems like no matter what i do its not enough. i recently found out that he was using online dating services and sending naked pics to a partucular female but i still stayed. im hurt and now i feel that i'll never feel totally secure in my marriage again. i can tell that my husband is no longer in love with me. i dont know how to deal with this type of feeling. he doesnt do the sweet little things anymore. i feel empty and unloved. Will this pass, do i just deal with this and leave him alone or do i say screw it because im still very young and move on?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 3:01am
Dear Kansasmomma,

If I were you I wouldn't run so scared right now. The fact that your husband is telling you this is because he is confused.

I believe that he needs to deal with his grief first and you can help him by getting him to grief counseling even for a few one-on-one sessions & then maybe group.

At this point he is probably also stressed out about the mortgage, too.


Get him to grief counseling the sooner the better !

Watch....I bet things will turn around

Grieving is a process and sounds like he needs to start dealing with his feelings of loss.Sincerely, Watersprite

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