I am scared
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I am scared
| Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm |
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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On another not, is it possible for someone to fall out of love? What if you were the person in the relationship that fell out of love, how would you live with this reality? I ask these questions not to distract you from the emotions that you are experiencing, but to 1).Heighten your senses, 2). Hold yourself and him accountable to each other's emotions, and 3). To respect where you are so you can seek to find assistance that will take you to where you need to be (together or apart).
It is one thing to break up with a boyfriend, but another to get a divorce. He needs to know that his lack of involvement comes with a price (not just financial), bigger than changing the lives of his child and his wife. He needs to understand that a change in location (relationship) may not cure his needs (whatever they are). BUT, you can not hold him accountable to expressing himself in a way that is more clear and concise until you are with yourself.
Confusion and doubt are essential variables in the process of understanding life. BUT, this notion is not a scapegoat for dealing with difficult issues. If he has needs that you are not meeting then he needs to address them, not run from them.
Then as a couple, you two individually and collectively have to decide if you are willing to do what it may take to stay together.
Hold him accountable to caring for you by making him work this situation out FOR THE BETTER OR WORSE!
He doesn't need to see a councillor. He wants to leave you but is afraid of hurting you. He knows what he wants, he's just ashamed to say it. Be prepared for some upsetting news. It's not the end of the world.
Ask for some time out.
I don't think the question should be "What is he thinking/doing?", I rather think it should be, what are you thinking and doing? It is time for you to give your husband his space and plenty of it. It is time for him to experience what his life will be like without you, by cooking and cleaning for himself. Please stop trying to get him to 'discuss the situation', he obviously isn't ready to do that. You both really shouldn't be sharing the same bed as husband and wife if he sees you merely as his friend, someone he cares about, but isn't in love with. This isn't right, he needs to sleep in an extra room or on the couch. I know it will be uncomfortable for you at first, but think about it, do you feel comfortable now; you are taking medication to sleep. It is possible that you will feel much better without him there if you allow yourself time and then you won't need the medications. What's going to happen is going to happen, you can't command the tide to stop it will only pull you under. So for now, let him go his way and you go yours. Start doing things to help your mind stay healthy, like spending more time with your son or just going off and doing something for yourself to make you feel better. Don't allow yourself to sit around in despair waiting for something that might nolonger belong to you. Live your life to the fullest, you cannot look to him to find your happiness, it must come from within you. Don't look to him for conversation, instead talk with your son or call a close friend or your mother. It's amazing how much closer a man will get when he starts to realize the woman he's with is independent and WILL be able to survive without him. You distancing yourself from him might be just what he needs to open him up.
Regardless whether this man stays your husband or not should not be first in your mind; your son and you should. Your husband is going to do what he is going to do, so don't make him the center of you world right now. You should be preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I have to agree with some other posters here about opening up your own banking account (for example: if you joint account is at B of A, open your own account at Wells Fargo) and having your own credit. However, I think it would be wise not to tell him what your doing and you should have no reason to be guilty, because he has put you in a very bad situation. I suggest withdrawing a $20 or so from the bank every week and putting it some place he'd never think to look. Keep building until you have enough to open up an account, usually it's $300 to open an account. Make sure you have credit cards that are in your name only; because he can have your cards turned off if his name is on the account. I know this sounds just awful, but think how unbelievably horrible it will be if he does decide to leave and leaves you with nothing. You have your son and yourself to think of, so it is worth doing.
I do hope that your marriage will survive and that you'll be married to each other until death do you part. But if this should not happen, my hope for you is that you will know in your heart that all will be okay without him.
(((((BIG HUGS)))))because I know how much you need them.
Take care of yourself, okay.
Sophie
Good luck- marybeth
I just came across this board today and read your message. I wanted to give the best advice that I could. Do not try to discuss anything with him.. it will only feed his negative feelings. Most men internalize there feelings and they feel like you are going against them when you try to force it out of them. Act as though you understand where he is coming from.... such as when he says he doesnt know what he wants, you say, "I understand, I get confused too" or just listen if that is too difficult to say. My husband a few months ago said to me "I dont think that we are going to make it" I said " I dont think either.. he said "I dont see how we can" I said.. "I agree".. he stopped saying it so much after that.. and i think it really made him think about it because i was agreeing with him. I wasnt begging for his attention like i had done previously... i wasnt telling him i would change and apologizing for things i didnt even know i was apologizing for... i simply stopped trying, or so he thought.. I didnt bring up any negative topics I didnt really bring anything up to him at all.. I talked about our childrens day, and the funny things they had said or done.. I went about my evenings as though I had a certain independence about myself even though i was dying inside. He started to show me more attention.. and he started realizing that he did want me in his life. Now i wish i could say our relationship was 100%, but its not. I still feel like i'm walking on egg shells around him, but i do my best to just go about my own business... he actually came to me the other night and told me he was stressed about his job.. I acted interested, and listened quietly... when he was finished, I took his hand and said I will pray for you... and that was all.. he nodded his head and gave me a hug. I didnt bring it up again, i didnt force him to talk to me, i just let him do it on his own. I bet your husband doesnt really want to leave, i'm sure he is just stressed like he said, and my best advice is to just let him work it out an be there for him if he needs you but give him time to come around on his own..... just my opinion.. and something that has worked for me... big hugs, i know what you are going through... I seem to be living it weekly!
hugs
I had only been married for a year and a half and had just delivered our son four and a half months before my ex told he me he was "unhappy". I tried agreeing, I tried discussing, I tried begging (to my disgust now) and I tried the "fine, I am better off without you" attitude. None of them worked. I kept hounding him about counceling at one point. Until he had shown me that there was nothing I could do and that he wanted it over. He was a coward. He didn't want to face the challenge of marriage and the difficulties life brings to couples. Everyone here has given you various advice. Ranging on extremes to somewhere in the middle. Ultimately, it is his decision if your marriage is to continue. But in the meantime, it is your decision how you are going to handle it and prepare yourself for the worst to happen. A highschool friend of mine told me a long time ago that if your expectations are low sometimes, that life doesn't dissapoint you so much. It may sound negative but when the good things happen, you can appreciate them all the more. I should have listened to this advice when I was married to my first husband. I didn't. I expected us to last. I was naive about him because I let love blind me as it sounds that you are too. We put the ones we adore on a pedestal and believe they are not capable of hurting us so. They are. Anyone human being is capable of giving such pain. It is the fear that they leave us to deal with. Even if he does turn around and say he wants to be with you. How long is it going to be before you feel like you can trust him again? How long will it be before you don't feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath you? Morn now so that it will be easier to react later. If things work out? Great! Be happy. If not, it will be painful but at least you will have dealt with a lot of it before hand. I didn't see it coming but I had the sense to hustle so that my child and I were alright in the end. I am happily remarried now and my son is happy and healthy. That is the best that I could arrive at.
P.S. If he is cheating on you, I wonder how long it will take before he says the same thing to her. It took my ex-husband about the same amount of time to tell that hussy the same thing he told me.
chipette29
If I were you I wouldn't run so scared right now. The fact that your husband is telling you this is because he is confused.
I believe that he needs to deal with his grief first and you can help him by getting him to grief counseling even for a few one-on-one sessions & then maybe group.
At this point he is probably also stressed out about the mortgage, too.
Get him to grief counseling the sooner the better !
Watch....I bet things will turn around
Grieving is a process and sounds like he needs to start dealing with his feelings of loss.Sincerely, Watersprite
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