I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 5:43am
You are VERY young - and it sounds as though if you've been with this man for seven years already that he is the only man you've ever been out with.

End it and move on - you have your whole life ahead of you.

Peace - Pebbles

Avatar for imspectacular
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 8:13am
so you're telling me you think i should end my marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 9:02am
Yes. Life's too short and you're way too young to be tied to a marriage that isn't meeting your needs and that is making you so unhappy.

"i have been dedicated all along to making my marriage work, putting his needs and feelings before my own" -- Not healthy or good for you.

Take some time to get to know yourself; what your values and morals are; what your goals are - you've had a partner all through your teens and adulthood influencing you and in all probability telling you what you think and what you like/don't like.

I'd take some time to discover yourself and what you want from your life: no matter who you are 22 is very young to be married, but given that he's all you've ever known - yes, I think that leaving and finding yourself is a much more worthwhile endeavour then trying to save a marriage that in all probability can't be saved.

But I could be wrong. Look inside yourself - you have the answer.

I wish you well.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 9:02am
I've been reading up on these messages because of my concern for kansasmomma. I just read your dilema. I have to agree with the last posting. You are young, no kids from the marriage, you should do whatever it is that makes you happy. The way you described, it sounds as though you have given so very much to the relationship, and in return, are being taken advantage of. Take care of you, first. Most men would appreciate that. Much more than you tending to his every little need. It's alot easier to start over now, than when you get a little older, and have children. Think about that. And, best wishes to you!
Avatar for teatimeforme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 12:40pm
I too agree with the other posters. It's time to move on with you life. Regardless how young or old you are, you deserve to be in a marriage where their is mutual love and taking care of each other. My first marriage of 2 yrs. was a complete disaster, but I'll avoid telling you all the horrible details and just let you know divorcing the jerk was the best thing I could of done.

I am now in my second marriage of 9 yrs. and it is a wonderful marriage. The first 2 yrs. were bumpy but my husband and I love each other and made it work. This beautiful man and I are beyond best friends, I can confide in him and he confides in me. We support each other, and never would do anything that would destroy what we have together.

There is more out there, you just have to not be afraid to journey off and meet it. After my first divorce I decided what I wanted in my life and what I wanted in a man. I wrote down everything I would except in a man, and what I wouldn't. If any man I met couldn't hold to those values, I'd tell him what behavor of his I didn't like (always about other women) and that he was going to have to change, if he didn't the relationship was over. Then I met my husband, he too had a flirting problem but when he finally realized I was going to leave him he changed his behavor, because he loved me and didn't want to lose me. Real men want a strong woman who will stand up for herself.

I once knew this elderly women who was in her 70's, she married her husband when she was 18, and he cheated on her just about everyday of there married life. She looked like a shadow when she was around him. I just couldn't imagine spending my whole adult life turning my head so I didn't have to watch the man who is supposed to love me, break my heart over and over again. I felt so sorry for that woman, but it was what she chose to do and she paid for that decision dearly. I'm sure there are many of those stories in the hearts of women.

Don't you deserve not to end up in a marriage were you're all alone, instead, with a man who would do almost anything for you; who would love only you, and never would think of messing that up by cheating on you or disrespecting you in any way; who wants to commit to only you; who wants to provide for your needs? Men like that do exist; it is a myth that all the good ones are taken. You just have to find one who is a real man and not a boy pretending to be a man. There is a difference. Ending this marriage is the best thing because your husband isn't behaving as though he is married to you; it doesn't sound like he is concerned with your feelings or needs at all, so please, do move on and find your life's happiness. You deserve to be happy; you owe that to yourself.

Some ((((BIG HUGS)))) to you. You take care of yourself, okay.

Sofie

P.S. A friend of mine once told me if a man doesn't love and respect his mother, move on. Previous relationships of mine the man didn't really have love or respect for his mother, just a childish need for her to be there and do for them. However, my husband is different from all of them, he does love and respect his mother. It could have something to do with how men behave towards women, I don't really have a whole lot of proof except for my own experiences. I just thought it might be worth sharing with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 8:04pm
just know that my prayers are with you at this difficult time, and I am sure you will both come through more sure of what you want and your love for each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 8:25pm
Dear Kansasmomma,

I'm so sorry your husband said that. Judging by the fact that he still cares and that you all have had so many major events recently, I would say that you should give him a little time, before getting to worried. If he senses you panicing, he may draw back more. Maybe send him on a weekend trip with your son. Express that you still love him, and are happy to talk about this with him. Tell him the reasons you love him. Remind him of things you two did while you were dating, why you married him etc. He may be saying this because he doesn't know if you can support him emotionally during his time of pain. Good luck, and I hope everything comes out alright.

-Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:04am
first of all dont be scared. to question whether you love someone is something that runs through everyone's mind. The fact that your husband has expressed this to you i think is positive, it show s that he needs your opinion and help. The way that he said 'i think' also shows that is not a definate thing either. when hearing that your husband lost someone close, almost explains his sudden change in attitude. losIng someone can cause effects on people in diffrent ways, your husband is probably undecisive about his life and because of this he is starting to think with exagerration and fustration. I suggest for you too take a big breath and relax a bit. This time can be especially hard for those who are on the recieving end. you are probably confused, fustrated and feel as if you are treading on egg shells. I suggest for you too let you husband breath for a couple of days, however dont ignore him be there if he needs you. after he has had time to breath why dont you try to re-live your first stages of dating, maybe where his favorite perfume or wear you hair in the way he likes, little notes that you still care and make an effort can mean a big change for him. maybe cook him his favorite meal and create an evening dedicated to the 'two of you' let somone babysit your son or even treat him to staying at one of his friends. If you need to talk any more ill hopefully be here. Dont panic im sure everything will be fine. hope i have helped. a hug from me . charlotte.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:41am

There is a book call The Truth About Love, by Pat Love (I know it sounds hokey).

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:47am
You sound like you need a good hug. It kinda sounds like he's stressed out about the unexpected passing of his friend. With the holidays, coming from experience, it makes things a little worse for people who have lost a loved one. Im sure you're aware of this. It may sound difficult but if you give him the space he wants, more than likely he's going to realize the best things in his life are whereever you are. Sometimes you have to let the ones you love go for them to come back. Pray for direction and guidence in both of yours time of need. God Bless! and Good Luck!

Pages