I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:53am
Kansasmomma,

New to this thread and wanted to add some encouragement and support. Marriages have their ups and downs and require a lot of work. That's why it is "for better and for worse". In your mid-30s you should both be mature enough to know that you might not feel "in love" every single day, week, month, or possibly even year. But making it through the low spots is worth it (unless he's abusive, but I don't think you are there yet). You have the strength to do it, I know it.

I think you and DH can make it work. You need to remember to be strong, and lean on your friends--both real and virtual. During the Episcopal marriage ceremony, all those present at the service are asked if they will do everything in their power to support the couple's marriage. Everyone you felt close enough to to invite to your wedding has some obligation of moral support in your low times. (and deserve to share some credit for the good times, too.)

To get back to what I wanted to share with you.... Some ideas for getting things back on track. Get back your independence and confidence. Give him space to figure things out, yet opportunity to connect. Make yourself interesting and desireable without seeming desperate. Specific ideas/suggestions:

As someone else stated earlier, you should have your own bank account. Every man and woman should have some financial independence. My DH and I have a joint account for the joint bills (mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc) and individual accounts for our own spending and saving. Neither of us is tied to the marriage for financial reasons, which is reassuring to both. And it also means the ability to splurge on something for yourself or on a gift for him without his knowing or any fighting about it. If you don't have one yet, start one as soon as possible. It doesn't even have to be at a different bank, just separate statements and no co-signing privileges. Money is the number one thing that couples fight about.

From my dim memory of Psych 101, instead of asking him questions to delve deeper into things (which he is resisting), try just repeating the statement back to him as a question, as if to confirm that you heard it right. That might encourage him to elaborate without being pushy.

And to repeat again what others have said, if he doesn't bring up what's bothering him, bring up more neutral subjects. "I read in the paper today that..., what do you think about that?" It will help him to see you as the interesting, intelligent person he fell in love with. And if he can start to feel comfortable talking about those subjects, he might come around on the more personal ones.

Something I have tried with my DH with mixed success when he gets down about the world is get him to think of three things to be thankful for at the end of the day. As horrible as things may get, there's always something to count as a blessing. If he has any sense, you would be his first and foremost because you are willing to work through this. But it might take him a while to realize how wonderful you really are. If your family says grace before meals, this might be something to add to that time. My sister-in-law's family goes around the table and everyone states something for which they are grateful.

Although I'm sure your child is the most intelligent, most fascinating child ever, don't spend your entire evening talking about him and his world. It is a trap a lot of mothers fall into (or in my case, talking about my wonderful dog as I have not had kids *yet*). It's common enough that MasterCard did a commercial based on it a few years back.

Do plan some nice date nights, every week or two. Might want to start with something that doesn't require extended periods of talking, if that's difficult. And keep them inexpensive (like most of our dates were when we first met b/c we didn't have much money) so they won't add to any stress he's feeling about your finances.

But when there isn't a date night/day, try to keep yourself and son busy. Re-establish any activities you had before. Or start some new ones with just girlfriends. Some friends and I have a girls movie night. We do a potluck dinner, rent a movie, kick out any husbands/boyfriends, and just chat and giggle the night away. It will be good for you to have the levity and to re-connect with your girlfriends. And it will be good for your DH to have some time alone with your son, too. And will make you more interesting to him.

Plan fun weekend outings with your son that your husband is invited to join you on, but doesn't have to be there to make it work. Ice skating at the park, zoo, puppet shows, whatever is available. Particularly try to find things that your husband would find engaging. But make it a casual invitation. "I was thinking about taking Johnny to ___ on Saturday. Care to join us?"

Make a "play date" for your DH and his father, if he lives anywhere close by. You and his mom can go do "girl things" and leave the two of them and your son together for some sort of male-centric activity. "Your mom and I are going to (flea market, shop for curtains, get manicures and pedicures, whatever), why don't you and your dad take Johnny to the monster truck rally (or whatever)?" With the loss of his best friend, he is probably feeling a significant void of male companionship. Women tend to make their mate their best friend in the world. Men need a best friend outside of marriage, call it a second-best friend.

As for the looks department (to address the comments of a gentleman earlier), don't look like you are trying too hard. And do it for yourself, not for him. I find when I dress nicely, wear a little make-up, when I leave the house, I get more positive attention from the outside world, which makes me feel better and more confident in my looks. And confidence is sexy. If you haven't been working out, try to make time to do so. Again, not for DH, but because exercise will make you feel better, gives your mind time to wander, makes you healthier so it will be easier to keep up with your son. The bonus *might* be that DH notices, but don't make that your reason to start (b/c you don't want to lose motivation if he is too self-absorbed to notice). On the flip side, when I wear sexy lingerie to bed and he doesn't notice or is "too tired", I feel utterly rejected, and who needs that? But giving him a few extra glimpses of skin while you get dressed or undressed might whet the appetite. ;->

wow, this is WAY longer than I meant for it to be. I just wanted to stress that you CAN make it through. And you have a tremendous amount of support in this board.

blessings on all three of you.

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