I am so upset...I don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
I am so upset...I don't know what to do
5
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:43am
My exboyfriend and I have been broken up three months. We originally started arguing about money because I was paying for everything; however, we do not live together, so everything else besides bills. We were together on and off, mostly on, for 11 years in November. He decided to end things when the fighting about money got to be miserable. Now he has a better job and he is making more money and has gotten his feet back under him. The problem is it hasn't fixed us. He said he wanted a break but we see each other all the time and hang out all the time. When he gets off of work at night he comes to meet me out and we have so much fun together. You can just see the fact that we love each other so much, but whats the problem. Why a break thats not even really a break. This is making me so sad and I don't know what to do. Its hard to talk to him because I get so emotional and sad. This is really affecting my life. I just want it to go back to the way it was!! And honestly I really think it could especially because he has told me he is still in love with me. What is making this guy so crazy. I have never even implied marriage so I don't think it is a commitment thing. Someone asked him what was up with us and he said we still hang out all the time. They asked if we were seeing other people and he said that he doesn't want to see anyone else. What am I supposed to think. I don't really have anyone to talk to because most of our friends are so mutual. Sorry to go rambling but I am like a lost puppy trying to find my way back. I wrote him a letter telling him all of these things. Do you think that was a good idea. We have never kept our feelings to ourselves so I thought he should really know. But I felt like I gave him an altimatm and I am not sure if that was the right thing to do. Please anyone feedback. Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:54am
Sounds straightforward to me...what the guy has never wanted is commitment, or an equality based relationship.

when he needed you to have fun and stuff paid for - it was "exclusive" in the sense that he wouldn't seek elsewhere for someone else to pay for his fun, or his bills, etc.

And now that he's financially solvent.....he's saying "sure, let's hang out becaus I still don't prioritize and want a committed relationship where I have to consider someone else's needs equally with my own." And with you he doesn't have to, he never has, you're just delighted that he's around - period the end - if you pay, or he pays, whatever.

It's simple...the guy isn't "looking for a partner in life' - and so there is no way that he's going to accept the job, obligation, responsibility and requirement of "partnership".

he's fine with fun, sex, conversation, and shared events and interests.....he was fine with that when YOU paid, and he is fine with that when he pays......

It's YOU that has been thinking "when he gets financially solvent, he'll commit"....when in reality - that was not keeping him from commitment whatsover. That was just the "reason" that was given that was a good one for keeping you at arm's length.

You probably wouldn't have wanted a "full commitment" from a guy who lacked financial stability and security. Your family and friends would have been inundating you with "are you crazy, you'll be supporting him the rest of your life." You didn't want that...and you thought "he didn't want that for you".....only now youo'r finding out that isn't the case at all.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 2:41pm
So basically, he's saying he likes not being in a relationship (with the responsibility it entails) and yet he wants to hang out with you and have all the benefits being in a relationship.

So you have to deal with your emotions. Start journal writing. Vent on paper. Then make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them. Don't be at his beck and call. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:49pm
I'm sorry you're going through this emotional roller coaster. But if you're going to expect this man to stop making you miserable, you need to make it clear that you're miserable. He can either be oblivious or play dumb if you're not making it totally clear to him that his behavior/decisions are hurting you.

I think it was a very good idea to write him that letter, because it lays it on the table for him. And I think an ultimatum is just fine, but that means you have to be willing to accept either result. Obviously, you're ready to accept being in a relationship with him, but are you ready to accept that he may not want that?

It's up to you to set your boundaries. If this situation weren't hurting you, I would say fine, let it be. Let it be an uncommitted, unofficial relationship, and just enjoy the fun you have together. But the point is that this does hurt you. It isn't enough for you to just have good times together but not have the relationship that goes along with it. So stop going along with it! If this isn't working for you, then don't let it work for him! Stop coming when he calls you, "hanging out" when he wants to, etc., until he's ready to give you what you want in return.

If you really believe that he genuinely loves you and truly does not want to see anyone besides you, ask him what it is about a relationship that he's averse to. What, outside of what the two of you share now, does he see a relationship consisting of, and why does that scare him? I wonder if, even though you've never talked about marriage, he's making assumptions about what you want after 11 years.

I think you should claim your spot in his life and be firm about your boundaries with this relationship, or move on. He's taking advantage of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:46pm
Thank you for for all of your posts:

So I did it I wrote the letter and he should have received it today. What should I do now. It doesn't seem real fair to wait but it doesn't seem normal to call and bug. So What now

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 7:39pm

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here. You say you're on a break, but your life together is just as it was before the break. So, it's a break in name only. You want to go back with him. How would that be different from what you have now, except that you'd call it being back together? And what about the problem that exists between the two of you, the issues around money and you paying for everything. Has that been addressed?


Just hanging out together and having fun is not going to handle the reasons you are on a so-called break to begin with. You should find a way to deal with the issues together. I strongly feel that the two of you would greatly benefit from going to some couple therapy. You need an objective, trained, professional to help you both sort out what's going on here, and how to make it work best for both of you. Sometimes when patterns have been going on for too long, it's difficult to understand or change them by ourselves. Let him know that you would like the two of you to get some help with your issues so that you can both become clear and comfortable with the relationship. You must address what's causing you pain or else it just hangs around. And often escalates.


Best wishes.