I am thinking too much? Red Flags?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
I am thinking too much? Red Flags?
8
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 12:26pm

Hello all!

Here is a bit of background long story made short.  I have known him for 20 years.  We have always had a crush on each other etc. Now later in our lives our paths have crossed again.  It has been 3 months and we have been seeing each other everyday, (with very few exceptions in the beginning).  We enjoy each others company etc.  We have agreed to take one day at a time with no promises.  We can both tell we care deeply for each other, though we have never really said we were dating or seeing each other exclusively.  I don't think either one of us is quite ready for that step even though others say we are dating. 

I usually don't make it past 3 months and I have been single for ions.  I must say i cannot find anything I don't like about him...I really like this one, and feelings I didn't know still existed...I feel!  I am not jealous of anything from his past...the past is past.  He has alot of girls friends as I have alot of boy friends.  There is one girl from his past that has the hots for him still. It is one sided, (he said he does not have those kinds of feelings for her anylonger and they have not dated for 25 years) but they are good friends.  She is a very nice girl, I like her and we get along fine.  He knows she wants more from him but he has not given her any indication that we are spending time together.  He said he doesnt want to hurt her feelings and doesnt want to throw it in her face.  Am I being a dork or is this something I should think about? Like I said I feel we see alot of each other but I don't really consider us dating per say.  Your input is greatly appreciated.

Jo

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 1:24pm

((((He said he doesnt want to hurt her feelings and doesnt want to throw it in her face. ))))

I do have to say that this comment did cause me to pause.  I am not saying it is a deal breaker with this guy, but it reminds me of what sometimes happens after a divorce or breakup with a long-term relationship.  I have a feeling, if you say they are still friends, that there is a sense of familiarity between the two of them.  And if he has not really had any true long-term relationships, or it has been a while since he has, then he probably has no clue what would really be appropriate in a serious relationship, whether it be with you or anyone else.  

I don't know what kind of friendship these two have, but there is a difference between "it is none of her business" and actually hiding it from her.  Hope that makes sense.  If he is essentially hiding it, then he has some stuff to work through.  If he is not really hiding it, and just honestly doesn't see or talk to her very often, then it may not be that big of a deal.  Because if you think about it, does he really need to go  out of his way to tell her?  That could be just as odd, KWIM?  But again, if you think he is hiding it either by ommission or fibbing, then you may want to weave this into conversation.  And if he gets defensive, then you may want to step back for a while.  And he doesn't get defensive and just says "oh, gosh, nevr thought of that way," then you may just simply keep moving forward.

Hopefully something in all my babble was helpful.  :)  

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work



Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 2:02pm

lol I did get something out of your so called babble.  Thank you so much.  I know he was married for 7 years and he was the one hurt so I know he knows what a long term relationship entails.  Even with his past girlfriends (remember we have known each other along time) The ones that were long term ...I know he was faithful etc.  I also know she helped him get through this divorce that happened last year.  I know she will come to town from time to time to visit family and they will get together for dancing.  I also know before I came along she would always want to stay at his place and he let her two times.  The second time she started to call him babe etc. and he kind of freaked.  (he did tell me they fooled around) She has not stayed since and he does keep his distance so she does not get the wrong ideas.  They do text and facebook.  But this stuff does not bother me honestly, He does speak of me to everyone else and I am not really sure if he does or doesnt mention me to her etc.  I guess I just don't want to be a secret to her but then at the same time we really are not commited to each other.  I am free to date and so is he.  I don't even have a problem with that.....we just choose to spend time with each other.  I just needed to get someone elses insight to this.  My friends say I am at the 3 month period and I am using it as a defense mechanism.  I could be, guess the one day at a time is what I need to keep doing cuz I really like him. Eventually if we keep seeing each other she will eventually see it.  Thanks again.

 

Jo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 2:02pm

lol I did get something out of your so called babble.  Thank you so much.  I know he was married for 7 years and he was the one hurt so I know he knows what a long term relationship entails.  Even with his past girlfriends (remember we have known each other along time) The ones that were long term ...I know he was faithful etc.  I also know she helped him get through this divorce that happened last year.  I know she will come to town from time to time to visit family and they will get together for dancing.  I also know before I came along she would always want to stay at his place and he let her two times.  The second time she started to call him babe etc. and he kind of freaked.  (he did tell me they fooled around) She has not stayed since and he does keep his distance so she does not get the wrong ideas.  They do text and facebook.  But this stuff does not bother me honestly, He does speak of me to everyone else and I am not really sure if he does or doesnt mention me to her etc.  I guess I just don't want to be a secret to her but then at the same time we really are not commited to each other.  I am free to date and so is he.  I don't even have a problem with that.....we just choose to spend time with each other.  I just needed to get someone elses insight to this.  My friends say I am at the 3 month period and I am using it as a defense mechanism.  I could be, guess the one day at a time is what I need to keep doing cuz I really like him. Eventually if we keep seeing each other she will eventually see it.  Thanks again.

 

Jo

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 2:15pm

If she doesn't even live in the same town, then it would make sense that maybe you two are not at a point where there is really anything substantial to share with her.  I would say that as long as you don't think he is intentially hiding it from her, then I would not worry too much at this point.  

If you two do progress, than I would expect some of their socializing to change when she comes to town.  But that can all be addressed as time goes by.  Sounds like he is already figuring out he needs to step back.  

Long-term friendships that had any kind of sexual experience, even if just flurtatious without anything physical, rarely melts well into a new serious relationship with someone else.   It makes sort of an odd triangle that makes the other partner or spouse uncomfortable.  

Doesn't mean you have sever ties with the third wheel, but it usually changes things.  

Good luck and I hope other people offer some ideas for you.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 3:09pm

Thank you so much! I never thought about it that way. Have a super fantastic week Serenity1986.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 3:10pm

Thank you so much! I never thought about it that way. Have a super fantastic week Serenity1986.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 7:34pm

If the 2 of you are seeing each other every day, how is it even possible for either one of you to be able to date other people?  I can see starting off casual dating and just spending time together and not establishing that you are in an exclusive relationship--but at this point, maybe it's time to do that.  By the way, to me, the difference between a date & just spending time with a person of the opposite sex, is whether or not there is a romantic intention--once there is hand holding, kissing & more, isn't that a date?  Otherwise you are just friends--and I think it should be established, unless you want to waste a lot more time here wondering what is going on, whether he has any romantic feelings toward you.  It doesn't mean that you have to get serious right away.  

As far as the woman friend is concerned, I think once you establish what your relationship is with him, then things will fall into place--if the 2 of you spend time with her, it should be obvious whether you are just another woman friend or whether there is a romance going on.  And at some point, he does need to tell her if he has decided that you are his GF, otherwise, contrary to what he thinks, it's not fair to her to lead her on if he's with another woman.  She has the right to know so she isn't making a fool of herself, maybe thinking he's still interested in her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 5:03pm
Musiclover12, Thank you so much for your input. I guess I am using all this as a defense mechanism. No one likes to be hurt. I just need to chill and go with the flow. Thanks again and have a great 4th!!