I am a third wheel: BF-ME-deceased wife!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
I am a third wheel: BF-ME-deceased wife!
4
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:13pm
What do I do? My bf has a problem. I have been dating him for a year and he wont let go of his deceased wife but he still tells me I am his love. I try not to show that I notice his feelings are still there for his wife but I can't help but notice he still has a pic of her in his wallet and there are photos in the bed side table. I havn't moved in with him because it is creepy. There are pictures of her on the walls and everywhere I look she is staring at me. I could swear she has it in for me. She is even watching me or so it looks. I told him that those pictures bother me but he gets mad and says there is nothing to worry about. I very seldom sleep over there now. He doesn't even miss that. He has mentioned that we should consolidate our expenses by moving in together but he won't remove those pics and says they are just for sentimental value. I tried to understand but I just want him and not THEM. ARGGH I don't know what to do. help...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:28am
Everyone grieves in very different ways and everyone stays attached varying lenghts of time. Next time he brings up moving in together, tell him you will consider it if only the two of you go to pre-marital (pre-living together) counseling to discuss life in general. Bring up your concerns there.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:05am
How long ago did his wife pass away? Your bf is obviously having trouble letting go of his deceased wife, and I think that maybe you should try to talk to him about it in a healthy, non-threatening way. You classified your bf's situation as a "problem" and maybe you should try to look at it as part of the grieving stage.

If, however, that your bf's wife passed away a long time ago, maybe the both of you need to talk to someone who can help him move on and continue his life with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:27am

well, while your BF may have trouble "letting go" - YOU are jealous of

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:09pm
hi phoenix....i can answer from my point of view...i am in my 40's and widowed 2.5 years, i have been dating for just over a year a very nice man.

yes i have photos of my husband around the house too but i chose to remove those from my bedroom before i even met this man...i have some mid-sized, framed family pics on my living room bookcase, i was never the type to hang portraits on the walls so all my photos are confined to that bookcase and photo albums....i feel it would be in your boyfriends best interest to not have pictures of his late wife on his bedside table, but than again who am i to tell anyone how to grieve?

how long has he been widowed?...how old is he?...was he married a long time?...did he have children with his wife?...i know my young adult children would feel awful if i suddenly removed my husbands photos from the bookcase but i don't think you want your boyfriend to go to that extreme anyway...maybe you can suggest he put the photos on a bookcase in the family room and compromise with you.

sometimes i get the feeling my new boyfriend feels he may be living with the "ghost" of my deceased husband...i admit i occasionally talk about my late husband's wonderful handiman skills and this might be a sore spot for my b/f...i also tend to call my husband "my husband" and now i try to call him by name to my b/f as it sounds odd to him i'm sure to hear me say "my husband".

on the other hand, my dating a divorced dad also makes me sometimes feel i am living with his x-wifes "ghost"...obviously she is also an intricate part of our life being as he shares child custody with her...so i have to daily deal with past his love too, maybe we all do after we reach middle age.

so if i were you i'd try to remember the woman is dead and buried, surely your b/f realizes it is futile to long for her...but i can understand him wanting to respect her memory and how hard it would be to simply erase her from his house...maybe you can gently pursuade him to move the photos out of the bedroom and place them in a special spot on a shelf...it is heartbreaking for a widow to realize their late spouse is now a "spot on a shelf", but that IS reality.

best to you!

honey