I bet you haven't heard of something lik

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
I bet you haven't heard of something lik
8
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:08pm
Hi, I have a strange "problem", that greatly worries me and I need some sort of resolution, or at the very least an opinion and I wonder if this happened to anybody out there before. I have a wonderful, caring and nice boyfriend, we have our share of problems but who doesn't. What's the problem ? Well... he has a lot of friends, and every time (we've been together for a year) I meet a friend supposedly he tells me this friend has something negative to say about me or something bad I said to them which I have no recollection of remembering, examples, "She said you told her you want to date other single guys", I am not stupid, I definitely wouldn't say anything like that to one of my bf's friends, or "she said that you talked about your ex way too much and she had to interrupt you at least 6 times", true I did talk about my ex-boyfriend but not too the extent this person is describing and there were no interruptions, and the list goes on. Seems to me that no matter how much I try to please and be nice his friends have always something negative to say about me and not only that, they seem to say I said or did things I never did or said !! This is all very stressful to me and I am afraid I am either loosing my mind or else...However, this is what my bf tells me they say, I never heard any of them say anything directly to me.

He likes to throw a lot of parties, at one of the parties he said I got drunk and pushed him to the point he almost flew down the stairs, I have no recollection of this ever happening and it was DEFINTELY unintentional, and I kind of wonder how could I accomplish that since I am 110 pounds and he is 200 and not even remember it !!

At one of our latest parties he said his friends told him that I came-up to a girl and told her:” Back off he is my boyfriend" and later I shoved her and "leeched-on" to him. I got extremely upset because I know for a fact I wouldn't dream of saying this to anybody or shoving anyone, I said I was going to call and ask his friends why they are spreading these nasty stories, he called back in about 15 min. and said he talked to friend and it turned out he misinterpreted what originally said, apparently I was saying: What a great BF a have" and nothing nasty toward the girl, but he maintains I still shoved her and she almost lost her balance, although I do not understand how can I not remember it (the girl is twice my size, I am very thin).

I am freaked out because one of my best friends who I met in Jan. maintains that he is flat out lying to make me feel bad about myself, but I am more inclined to think that his friends are lying and he has immature and inconsiderate friends because it is inconceivable to me why he would be lying to me, plus he is a very sweet, nice, considerate guy who would do any favour for his friends no matter what they ask.

What kind of proof that my friend could be right is I remember a while back he told me one of my friends called him a name and asked me not to confront him (he didn't want to make my friend feel uncomfortable around him), so I didn't however later we broke-up for a couple of months and I asked my friend what the story was, and he said he never called my bf a name, I called one of my ex-boyfriends and asked his opinion on the matter, ex told me that he though my friend was great and could not imagine him calling anyone a name.

I do feel that for some reason when his friends are saying something bad about me he does not stand-up for me for some reason, and I do not know if it’s me who is loosing my mind and I need to see someone or…I don’t know, I haven’t had similar problem with my other boyfriends, this is the first time.


..but other than these factors my BF is a great guy who would do anything for me. Pls, help me to figure out who is right because my friend is angry with me for not believing my bf is lying, have any of you out there ever deal with these situations before ?

I am sorry this is so long...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:21pm
so wait- you meet one of BFs friends and then later on, BF tells you, "so and so said you had to say about me." is that the scenerio?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:54pm
Though you seem to feel as though your losing your mind, I dont think you are. Either your boy friend is playing head games with you because he wants you to feel guilt as a means of controlling you, or maybe he thinks its just fun, but he sounds like HE is mentally unstable. Maybe he is saying these things in the hopes that you will leave him, either by being fed up with it or by really believeing your crazy and that maybe your no good for him, or dangerous. You said he is wonderful and all but he isnt. This is a serious problem and I think you need to address it by dumping him. he is trying to make you think your crazy. Isnt that a big screaming warning sign? Would you want to be married to someone like that? Its mental abuse and he sounds like He is the dangerous one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 2:31pm


Yes, this exactly is the scenario
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 2:52pm
ok, it sounds like your BF is the looney one. what is his purpose in telling you these things? what does he do when you deny it? all kinds of red flags and warning signals are going off in my head; does he expect you to believe that ALL of his friends are plotting against you?

sounds like he's trying to isolate you so you won't spend too much time around his friends for fear they may slip and let you know how much of an @ss he truly is. next time he says, "so and so told me this," tell him to call so and so and you talk to them directly. something tells me he won't do it.

this guy is bad news, plain and simple. either he surrounds himself with conniving people (which says what about him?) or he's playing some kind of game with you as a means of control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 9:30pm
I read your post and had to reply b/c it sounded so familiar. My ex bf did the same thing to me. He had a lot of female coworkers that apparently would tell him things that they didn't like about me, which was funny b/c whenever we all met up they wouldn't really even talk to me. Some of his guy friends also supposedly had problems with me. It really pissed me off that he would believe them over me.

My ex and I obviously broke up (I'm not suggesting that is the answer for you) and I'm still left wondering why he would believe all of the stories or make them up and also, Why didn't any story contain a part where he stood up for ME?! Why did he listen to all of this crap and never once stick up for me?

I think thats what you should be thinking about also. Shouldn't your boyfriend have your back and believe in you?

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:04am
Let em see if I got this straight:

Your BF comes and tells you that his friend told him about some horrible thing that YOU have said and done. You never did or said the thing.

Also, your BF tells you that you DID things that you don't remember doing (like pushing him) and that you would never do anyway.

How can you believe that his friends are the problem? He is obviously the problem. Either he is a compulsive liar, or (more likely) he is playing head games as a means of controlling you. he is probably feeding lies to his friends about you as well.

Either way, this is one big fat red flag if I have ever seen one. I encourage you to stay away from someone you cannot trust. It may get worse: he seems to be working to undermine your self confidence until you won't trust yourself any more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:14am
Either your boyfriend has trouble separating fantasy from reality or he is lying to you. Why would he do this? What would he get from this? Well maybe it is his passive aggressive way of controlling you or telling you things he doesn't like about you (she said that you talked about your ex way too much and she had to interrupt you at least 6 times") without taking any ownership which is cowardly. It is also a way to find out what you are thinking without having a mature conversation (She said you told her you want to date other single guys",). and asking you himself.

'I am more inclined to think that his friends are lying and he has immature and inconsiderate friends because it is inconceivable to me why he would be lying to me,'

Well this could be a rationalization to convince yourself that he is a great guy.

Have a heart to heart with him and find out what is going on.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:11pm

You are actually in a rather dangeous, crazy making situation. This is nothing to play around with. You are being told negative things about yourself and others, you are doubting your own sense of reality and self worth. It is crucial that you find out the truth here. You "must" confront these friends directly and ask them if they said these things. From what you say in your email, there is a good chance your boyfriend is "lying". When you asked to question his friend awhile ago, he quickly changed his story. When you asked a friend of yours, they also denied this. If, in fact, he is making this up, get away from him immediately. His behavior is not only pathological, very sick, but is very destructive towards you. .and can create a kind of paranoia in you Despite his other good qualities, he is playing a dangerous head game - that not only can destroy your sense of self worth, but