I can't accept her
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I can't accept her
| Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:29am |
I have been dating my boyfriend a little over a year. We have had a great realationship until recently. He has a friend who is a woman. The problem is this. I have never met her. He told me that she has had feelings for him. He was her coach. She lives an hour away. He was her date for two of her siblings weddings while he was dating me at the beginning. She lives an hour away and like to call him and tell him she is showing up. She calls him late at night before I go home. He doesn't pick up but calls her back at 11:30. This has happened twice and both times I told him how it hurt me. In addition to this when I went out of town for 2 weeks on business she showed up and slept over at his place. He doesn't see why that would bother me. This happened after 7 months of seeing each other everyday and couple vacations. I have told him how she makes me feel. I do not want this to be a three person relationship. When we started dating we both agreed it is not a good idea for us to have "best" friends of the opposite sex. We have been fighting constantly about this every day lately. I have told him that if he will continue this friendship with her than I will need to leave as I can't continue like this. I don't even know her and never met her! Now for me to meet her is too late. I would not be a very nice person because of the feelings I have. He doesn't understand what is wrong with talking to her at 11:30 at night after I go home. This is a grown man. He claims nothing is going on but I just feel like she will never go away or leave us alone. He says he would never date her or be with her...but than what is going on here. I really can't argue about his anymore. In addition if I had a guy friend come stay at my place while he is on business he would not stand for it. I do not want to be in a relationship where what is ok for him is not ok for me. What do I do with this situation as I really love him and hope we can move past this. This is our only problem in our relationship! Any advise?

It's pretty obvious that YOU don't like this other lady...irregardless of whether her relationship with your b/f is platonic or serious.
Consider a 30-day separation period without any communication. This way...your b/f has the choice of dropping you or the other woman. This arrangement also gives YOU the option of dating other people...and deciding if one of them is more important than your current b/f?
Pianoguy
Take care
opsicle
You are absolutely right. You must respect yourself in this relationship and it sounds as though your boyfriend is not able to understand your feelings or needs. If he cannot respect the fact that this bothers you, that is not acceptable. The essence of a good relationship is that both mutually ocnsider one another's feelings and needs. You have told him how much this bothers you and the fact that he does nothing about it shows that he is not the right person for you. Unless you have a partner who is able to give you the respect you need, it is easy to lose self esteem in a relationship. Let him know that unless this changes immediately, the relationship is over.
If it is over, realize that is for the best. Go forward to find a person who is mature and willing to take your needs into account.
Best wishes.
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Sheri