I CAN'T BE HIS KILLER......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
I CAN'T BE HIS KILLER......
6
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:11pm

....I'm torn between two men- one whom I've been w/ for 4 years and still love, and a new love interest, who's able to offer me so much more....

I've been w/ Shawn for 4 years, he was my first everything. Years ago he cheated more than once, it damaged us, but he HAS tried hard to make it up. Yet, we fight all the time, and he pretty much never does anything sweet or romantic for me, and does NOTHING with his life. He also lost his father a year ago, and though isn't in mourning, he's still feeling much pain and in a very vulnerable moment- making this all the harder.

I met a guy named Adam, he's a GREAT guy, and has already done so many nice things for me and treats me like a queen. I havent cheated on Shawn, Adam and I never did anything and I dont see him very often. Adam knows the story, and cares about me so much that he said he'd wait for me to make my decision, and tells me to follow my heart. He confesses that he's afraid of losing me. I told him he wouldnt, because I feel like its better 2 be with him instead of Shawn, and he'd be the good boyfriend Shawn never was.

But I feel like I'm still in love with Shawn! Its like I'm force-feeding myself happiness, because I know Adam will give me more happiness and treat me so much better. But it breaks my heart to see Shawn hurt, and I dont want to kill him. I cant just move on with my life- hes a part of me, and moving on would be SO hard knowing that I'm happy- but somewhere, Shawn is sitting all alone crying over his broken heart. He's already lost so much. This rips me to shreds & holds me back.

I broke up w/ Shawn last week, but he desperately wants to see me and I miss him as well, so we casually hang out somedays. He's so heartbroken. I try to tell him how unhappy I am in the relationship we had (never mentioning Adam, THAT will do TOOOO much damage!) but he keeps hoping for another chance to make me happy. He really has done so much to try better over the years, but he just can't. But is that really his fault? He said that if I left him, especially for another man, then he would have to make himself hate me to get over me, and wouldnt want to see me because it'd hurt too much to know I wasnt his girl.I cant argue w/ that.

Adam is wating. I cant let this good chance for happiness with Adam pass by, I feel like I've done more than enough for Shawn & deserve better, but I feel like I'm dying seeing myself hurting him- KILLING HIM- every time I put distance between Shawn and I!


I've pretty much made the decision to be with Adam, but how can I let go of Shawn without killing him?? And is it a wrong decision? What do I do? How can I stop this immense pain?!?

** I can't thank you enough for reading this and any advice you have to offer. God Bless. **

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:26pm
I understand your situation but you have to know you are not "killing " him. I'm not trying to sound cruel but we all go through heart break. You have not done anything wrong, in fact it sounds like your ex is to blame for the majority of your relationship problems. He will just have to get over it. The majority of us do. I think you need to cut off all contact with him however, as it is prolonging the inevitable and making you miserable, as well as possibly giving him the idea that there may be hope. Don't feel guilty...you have nothing to feel guilty over. Disappointment is a part of life that he has to learn about as well as consequences for his actions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 4:35am
No you dont sound cruel at all.... you're right. Your words mean so much to me, I need them to see clearly. Thank you so much heartagramz.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 6:57am

I understand from your post that your ex-BF cheated early in the relationship but you worked through that. Also, his father passed away and he is having a tough time dealing with that. You don't mention anything about the relationship that you had with him. Why you were unhappy and felt you had to end the relationship?

Personally, I think you should not be with Adam right now. He is clouding your vision. As great as he is, you mentioned in your post that you still love Shawn. You can not give 100% to your new relationship with your unresolved feeling from your past relationship. That doesn't mean you should jump back to Shawn though. I think you need to be by yourself for awhile to figure out what you really want and need from a relationship. Seeking some counseling would sure help you reconnect with yourself as well. After some time, you'll be able to see more clearly if either of these men are who you are meant to be with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:44am

It seems you are so emotionally involved in this situation that you are getting rather dramatic... I think I counted about five "kill"s in there. Ending a relationship does not kill someone, hearts do not physically break, and people move on. Crying, heartbroken, desperate - these are words you've used to describe him. You relationship sounded very emotional and dramatic, and while you seem to have a huge impact on one another, you should probably start to realize that a dramatic rollercoaster relationship is not a healthy one. Two people should be able to break up without driving one another insane. Try to tone your emotions and reactions down as best you can.

That said, you should be able to find happiness elsewhere and apparently you have, but do you really think you're in the right frame of mind to be dating someone else right now? I'll leave that question to you. Remember how you felt when you first started dating Shawn... He probably treated you like a queen, too. Could it be that a dramatic person such as yourself is longing for the sweet, romantic gestures that accompanies a new love? Quite possibly. That's not necessarily wrong, it just means that staying in a four year relationship is not a good idea and you're probably not ready to "settle down."

The best thing you can do for Shawn is to give him a clean break; don't talk to him and don't hang out with him. It might feel cruel, but think about how he's feeling right now - somewhere in his mind he thinks that you continuing to speak to and see him means that he has a chance with you. You're stringing him along, trying to decide between him and someone else, and he doesn't deserve that. If you really wanted to be with him, you wouldn't feel like you have to make this decision. Just sever your relationship, and let him move on. Keeping him around because moving on is hard would be a very selfish thing to do - he deserves to be given the ability to let go, too.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong about having cheated on Shawn - you're cheating on him right now, it's called an "emotional affair" (brought up often on these boards). Dedicating a part of your heart to another man is an infidelity in itself, and rather than dragging this out any longer you should end it with Shawn now. Take a break from Adam, be single for a little while and take some time to get over a very long relationship - you're going to need it. If you rush right into a relationship with someone else you are very likely to sabotage it. If Adam is truly right for you then he will wait.

Good luck, don't put this off too much longer or you will end up hurting Shawn even more.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:47am

It is clear that Shawn needs professional help to work out his sadness, depression, mourning and lack of caring in many ways. You are not killing him and you cannot heal him either. You are a bandaid on his suffering. Unless he is willing to grow up and face himself and his problems, this relationship will only pull you down. He does nothing for you, you are not receiving what you need from him and so perhaps you want to stay there out of guilt, or empathy or to be his care taker. In the long run it won't work. As I said, he needs to pull himself together and face his issues. No one can do that for another. It is natural of course when two people break up not to maintain a friendship. That can be too hard. If you have decided to go to Adam, (a healthy choice), and want to help Shawn before you do, strongly urge him to get the professional help he needs. His life is not in your hands. It is up to him to take the reigns.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:46pm

Welcome to the board amber_skies,


Sorry you are going through this.