I can't commit

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
I can't commit
3
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:58pm
I have been dating a guy for nearly a year now, and I seem to be having such a hard time letting him into my life. It was a divorce that I am recovering from, and I know that I dove in too quickly and that it's the hard way to start a relationship, but I like him enough that I wanted to try. Now, I like to see him once a week, and that's enough for me. At the same time, I feel like I want him to like me, and I want him to leave me alone. Luckily, it's sort of the same way for him. I always come up with excuses regarding work and friends. He always comes up with excuses like friends, work or working on the house. We go back and forth regarding feeling unloved and feeling happy that we are with someone who gives us our space.

Most troubling to me is that I really haven't introduced him to any of my friends, and I have no interest in having him meet them. He comments on this, and sort of does similar things, but he has invited me out with his friends many times, and I spent a holiday with his family, and when they come to visit, they always include me. Eeeeek. I feel like a jerk, but I also know that I just need to feel really independent for a while. It is hard, I want a man who knows that I am independent, and admires that, but who wants to take care of me. Sometimes I get upset because he never is there if I am sick, and there is no caring in his voice when we talk on the phone. He doesn't drive or pay when we go out - it's mostly even, but he will drive my car becuase his is a gas-guzzler - so i have to pay the gas bills! He offers to make dinner, and then when I show up, he sends me to the grocery store for food. I feel very much not cherished. But, I guess so does he. I am trying to work on that, at least, when I arrange a meeting/date, I try to spoil him. However ,he sees this as a relationship, not dating, so he seems to think that it's even-steven at this point. How do I break it to him that I see us as 'dating'?

is this destined to fail?

why do I stay in it if it is so painful? (because otherwise I would waste my time trying to date other men, that's part of the reason)

I really just want a good friend and someone to hike with. It's not bad to know that someone is interested in me.

crap. I'm sort of a mess about this.

advice, please! Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:26am

It sounds like you care about this guy and would really wish that it could work, but its bad timing rightnow for you. ...


" I really just want a freind and someone to hike with.".....thats a big difference than wanting a boyfreind.


Nothing you said pointed to you wanting to stay in this relationship, hard part for you is telling him this. Just tell him the truth and you may juist get that freind you want.:)


Best wishes, keep us updated.


 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:19am

It sounds to me as though you have not worked through issues from your marriage. You are torn about moving on in a healthy, equal relationship because there are so many residual feelings you have about your marriage that are unresolved. Get to a therapist. You are filled with coflict and ambivalence. Unless you address this directly, it will only get played out in future relationships with men, (as it is now). YOu want and do not want. You spoil him financially, he is cheap and non giving with money and with friends he is more sharing than you. It's all mixed up. He most likely has the same conflicts and confusion you have. We always attract a person who is a mirror of ourselves. Get some help in sorting out everything that's going on. Discover what you really deserve and want in the future and then at some point, you will be able to risk trusting and loving again. If you just want a friend for now, nothing wrong with that. Don't mix it up though. Get clear and stay clear. The danger with what you are going through now is that it can create more confusion, less confidence and perhaps even a dose of low self esteem.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 3:28pm
Dear Marsexpert and Dr. Shoshanna -

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful advice. I think that you have clarified some of the ideas that are bonking around in my mind, and it is good to have that objective viewpoint. I always think that I can see my own life objectively, and I really find it fascinating, but it's hard to act on that (and sometimes, who wants to?!) That said, this doesn't make what I have to do any easier! You are right, I feel like a really bad partner, and it is bad for my self esteem. I will initiate a discussion of these ideas (in a kind and loving way?!) this weekend. Ouch.

Best regards, Sarah

ps.Yes, I have a therapist, but it's hard to see her as often as I need to. Sigh, HMO. I had to get to a really bad place just to get referred to her in the first place.