I can't deal with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
I can't deal with this
11
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:56am
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I met my current boyfriend about 6 months ago, although we had been coworkers 10 years earlier, so we had known each other previously. I had just broken off an engagement six months before we met due to lying/possibly cheating, etc. I was very bitter and angry at the time, and knew that a new relationship was probably a bad idea. But, of course, I was smitten, and we fell hard for each other. I made the mistake of confiding in my new boyfriend about my previous relationship, the lack of trust, the ways he hurt me, etc. Saturday I received the news that my ex-fiance was in the hospital with a brain tumor, and was going into surgery, and could possibly not make it. I was really torn up on what to do. On the one hand, he hurt me, but on the other hand, it was a possibility that I might never speak to him again, and things were left on bad terms. I did what I thought was the right thing, and went to see him in the hospital. After seeing him, all the anger I had felt about his "sins" in our relationship disappeared. I just don't care anymore. I have no intention of getting back together with him, and I doubt we will even keep in touch, but I think we were both relieved to put the anger behind us. New boyfriend is flipping out. He is accusing me of lying, because apparently when we first started dating I said that I would NEVER have married the fiance (which was probably what I was feeling at the time, but I don't remember saying it), but now I admit that there was a time that I did consider it, and the new boyfriend says he feels betrayed and "played." I don't understand this. He has broken up with me because he says he cannot trust me now. Because six months ago I said something and now my perception has changed? Do I owe new boyfriend an apology????? He broke up with me over e-mail, at work, and is calling me a liar. What the hell do I do? At this point, I don't feel that I have to justify my feelings, and think the whole thing is ridiculous. I tried to reassure him how much I love him, and that I would never go back to the ex, but he is adamant that I am lying about the past and can't be trusted. I am also very angry that he has abandoned me at this time. I don't plan on mourning the ex for a lifetime, but I think I'm allowed a few days to be upset. I don't even know that I could take the new boyfriend back now, since he has displayed a complete lack of compassion or understanding for me. Am I wrong to think this is crazy?????????????????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:57pm
I think you 100% did the right thing by going to see your ex in the hospital. It was good that he knew you were there and that you could both get come "closure" to the relationship. You by forgiving him did that.

I don't wanna sound rude but your new bf is being uncompassionate and not understanding right now. You found out that the man you were supposed to marry at one point was very ill in the hospital and your bf is mad that you went to visit him?!!! That is not fair to do to you.

I am sure you are going through enough that you do not have to deal w./ your bf being like that. I am currently w./ the man I want to marry but if my ex of 3 years was in the hospital I would certainly go to visit him. It is ok to still care and to feel sadness for your ex.

You did not "play" your bf. He should understand that at one point in your life you were w./ someone who you thought you had a future with. You obviously realized that you 2 weren't meant to be together and ended the relationship. If it didn't work on that level then why does your bf think you would just run back into your ex's arms?!

I am sorry that you are going through so much right now. If your bf can't understand then he does not deserve you. But, if you love him like you said you do then you need to help him understand. Men sometimes need things mapped out for them (my bf sure does). I wish you luck and hope that your ex is doing better.

P.S. The break-up on the e-mail thing...a little immature...sorry :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:29pm
Thanks for your response. I think I need to clarify that he "claims" he has no problem with me visiting the one time, but what is bothering him is that when we first started dating, I confided in him all the turmoil I had been through, and was in a bitter and angry stage. Now that I'm over it, and not bitter and angry, he is saying that everything I told him must have been "stories." That I just made up to pacify his insecurities. I'm beginning to think I just can't win here. He is saying I LIED to him about my past and what happened with my ex (I only told him the bad things), and now that he's hearing what a "wonderful" person my ex is (which, by the way, I didn't say, just said he has good qualities, too, and I'm over the anger), that he cannot trust me, and doesn't trust me to not just "pacify" him in the future. Is this making any sense??????? My head is spinning. So, essentially, because I don't feel the same way about my ex that I did six months ago, I am a liar. Please, someone, tell me I'm not crazy. He is questioning every single thing I've told him about ex. I even offered references to corroborate my story. LOL. It's really not funny, but it seems ludicrous to me that he is doing this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:14pm
seriously? I would tell you to tell the current BF good riddiance! but I'm a bit impatient when it comes to things like this. Current BF is perhaps an insecure person who needs you to completely hate and always hate your exes for him to feel secure. Even though he says he doesn't mind you visiting your ex in the hospital, I think he's lying and he's scared that you seeing your ex so vulnerable will incite old romantic feelings in you again and you may decide to go back to him and take care of him.

Don't apologize because you felt a certain way 6 months ago and now after you've calmed down and put things in perspective you decided that maybe you were just a tad bit irrational. That is a normal human response when someone does something to you and you are really upset about it that very second but after getting a breather, you decide that maybe you overreacted a bit. Ask current BF point blank to be honest with you about his insecurities. if he does that, assure him that you have no intention of going back to your ex. If current BF is still digging his heels over it, then accept the breakup and move on. It's better you discovered this now than later...and trust me, he'll think of you

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:18pm
You arent crazy . Hes taking your feelings and bashing you over the head with them. This wont be the last time your emotions and viewpoints will be held against you. His plan is that you will call him crying and begging for "forgiveness" so he can feel like "the man". Hes obviously very threatened. You only have six months invested...think long and hard here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:14pm
Thank you. That's exactly what I'm feeling, I didn't know how to describe it. I'm being bashed over the head with my feelings. How dare I change them? How dare I forgive a man from my past just because he has a brain tumor? I must have been lying all along about what he put me through, since I'm willing to forgive him and move on. Oy. I think I'll let this fish swim ...
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:20pm
How dare you progress, release anger, etc.??? Good choice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:33pm
You are right on. He is insecure. He also admits his insecurity. But, he says he "can't get over this." Guess that means he's digging his heels in, eh? Oh, well. Can't win 'em all, I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:46pm
So basically, he wants you to stay angry and bitter so that he can be reassured that as long as you are angry and bitter you would never go back to him and without that anger and bitterness then he thinks that means there is a chance you would start up again with him.

Feelings are not cast in stone. Good for you for releasing your pain.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:02pm
that's quite sad if that is the case. If you really did not misrepresent your past relationship to him. If everything is really the way you've told us here, then perhaps it IS time to move on from this guy. Trust me, I've dated an insecure man before and it is not fun at all. The constant reassuring, the discomfort you get when you are trying to share your life stories involving past relationships, etc. It is quite draining. Having to check yourself and not even been able to innocently say a guy on tv is attractive without your BF feeling insecure...whew! boy am I glad I got out of that!.

Do yourself a favor and let him walk on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:53pm
I share some of the boards with my boyfriend and when he read yours (and the relpies you have gotten) he said you need a different perspective, so I invited him to write one and told him I would post it for him....

So here's his reply:

:: ...knew that a new relationship was probably a bad idea. But, of course, I was smitten, and we fell hard for each other. I made the mistake of confiding in my new boyfriend about my previous relationship, the lack of trust, the ways he hurt me, etc.

Confiding in your boyfriend is not a mistake, it is something that you are supposed to do. So you go and see an ex-boyfriend, whom you had made it clear did some horrible things to you ("things were left on bad terms," "the ways he hurt me", etc), we don't know what those things are, but it doesn't sound good. I'm sure it sounds worse in that nobody wants to see someone they love hurt. Your ex clearly hurt you and left things with you on bad terms. Yet when you decide to visit him in the hospital, your current boyfriend sees the changes in you, sees that you still care for him and had and have feelings for him. If you didn't, it wouldn't be so important for you to see him before his surgery. This is clearly a different impression than you gave him when you first starting dating. He feels tremendously insecure, questions whether he is just the rebound guy to help you over the ex, etc. Seeing that you still care for the ex so much (even without any desire to be with him) too him out of his comfort zone with you.

::He is accusing me of lying, because apparently when we first started dating I said that I would NEVER have married the fiancé (which was probably what I was feeling at the time, but I don't remember saying it), but now I admit that there was a time that I did consider it, and the new boyfriend says he feels betrayed and "played."

He found an outlet to vent his feelings about all of this. He remembers you saying that you would NEVER have married the fiancé (which is of course ridiculous, because that is what the term fiancé implies), yet now he hears something different. Just like he now realizes your feelings are also different. In his mind you are lying. It is difficult to trust someone (let alone be in a relationship with someone) that you believe lies to you. He may have made the right call for himself breaking this off (agree with everyone else that email is very inconsiderate and immature), whether or not you did actually lie, he believes this to be true. He is not being considerate of your feelings because he can't even manage his own on this subject.

From your perspective you are dealing with your feelings related to all this; those stirred up about the ex, worry about the ex, lack of support for the current ex, anger about being abandoned, etc. I don't ever think it is good to get back together with someone after they break up with you like this. What about your trust? How could you ever trust him again to be there when you need him. That is what relationships are about. In spite of what you were feeling, you tried to comfort him and reassure him, sorry he didn't get it.

Sounds to me like you tried your best to understand and help him with his feelings. Sorry he couldn't do the same for you. Sorry you have to go through this.


Edited 4/29/2004 10:00 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

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