I can't deal with my stepdaughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
I can't deal with my stepdaughter
4
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:01pm
Well let me start with saying that my fiancee is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is a wonderful man and I love and adore him so very very much. We have been together over a year, living together for more than half of that time. He has a daughter, which he gets to see on weekends. She is 10, ADD, talkative, selfish (only child at the moment), rude, has absolutely no manners, and, well--a difficult child for me. I get stressed out so easily as it is, and when she is here, I am in tears with frustration!! Dad takes over, of course, when he sees me get frustrated, but she is even more of a brat to him!!! She is only 10, yet she has learned the art of talking back quite masterfully. And if she is asked to do something (brush her teeth, pick up her toys, whatever) she sobs like a baby--you would think someone DIED the way she cries and screams!!! I don't understand why she does this, and I know that neither one of us gives in the the crying. She just does whatever she's told while sobbing endlessly. Her mom and my fiancee are still friends, and they still talk. I've spoken with her about these things, and she has told me that she doesn't give in to the baby-behavior either. So why does she do it??? And when she gets here on Friday, the CATS get a warmer hello than I do. I know she loves me, she hugs me and tells me all the time. And of course I love her and tell her that. But more often than not, I just can't wait for Sunday to come so she can go back to her moms and I can have some peace and quiet again. (by the way--I am 24, my fiancee is 32.) But anyways--she drives me up the wall more often than not, and I don't know what to do!!!! I am NOT willing to give up my AWESOME relationship with the father, yet, I don't know how to deal with the daughter. I have come to dread weekends, and that sucks. Any advice, opinions, is appreciated. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:17pm
What is your husband (and his ex) doing for her? Are they in counsling? It sounds like you all need to learn some techniques from a professional and be very consistent with how you deal with and ignore her behavior.

She still sobs because she gets something out of it. Even if an adult succumbs to her crying just once in a while it is worth it for her to keep it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:38pm
When I was considering marrying a man with kids I found several good books on amazon.com on step-parenting and second marriages that could give you many ideas. There's also good information available through a web search engine. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 7:46am

i am really sorry for this honey, but i must say this - the bottom line is that if you can't get along with your DF's child (for whatever reason) - then you shouldn't be in this relationship. before you take one more step - you all need to get professional help. a good family therapist, with experience with blended/step families can guide you. you are right - screming and crying is not healthy behavior for any age - but by age 10 this should pretty much be over. you do understand that SOMEWHERE in her life SOMEONE does let her get what she wants when she does this - which is how she learnt to do it. I don't see how you can possibly manage without getting help and i don't mean buying a bunch of books on how to be a good step parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 2:45pm
Interesting that your fiance and his ex doesn't 'give in' to the tears, but she keeps doing it. She's getting a pay-off from her behavior, some way, some how.

It's hard to detatch emotional when she acts up. You have to get to the point that you speak honestly and direct, without judgment - It's time to get ready for bed. What things need to be done? (No kid likes being told what to do. So try changing the dialog - 'this goes here, this goes there.' or even 'how about we read a story after you brush your teeth?' or 'we'll start the movie when you are in your pj's and teeth are brushed.'

When she's crying, tell her, 'I see you are upset, would you like a hug?' If she does, give her one, then it's back to the chore she's been asked to do. If not, then say, 'Please spend a few moments in your room until you feel well enough to start brushing your teeth.'

Also I suggest a parenting class that both you and your fiance take together. It will let you know you are not alone and give you great ideas on how to help her AND suggest ways to reward positive behavior.


Carrie