I cant do it anymore - Divorce????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
I cant do it anymore - Divorce????
4
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:19pm
hi my name is sarah.

I have 2 children ages 1 and 2 years old. Been with my partner for 7 years married to him for 3.

Since the 2nd child was born, I've become more and more miserable. My Husband does NOT seem to want sex at all. I have had to innitiate pretty much everytime in the past year. the only times I havent had too were when he has been drunk and that is never fun for me, luckily thats only 2 or 3 times a year. He does not compliment me, he does not even look at me anymore. I can walk around house completely naked and he wont even glance my direction.

I am a stay at home mother, I do not have a babysitter, I do not go out, I do not ever have a chance to be anything but a mother and neglected wife. Everything I was ever good at I cant do anymore, I have no fiends outside of the family because I do not go out. I tried to talk my husband into letting get daycare for the boys 1 or 2 days a week so I could have days for just ME or US - that was about a year ago - and he didnt like the idea - said it was waste of money to hire someone to watch kids when we are available to do it. Given we are on a very tight budget and dont have extra money to waste on Daycare - I am not a good mother If I dont have time to get away now and then.

I cry nearly everyday, I am losing control of my emotions completely. Having emotional outbursts over very small things. My husband doesnt seem to have any clue - he just thinks I'm unstable raving bitch I'm sure.

I KNOW that he loves me, I know that he finds me attrative - I just dont see how a 26 year old man doesnt seem to want sex more then once a month - Hell I want it every day - I'm used to not getting it - so I settle for whatever. I've tried withholding from him to get him to pursue me - He wont - he just gets indignant and doesnt bother with me.

I have talked to him about how unhappy I am - he just Doesnt get it. It never seems to sink in. I dont want to say divorse to him as when I've mentioned the word before he has gotten very angry and just said "well if thats what you want" type of thing... like he doesnt care.

I've seen the man cry once in 7 years. He just will not show emotion, like he finds it to be weakness.

I'm now to the point where if something doesnt happen soon - I'm gonna look elsewhere. i need some sort of positive feedback -need it.

what do i do, i have no means to support myself and my kids, i have no education, i have no family within 2000 miles of me. i'm desperate. i love and want my family together, but i'm breaking down rapidly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:25pm
Look.....there are the 'roles' you play in life - mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, etc...there is "who you are at the core".

who you are as a person - how self-aware, self-complete, self-responsible, self-accepting - that all determines how good you can be in any role that you play in life.

There ARE options out there......although I have been where you are...and I know how are they are to spot. The more you focus in on one or two aspects being your "salvation"....the less overall review you can put towards the bigger picture.

So, waht did you "used to do and like to do" - that you did before you had two kids?

I am willing to help if yu want it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:04pm
I was a rather accomplished horse woman, I loved school and taking recreational courses about a very eclectic mix of things. I am good at photography, and want to learn more and one day make a living through photography. I sing well, I speak well, I am good in front of a crowd. I do many things well... by far hormanship was my passion and my calling. I have no means to pursue that anymore. The few connection I have left within the equestrian world are out of my reach due to the complications of having a family to care for. My best hope for having these things in my life again n any sort of regular basis is to wait till my children enter their school years.

I feel somewhat better already by being able to rant a bit about all these troublesome feelings. Some feelings I know are completely justified, others are merely egged on by the poor feelings I have right now. I speak of my husband as if he is a terrible husband uncaring and unfeeling, but in truth he is a patient and kind man - a hard worker and provider, committed, and fantastic parent. But he has lost his ability to nurture our relationship. He has become so comfortable with our marriage that he takes everything for granted. he feels many of the same pressures as I do, but does not share them with me, if he could just share his feelings with me I would view it as a connection between us and feel trusted and loved.

I am undoubtedly at fault in many ways - I have always been an extremely emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve. And things that might not effect someone else much, cut me deeply. I know it is my responsibilty to be happy - no one else can make me happy, but others can certainly hinder my ability to be happy. I need to find some way to level out and become more patient with my situation, one thing I know is things are always changing and it wont be like this forever. I miss being desired, I miss being courted, I miss being flattered and complimented and appreciated.

Thank You for your advise and insights

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 2:32pm
Happiness isn't a feeling. It's a pervasive perception of self/life and it isn't situationally dictated or other determined.

That said.....okay, stick with this and ask whatever comes up...when I self-actualized in my last now ended marriage....I have always stated I was forunate to have "no options" to pursue, and had no history of personal goals and accomplishment.

I went to high school and did well -and after that rebelled against, or clung to with resentful adherance - entities to make me complete, secure, optioned, provided for, etc. etc. etc.

So at 33, when I took the ONLY option available to me as a recreational pursuit - because he also participate at a much higher level of athleticism than me obviously due to 15 years involved in the sport.....I didn't take up the sport to "win'.

I took up solo kayaking. Solo because that was so "not" what I did in any venue or forum. And solo becuase I had aligned and rebelled against so many entities, standards, and requirements that I was now more scared of "everybody else" than I was of me...and I was terrified of me - that isputting it mildly.

So, I took up solo paddling in a very "heart on your sleeve' mindset. Feeling are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action. They're not what you use to determine waht to do in situations to get your desired results.

In most pursuits, if you "act on your feelings" ....what you get is 'failure' - with a capital F. Or destruction in capitalized and italicized bold.

feelings are important, they're a result of your perception of self and situation in light of your expectations and goals......but feelings are formed AFTER the situation that you're reviewing has already begun to change, and thus the feeling is not "relevant" to be reviewed as a fact to determine what to do - and your feelings can't be used as goals to be pursued or as obstructions to avoid. As in "I want to feel good all the time" - and then you proceed to do whatever options an dopportunities befall that you offer you some temporary warm emotional fuzzies.

You're lucking out - I had the chance ot explain this once...so perhaps this will go a little better on second go-round.

In my world....lacking identity, success, security, options, in a world that was pervaded by requirement of the obligations I had created and the restrictions that my actions had pplaced on me....I had a "solo tippy kayak" on a very obstructed river.

That "playground" was to become my classroom as a place to learn about me, what i was capable of, what I wanted, what I stood for, what i valued, the thinking patterns would be made clear to me - uot there in the "uncertainty and uncontrollable element" of the river...with a perception of self-inadequte and inferiority.

The river - that is a living entity. It has a flow and push all its own...it cannot be controlled. It represented all the people and entities in my life that I had either "adhered to in blind faith"...or "rebelled against in blind anger".

I did not comprehend "how" to read the water to determine if the push and flow and its path that it would follow and I could not control would take me towards my desired location...or put me in contact destructively with the obstructions in the path that stood between me and my destination.

For 3 years....I paddled that solo kayak about 25 hours a week, in a very onnocuous 5 mile stretch of river - going up and back because I had nobody to "shuttle me" from a take out point.

I paddled in terror and fear...but I was slowly acustomizing myself to the fact that wind, water, and mother nature were in control of the flow, the push, the obstructions and the element......it was my true DESIRE to be in the element...that was putting me into contact with the element itself. Nobody was forcing me to go out and paddle...my desire to paddle was forcing me to go out there on the river!

In talking with someone about something else...I was trying to explain how solo paddling had changed my focus in life. That very slowly, the element of the river stopped being so terrifying and intimidating and destructive to me, my boat....yet with the heartfelt desire and self-discipline required to go out there and each day adn "take on what I could not control".

That person was able to explain to me..what I could not see clearly as I was too close to the problem...and so near to the solution, as well. He insightfully responded "I think I get why this has changed your life. You've always gone around trying to control other people nad things with being nice and good, doing waht you're told and not making demands. or, youv'e gone around trying to get what it is you're entitled to through destructive methods when being nice and polite didn't work. You've now gotten into an element that no matter how nice or how mad you are - it has "no response" to you on an individual basis...and by repeatedly going out there like the stubborn person that you are....you're slowly,but surely, learning to control the boat that you're paddling vs. trying to control the water and its path and flow."

LIGHTBULB>>>>>>>>>>>STADIUM HALOGEN!!!!!!!

The next day, I went paddling and for the first time was NOT SCARED of the water. I finally saw clearly what I had so painstakingly been reaching as a solution and conclusion to my question and my problem. The goal wasn't to "control the water"...the goal wasn't to "avoid the obstacle" - the goal was to gain the skill that enabled me to go WITH the water and avoid the obstruction simultaneously. If the closest distance between two points is a straight line........I stopped zigging and zagging in life from bank to bank on a wide river...and took a straight shot towards happiness, success, security and identity as personally identified and defined.

Why am I teling you this.....becuase something within the horseback riding met an elemental need in you. The work and sacrifice that others probably often said was excessive and burdensome - you saw as a thrill and delight and a challenge. Just as I"ve never found a solo boat "not worth paddling"....yet I've never found a team boat I was "delighted" to be in. I'm just "solo at heart" in lots of ways -and me being in codependently needy tandem alliance was literally killing me.

Someone else in this period of great personal expansion said "If you could see you as I see you. You have all these traits that you fear and loathe. You consider you stubborn, and obsessive, and a person who has pefected failure to an extreme degree. You lack goals, that's all it is. Yuo're so busy trying not to be who you are, that you can't understand how to apply the traits that make you who you are to be somenoe great adn accomplish great things, that would met your needs and change your life. I don't see you as being stubborn, and obsessive, and compulsive and extremist...I see you as a work in progress. I hope you find challenges and goals that you wish to achieve. Because if you do - what you'll find is that you succeed in half the time with twice the level of satisfaction nd success that most people do. And then others will stop thinnking of you in terms of your traits. They'll start viewing you in light of your successes. And waht you will know, is that the traits you once tried to eliminate, have brought you to where you now want to be and never thought possible. If you had goals, we'd consider you dedicated to excellence in th extreme and perfecting success as phenomenal rates."

DOORS BLEW OFF HINGES.....and there was light!

What most people have failed to grasp - is that I have never been "training to race" in that olympic style kayak. I have been out there falling in love and like with me, by learning who I am, and becoming who I want to be. I parented me in an environment that didn't allow my feelings to dictate my actions (unless I wanted to die) while acknowledging my fears, doubts, insecurities and anxieties and anger...just not acting on them.

That i have become a national champion, a world class kayaker, a public speaker, a motivational source...all that has simply been a result of a "choice"..that was followed by a great many decisions...with a "goal" that has never changed.

Choices are made in your heart....those choices can't be explained but you know instinctively that you mnust do or not do this, and your pursuit cannot be deterred. To pursue the options that will meet your core needs which is he choice of your heart - you'll be required to make decisions. Decisions are a product ofthe rational mind. They're not a result of your "feelings". In fact, you couldn't have feelings - if you didn't have thoughts! And decisions are what you must do based on the facts and the situations at hand...in light of your goals...which are determined by your needs and choices that you have to meet those needs in fundamental, elemental and existential facets of life.

The needs that were met with your horsemanship...wth your public speaking, with all the other things...what "needs" were those. I realize from your vantage point today - you're just going "i sacrificed everything and gave it all up and now I have obligations and requirements without appreciation." But the fact is, now matter how you feel about the fact, you cannot turn back time. Time stands still for no one. And time served is not necessarily time well spent.

Instead of sitting there from the position of "I have no options, no opportunities but plenty of obligations and no appreciation"......review from a more objective position. One that you CAN reach - because you wear your hearton your sleeve. You can in vivid recollection recreate the feelings and the situations - perhaps in exact detail - that you'd love to "relive". That is one of the downsides of being "emtoinallly riven and prioritizing" (aka - emotionally immature and sensitive).

That you can recreate those situations in your mind, and the feelings rise up as if it were now in full bloom and play again.

so back to those situations and moments....recreate the "good times" not with a sense of loss and longing becuase you have a focus on "what you haven't got" with as much intensity focused on "waht I used to have"....go back and with NO focus on "how things are now" - recreate those moments you'd love to recapture. The feelings, the whole scenario.

Look within that vacuum environment that is enhanced by your memory cache.....adn ask yourself "what needs was that meeting, what needs within me as a person alone did that fulfill?"

If in all those situations, or a great many of them...what you find is what you miss is the adoration, applause, approval, acceptance, you miss the accolades and affirmation of your "abilities and greatness" - realize that the need it was meeting was "your need for identity".

Self-confidence is what you have temporarily as a feeling of "self-like" - when other people admire, approve of, accept, applaud or affirmation "waht you're doing or offering" as being good and right and successful.

But that isn't self-esteem. Self-esteem is you knowing yourself very well, and always living within dn up to your standards and values. It's you living within your boundaries and not "giving to get"..It's the knowledge that you're not going to "let yourself down" even when you make a mistake or a mistep in life - because mistakes are inevitable - we're human.

If what you find is that primarily you have a self-esteem issue -the good news is - it doesn't take options or opportunities that you haven't got every day to earn that for yourself. But it is giong to require you to step up to the plate of adulthood, adn quit wearing your heart on your sleeve. It's going to require that you stop livign vicariously through the accomplishments of others because "that's all you've got as an option, and they're what you've put your heart and soul into".....and start taking responsibility for your perception of self and life -which is what is causing the feelings as situations arise.

It's you saying "I have to be me"...I WANT to be their mother, your wife, the daughter of the _________, Joe's sister, Ana's friend...but I HAVE to be me in order to be of any use or value to anybody except in terms of the temporary, external, superficial benefits, comforts, ease and security that my work, effort and sacrifice on their behalf provides.

And it requires you to stop looking around at othe rpeople going "waht do you think I should do" - doing waht they say to get the results THEY would want to get - and then resenting them for putting you on the wrong path while it benefitting them.

It requires you to look within...which doesn't require you to do anything called "leaving"....or "changing your situation".

A great piece of advice is given in every 12-step program....that is, when you are undergoing a values and perception of self and life change....do NOT leave your current job, spouse, children, or situation in general UNLESS THERE IS VIOLENCE AND ABUSE.

That's because "different/new" does not equal "improved or better". In a state of incompletion - you can't choose anything but "different" and quite often it isn't better.

In a state of completion - you can choose "better" by your own definitions.....and that'll make it "better" for you even if nobody else sees it as you do.

There are thingis that you can do where you are. There is a connection between mind/body/soul that CANNOT be dismissed or ignored.

Believe me...your perception is your reality and it's the position from which you deal.

I'll be the first to admit...I got amiracle. I asked for it - the first of many things in life I have actually asked for outright in 8 years of sobriety and self-actualization.....but i did get it.

I simply asked God "help me change my perception"...that changed my attitude, my focus, my goals, my options. I'm glad I didn't ask God to "please change my circumstances"!

On October 25th, 1996 - I had worked like i had every day for years. I worked for the now ex in construction - shoveling asphalt, driving trucks and loaders. I was disrespecting myself at home, being a subservient doormat..as well as being a drunk. I worked all day on that day - resenting him for "my life being this hard, this tough, this unfulfilling". I also woke up on 10-26-96 with he same perception and attitude.

However, on that day.....something happened......and the course of that situation DEMANDED that I do waht most people refuse to do.....STOP DOING WHAT I WAS DOING. If I didn't stop drinking ON that day - there wasn't going to be second chances or options or improvement in my life and there was certainly going to be consequences.

So, I quit, grudgingly. Actually,thinking I would quit forjust afew weeks, to get this situation to calm down and these people to back off.

However, a quick review on 10-27-96 told me that just a superficial and external and temporary change was NOT going to work. I didn't have options, i couldnt leave, I had no security or alliances or family, I had destroyed alot of people in my wake of destruction, and I was NOT going to just "get up and walk out of here in a huff of righteously entitled indignation."

That reality sunk in.....and I realized I couldn't "stay here and stay sober unless something changed." I went to work that morning at 5:30 driving trucks, shoveling aspphalt....and I noticed something. I wasn't "mad" about it! I was simply doing waht was right to do in light of the commitments I'd made...with the justification of "but I was a no-optioned drunk and didn't decide this from a position of rationality and reality based thinking."

My perception had altereded....alll this work, all this effort, all this sacrifice - it was an opprotunity to prove to ME how capable I was of living up to expectations (my own!) and living by values (my own) and living up to standards (my own!). It taught me how truly capable i was of having a great life - because I learned to trust, rely on, accept and approve of me as an individual over that two years.

I also started the solo kayaking....I started out to get his approval....I ended up getting my own accepted....and I've been around the world, and on podiums, and made speeches, and competed - all because the "goal" was self-actualization...and the choice was one of the heart...and so no work, or sacrifice or effort was "too much".....that has just resulted in becoming a really good athletee - as well as an outstanding person of character and merit.

I highly recommend you take up something that is for you, about you, dictated by you, and is determined by you as to its purpose, its goals and its requirements.....because you're likely to get into it with a full head of steam thinnking "I can do this - walk an hour a day - no big deal" - and 4 days into it with nobody giving you approval and applause or kudos for your efforts - you're walking along with a limp step going "this isn't worth it".

Adn there is the problem....everybody else was.....you weren't...that was your attitude, and you passed it on to everybody that you've dealt with in every regard. You do teach people how to treat you and what you're worth....they mirror to you - what you do regarding you.

If I can help, let me know.

http://www.hullspeed.net/journal/feature_story_v2_i3.html


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 1:17pm

erin - i must say that i have read your posts many many times over the past few years - especially the ones that talk about that "lightbulb moment" and i must say that you are really an amazing woman! there have been many times in the past year or so where i read one of your replies to another poster and thought "wow! that is so true, and so universal - it applies to me too!"


so - thank you. i know that some people can't deal with your non-sugar-coated replies - but i do know that sometimes its just what we need ;-)