I can't get him to help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
I can't get him to help
8
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 5:43pm

My husband and I both work full-time. He often tells people that I have the strongest work ethic he's ever seen. We just bought a great new house this year and I've been so excited. However, while he used to do "some" of the housework he has recently stopped helping out altogether (except for doing his own laundry which he knows he has to do). This would not have been in response to lack of sex or anything because I haven't stopped having sex with him (before or after he stopped with the housework). I've tried some ways of getting him to help, but to no avail. We have different standards for how clean the house should be, fine. But how can I get him to see that at least keeping the health department away is both of our responsibility?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 5:51pm

Questions:


Has he always been like this? Did you marry him knowing that you would be the housekeeper?


What motivates him to do his laundry?


What does he say when you cry about it and ak him to help?


'he has recently stopped helping out altogether '


Does this coincide with anything else in his life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 6:05pm

No - I thought he was pretty good about this actually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 7:25pm

Got it. And I used to watch Happy Days all the time when I was young ;)


'The only thing I can think of is that he's expecting that with the bigger more traditional house, and his being busier at work, suddenly I become Mrs. Cunningham'


So it sounds like you haven't really communicated about all of this and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 9:36am
With the new day, there is
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 10:18am

Passive aggressive behavior, which this is, is a form of aggression and abuse - even though it is passive and the anger and hurt that it generates is hard to put your finger on. This behavior is arising from anger within him, resentment, witholding. It is an expression of deeper upset with him. Sit down and have a good talk with him, (or see a marriage counselor). Find out what he's so resentful about. Find out how he truly feels in this marriage, what works for him and what does not. If there are some hidden issues, they can be addressed maturely. If he just wants to be a child, however, and to have you be his mom, to take advantage of your hard work ethic, that is another issue. He has to be made to realize that this behavior of his is not acceptable and also has consequences in the ways in which is affects you. Ultimately, you will have to decide if this is the kind of relationship you can thrive in, which brings out the best and feels fair and respectful. Get some help with this pattern, it is not as simple as it seems.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 11:12am
Thank you Dr. Shoshanna!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 12:02pm
Did you thank him and promise him a fun night tonight ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 12:42pm
He had a fun night last night, and I think that's why he was willing to do it this morning.