I can't get over him cheating on me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
I can't get over him cheating on me
9
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 2:07pm
My soul mate/boyfriend of 11 years cheated on me 2 months ago.I found out via mobile phone in a voice message that drums in my head every five minutes.After it all came out I walked away and left for my parents house.I was heart broken,soul destroyed and totaly out on a limb with nothing.I couldn't cry or feel anything but pain,hurt and anger.After a few days apart we talked and decided to make a nother go at it.We both didn't want to throw 11 years away fro 1 mistake.Sounded easy so we went for it with major ground rules.Now I am finding it very hard to forgive and forget.I thought after 2 months of pain it would ease, but it hasn't eased at all.I sit in day dreams with visions of what I think went on in this sordid affair and I can't get this out of my head.I have physically shook my head and shouted that is enough now no more torturing yourself.This doesn't work either.Has anyone been in this situation of so much pain.My life is in tatters.Please help me.

Thank you

Mel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 3:29pm

Hugs to you.

Avatar for jackieg32
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 3:35pm
I'm sorry to hear that he cheated on you.

About 5 years ago I was seeing a guy, fell hopelessly in love with him. One weekend he was supposed to pick me up to take me away ... he never turned up. By the Sunday night I was really starting to worry so I drove to his place. As I turned up, he was holding hands with another girl. She announced to me that they were getting married!! I was absolutely devastated .... for WEEKS!!! Now 5 years later, we have recently bumped into each other. His marriage didn't work out.

I know exactly how you feel ... I had that image in my head of him and her together that I couldn't shake. I constantly thought about it! But it does get easier. And you will never forget either.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:07pm
I think that you are looking for something to hold onto and trust that this won't happen again. What hits me is that you've been dating for 11 years. I'm not trying to push marriage down anyone's throat, but are you comfortable w/ a "just dating" relationship? I think you want fidelity and commitment, and he wants you around. I am sure that he doesn't want to be without you as he says, but maybe he should have to figure out whether or not he wants you exclusively in a way that is clear and public. You can't really be expected to believe that everything is fine if he just wants to go back to dating you as if nothing had happened.

You don't have to say "marry me or I'll leave." I would hope, for you, that you can find the strength to tell him "I am interested in a loving relationship with clear mutual commitment. I want to be a family with someone that I love, and I know that there is a person out there for me." Leave it at that, don't argue about the cheating (it will make it about YOU not being able to get over it, etc.). Don't say "do you think that you could give that to me someday" or give him another postponement "out" so that he can keep you while keeping his options open. I'm not saying that he is a bad person. No one wants to throw away 11 years. It is, however, better than throwing away 12 or 13 and letting the right person slip away.

If he really is serious about being with you and committing to not being with anyone else, he does know how to reach you and what to do/say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:46am
We do talk alot about marriage.We started to live together when we were 3months into the relationship.Marriage was always an issue but with arguments.My family doesn't get on with him especially now he cheated and his family never wants to know.We did have money problems which is probably no excuse but the way we live now is/was perfect and marriage was going to be a run away and do it.He wants all the trimmings and attension and I just didn't want that.He often says I will marry you tomoro put me to the test and book a day, but I just couldn't do it.Maybe it's me with commitment and not so much him.I get this question alot.I used to think maybe if we just done that step and got married then maybe this wouldn't happen but I know it would.Marriage scares me.There is alot to be thought of with a bit of paper.If we split we would have divorcew proceedings and it gets very messy.We have been trying for children for 10 years and going through the fertility clinic didn't help matters, we were seriously considering adoption but with what has happened I just couldn't cope with a child and then this.There is alot of issues in my realtionship and like most it was never the rosy little fairy tale everyone dreams of, but I was happy and I thought he loved me so much but now I have my doubts.Cheating was always my biggest fear and it happened.He said it was nothing I had done it was the fact someone had showed him attention and said all the right things when he was down.We did go through a rocky patch.The things that gets to me is the things he had said while cheating.I had never known such a loving man who promised me the world.He used to say funny things "I have my head sorted now and I really love you more than you could imagine" now I know they are words.He is fighting to keep this relationship and has wanted marriage the day we got back together but do I really want to jump into that after he has done this.I have a long trial of cheating and abusiveness in my old relationships and I hoped this would be the one that was different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:50am
If I was to leave this relationship, how the hell do I stop the hurt.

We had a raging row last night and things were said that really hurts.It started with him promising me we would spend all night rekindling our love and do things we used to, then out of the wood work he said I am going out down my friends I will be back at about 9.I was fuming so I told him just to go and enjoying himself and I would sit and play little house wife and rekindle our love by myself (was I so wrong in trying to make this work)after that he flared up.One of our agreements was that he would spend more time at home with me and the last 4 nights he hasn't been in and I lost it.He told me to go and we should never have tried again it was a waste of his time.I am just "ruining his life" according to him.After the argument he said "alot of things I didn't mean I realy love you, I wouldn't go through all this and put up with your moods if I didn't want to be with you" but now I feel the light shining through and unsure what to do or where to go.We did make up but now I have uncertanties about this relationship going any where.When I left before I couldn't deal with any thing.My heart was so broken.I understand I am going to hurt but how can I ease this hurt and pain.People said to me find someone I can date and it may ease but when you have just left a relationship how on earth are you supposed to feel confident about yourself.Family told me I should go for a girly night out but even that churned my stomache of the thought of being around lots of people.

I am so messed up.I don't know whether I am coming or going.He did say he was sorry for everything that has happened and he promised he would fight to make this relationship work.I would love nothing more than to go back about a year ago when we were so in love and nothing or nobody could get in between us.I don't think this is going to happen.I am sick and tired of being miserable and hurting.I am sick and tired of having my self confidence knocked so far into the ground I feel worthless to anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:44am
ironlady003...

Pianoguy was gonna leave your post alone except for one sentence you used:

"I AM SICK OF BEING TIRED AND MISERABLE AND HURTING!"

If you HONESTLY believe this...make the break from this man PERMANENTLY! Don't start thinking about substitutes (male or female)! You need to try and heal.

During a 'verbal spat'---a couple will often reveal their frustrations and how they REALLY FEEL! Two hours later, both sides want to take back the words. But the damage has already been done!

I realize you're hurting very badly so I'm gonna send you a few hugs! Try to keep one thing in mind...YOU AREN'T WORTHLESS just because one relationship fell apart.

Many relationships AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LAST FOREVER!

Pianoguy (who wishes he could play you a 'happy tune' today)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:19pm

<<<I have a long trial of cheating and abusiveness in my old relationships and I hoped this would be the one that was different>>>


honey. i am sorry that he cheated on you, and i am sorry that this seems to be a pattern with you. i hate to say this to you - because i know how hard it was for ME to accept this when it was said to me - but your problem is NOT that he cheated on

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:08pm
Thank you all for being so supportive.I think I was blowing off alot of steam this morning, but one thing that crops up in every posting is I need counseling and do you know what I DO.I need to find myself and learn to be strong and find who I really am.I have never been on my own and never once thought I would live on my own but maybe if I got the counselling I would get the strength from myself.

Thank You all and best wishes to all those who are hurting I understand your feelings and by god I know I won't get hurt again.

Love and hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:35pm
I saw your post on a different board and this was my reply:

I have been there before, I feel for you. Its a really hard situation to be in and get out of. I do recommend couples counseling, it helps alot! You need to know why, how could you, what were you thinking, was it better, did you enjoy it? all those things went thru my mind but mostly I pictured them in the act, which was horrifying. I couldn't bring myself to make love to him for months after that cause thats all I could think about was them in the act. For me and my bf, we went to counseling. What our counselor said that all my thoughts were justified and all my questions needed to be answered by him before I could move on. It took a very long time of healing and Joe did a great job at helping me thru. I would sit and talk about it anytime I wanted and he sat thru it, listened and talked about it with me. I would yell at him to get the anger out, he sat thru it and calmed me down, he was there to answer ANY and I mean ANY question I needed answered. If your bf is willing to own up to his screw up and help you thru by doing all that, you may have a chance. Keep in mind if he gets defensive when asked about it, that comes from his guilt and he also needs to work thru that before your relationship can move forward. You will drive yourself insane with those thoughts if you don't get help because I'll tell you they don't go away. Is he willing to go to counseling with you? If he's not I would let him go and get help on your own so you don't carry the baggage into the next relationship you have.

You never said what his actions are like towards you and the relationship.

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru, its so tough. Keep us posted!!!

Pam

Now from reading the others posts you have, my concern is that he is not taking any responsibility for his screw up, if anything he is causing you more pain. He did this not you, just because someone showed him the "right moves when he was down" does not justify his actions nor can he justify his actions or words now. You are ruining his life? What kind of a guilt trip is he trying to put on you? You have the feelings you have because of what he did. How can you build up trust when he's "going out with the guys"? If Joe would have done that I would have walked in a heart beat even though I aslo was in so much pain I couldn't function. Yes, 11 yrs is a long time and hard to walk away from but hun are you going to let him bring you down even more than you are now? You get help on your own to sort out your feelings. Don't get into anything until you get over him. It will be hard and there is no quick way to ease the pain I'm very sorry to tell you, you just have to deal with it day by day. A therapist though will help you thru it and give you good techniques to use. I wish you all the best and send hugs for you!!!!!(((((()))))

Pam