I can't keep doing this
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I can't keep doing this
| Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:05pm |
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and on our first year anniversary he proposed to me and i accepted. I'm fearing now that it was a mistak and a lapse in judgement on my part. I moved in with him about 4 months after we started dating and about a month after that we started arguing. We have at least one minor argument a week and at least one major one a month, but tonight i went beyond arguin and i slapped him accross the face and he pinned me down and he punched me twice on the head and then started shaking me and yelling at me and he wouldnt let me up untill i threatened to leave him. This is the first time this has happened and i triggered the physical violence myself. but i just don't know what to to any more. I've always tol dmyself i would forgive him for anything he did as long as he didn't cheat on me, but its getting too hard to do that when he wont learn from his mistakes. I cook and clean and do everything around this place and i have to work to be able to pay rent while he lays around the house doing nothing while his parent pay for his part of the rent, and then he complaines when i'm too tired one night o make dinner, or when i don't want to have sex. I truly love him and i don't want to leave him, but i need to figure something out.

Hi kaldaka and welcome to the board.
Seriously, when physical violence is involved, you need to leave NOW.
It concerns me that you say no one was hurt "all that much." What if this were your daughter, and she weren't hurt "all that much," even if she instigated it? I'm not saying that you were right to start a physical fight, but a man NEVER should hurt a woman. What both of you did probably was illegal. Physical violence is never the answer.
If you want to work it out with him, then I think you need to figure out why this happened and what you both have to do so that it doesn't happen again and do it. You both have to be really willing to change or this will continue to happen and get worse. But you mentioned other problems -- you argue a lot, and it sounds like he's lacking in a lot of respect for you. I know you love him, but I would ask yourself, do you love him, or are you comfortable with him? Often it's the fear of being alone that makes us stay, and being alone for a while really isn't that bad. Can you live with the fear that he will do this again? What if you had children -- would it be acceptable for him to beat you in front of them, or for him to beat them?
I would see if you have some free domestic violence support or anger management workshops where you live. It sounds like you could both benefit from learning more about good communication skills and how to prevent this from happening. Nothing is worth taking chances on your safety and well-being.
Do you have a daughter? If so do you want to wait to find out when he will hit her. What about when you two get married- do you want to live your life worrying about physical abuse to you or your children?
Did you ever deal with the abuse of your sistere in therapy?
(((Hugs Kaldaka))), while we are very happy that you have come here seeking support from this great community and their expert, it is very important that you seek help and support in real life.
It sounds as if you could be in a very dangerous situation, at the least potentionally very dangerous.