I can't keep doing this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
I can't keep doing this
10
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:05pm
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and on our first year anniversary he proposed to me and i accepted. I'm fearing now that it was a mistak and a lapse in judgement on my part. I moved in with him about 4 months after we started dating and about a month after that we started arguing. We have at least one minor argument a week and at least one major one a month, but tonight i went beyond arguin and i slapped him accross the face and he pinned me down and he punched me twice on the head and then started shaking me and yelling at me and he wouldnt let me up untill i threatened to leave him. This is the first time this has happened and i triggered the physical violence myself. but i just don't know what to to any more. I've always tol dmyself i would forgive him for anything he did as long as he didn't cheat on me, but its getting too hard to do that when he wont learn from his mistakes. I cook and clean and do everything around this place and i have to work to be able to pay rent while he lays around the house doing nothing while his parent pay for his part of the rent, and then he complaines when i'm too tired one night o make dinner, or when i don't want to have sex. I truly love him and i don't want to leave him, but i need to figure something out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:13pm

Hi kaldaka and welcome to the board.


Seriously, when physical violence is involved, you need to leave NOW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:20pm
I don't want to leave though. I want to work it out with him. Neither of us was hurt all that much pysically, and he never would have hit me if i hadn't done it in the first place, and I'm positive of that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:33pm
Kaldaka - it doesn't matter if it was provoked or non-provoked, what matters is safety.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:35pm

It concerns me that you say no one was hurt "all that much." What if this were your daughter, and she weren't hurt "all that much," even if she instigated it? I'm not saying that you were right to start a physical fight, but a man NEVER should hurt a woman. What both of you did probably was illegal. Physical violence is never the answer.

If you want to work it out with him, then I think you need to figure out why this happened and what you both have to do so that it doesn't happen again and do it. You both have to be really willing to change or this will continue to happen and get worse. But you mentioned other problems -- you argue a lot, and it sounds like he's lacking in a lot of respect for you. I know you love him, but I would ask yourself, do you love him, or are you comfortable with him? Often it's the fear of being alone that makes us stay, and being alone for a while really isn't that bad. Can you live with the fear that he will do this again? What if you had children -- would it be acceptable for him to beat you in front of them, or for him to beat them?

I would see if you have some free domestic violence support or anger management workshops where you live. It sounds like you could both benefit from learning more about good communication skills and how to prevent this from happening. Nothing is worth taking chances on your safety and well-being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:51pm
i said "hurt all that much" because i was raised with an abusive sister and he was raised with an abusive brother and my mother always said "it's a long way from your heart you'll live" and i agree with that in a physical sense of the phrase. It still hurt emotionally quite a bit. and as for if it were my daughter getting abuse by him i would leave him immidiately and i told him as much before we started dating. And before you go saying theres no diference between him beating me and my child there is.. I have a choice of weather or not to stay, and children are aught to obey their elders, not to mention a child wouldnt be able to defend his or herself
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:53pm
I don't know what IMO means.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 6:55pm
IMO = in my opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 7:30pm

Do you have a daughter? If so do you want to wait to find out when he will hit her. What about when you two get married- do you want to live your life worrying about physical abuse to you or your children?

Did you ever deal with the abuse of your sistere in therapy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:44am
I really think that both of them may be very sorry for hitting each other. The point now is that they have crossed that bridge so the next time they argue it won't be as hard for them to begin hitting each other again. Domestic Abuse is a process. It begins with a push and ends in a death. Stop making excuses and don't be so defensive. You asked for this help and advice. Sometimes the truth hurts. I was in your shoes before and it began with a grab, then a push, then a slap, then a punch, then a beating before I left. Even after leaving I was stalked and threatened. I was pulled up in a public place with a gun to my head and nobody would help and nobody cooperated with police to do anything about it so it was my word against his. It came to the point that when we finally crossed paths He drew his weapon and I drew mine. It was a very intense situation. The only thing that saved both of us was that we had children in our lives that depended on us and someone talked us down. You don't want that type of life or death situation to cross your path because you may not be so lucky like some of my old friends. They are either in jail or dead today because of it. Please rethink what you have said and if you choose to continue in your relationship please seek counseling. If it is just to discuss what has already occured is a plus. At least you both will have insight on the personal triggers that you have to watch out for to avoid this situation in the future. Please take my advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 11:00am

(((Hugs Kaldaka))), while we are very happy that you have come here seeking support from this great community and their expert, it is very important that you seek help and support in real life.


It sounds as if you could be in a very dangerous situation, at the least potentionally very dangerous.

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