I can't re-establish trust...
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| Mon, 09-06-2004 - 9:39pm |
The last few days have been difficult. I have been extremely blunt and honest with him about my feelings the last few months. Some days we argue then talk, some days we talk and don't argue at all--but, the part I am realizing is that I initiate all of the conversations. It seems as though I am doing the work for the both of us. I'm sure this is a learned behavior in him due to my need for control; however, I have been working on leaving plenty of room for open dialog. For the most part, I really don't see any progress in our relationship--I see progress in me, though...not too sure if any progress is there on his end. I am beginning to realize that maybe we are not right for each other. As much as I love him, there is so much emotional damage on both ends, that I wonder if the fight is really worth the love that I feel for him.
I need advice: I told him that it hurts me when he passes one of the "other women's" houses and looks to see if she is home. He practically breaks his neck to look for her car. I expressed that his action shows that she is important to him, even though his words are telling me that she doesn't mean anything to him. I told him that I understand his temptation on the Internet (porn) and every time he is on the computer when I am not in the room wells up feelings of betrayal and deceit. I asked him not to do it.
I finally stopped talking to him two days ago when he looked for her car - I didn't say a word and has been on the Internet for the last 2 days regardless if I am in the room with him or not. He has a tendency of manipulating conversation so that I feel guilty for my own feelings. I just don't know what to do? I don't want to sit in this room while he is in the other room feeling the way I feel. I know he feels guilt for what he is doing...I feel it when I walk by him; the way he looks at me - the fact that he got up and washed the dishes today - he never does that. The only time he does anything around the house is when he is feeling guilty for something he is doing.
I want to approach him tonight, and don't know how to talk to him with the "I" attitude rather than pointing my finger at him saying "You". My emotions tend to lead my conversation - irrational thought takes over and out it comes in conversation.
HELP, PLEASE.

i'm sorry - your husband has had TWO long-term love affairs with other women - and YOU are feeling guilty? your husband is the one who was wrong - and whether you are or are not a controlling person is so NOT the issue. (this is not to say that its ok to be controlling...)
You two - as a couple - need help. YOU need to be able to say what you are feeling without him pulling passive-agressive stunts. HE has to make amends, HE is the one who has to rebuild the relationship if that is what you BOTH want.
its also important to remember that therapy takes time, and that things get worse before they get better. because when you start therapy, you start scratching away at layers and layers of emotions, and you start to get deep into the nitty-gritty emotions, and in a situation where your husband cheated on you - you are going to be feeling anger and frustration ...
If you are going to keep this marriage alive- you are BOTH going to have to do the work and you are BOTH going to have to learn to be open, and honest, and to compromise. and, as always, its possible that too much damage has been done already. but honestly - if your husband is NOT making efforts, if he is continuing to look for he OW - then i don't see the point.
Reading material to consider:
Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
-- Janis Abrahms
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris
Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore
http://www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm
www.marriagebuilders.com
Carrie