I can't stop complaining!!...PLEASE HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
I can't stop complaining!!...PLEASE HELP
4
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:14pm
Hi,

I just don't know what to do with myself. I've always been a rather negative person and I tend to complain a lot or see the down side to things (not entirely, but VERY OFTEN) and I think it's really starting to take it's toll on my marriage. Now, of course I was like this BEFORE we got married, but I swear I'm getting worse even though I'm trying to STOP the complaining. I'm always chastising my husband for any little thing he doesn't do exactly "right" (which I KNOW my way isn't the ONLY way, but I still complain)and it's just building up every day until it erupts into a really bad argument in which he becomes VERY loud and a lot of times verbally abusive. I can't take it much longer, but I know I really DO have some blame in these huge, yet POINTLESS arguments, because as soon as one of those stupid little complaints leaves my lips, I regret it, and think to myself that if my husband told me all this stuff that wasn't done "right" all the time and was constantly chastising ME, I never would have married him or I'd be going crazy right now. I NEED HELP!!!!!! Sometimes I catch myself, but just trying to monitor what I say as I say it is NOT really helping. I know I just tick him off every time I complain about his clothes here or a dish there (while MY clothes may not be on the floor like HIS, but good luck finding our bathroom counter under them....but then I always justify this to myself because I'M the one who does the dishes and laundry around here). But that shouldn't matter. What's wrong with me? And what can I do to fix it before our marriage can't take it anymore? PLEASE GIVE ME ANY ADVICE POSSIBLE!!!!!!!

Thanx,

CBB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:33pm
Live up at ALL times in ALL situations with no justifications or rationalizations the standards that you expect him to adhere to.

You'll stop complaining at him......and you'll either leave him because he really now doesn't "share" your standards....or else you'll realize that he always did meet your standards and you were just mad because you didn't perceive how much responsibility, authority, control and power you have in your own life.

A relationship won't make you what you're not...if you're a negative person...you will be in a relationship.

My world rocked one day when a friend of mine, when I had warned or upbraided him for probably the 1000th time in 6 months said "Are you stupid? I am NOT motivated by fear or punishment, I'm motivated by reward. Quit telling me waht to do or what not to do or else some tragedy will result. Tell me precisely what you expect would be the result of me doing what you want me to do - and if it's a good result by my definitions, I'll probably do what you're suggesting without thinking twice. Otherwise, shut up."

His statement and my pursuant work on mysel f- stopped me from being a negative person motivated by fear and consequence...and started having me thinking of life as achallenge not a threat - and I've been successfully in pursuit of successes ever since.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:00pm
Being aware is half the battle. May I ask how old you are? Do you think you are a prefectionist?

Since you think you need help, then seek a counselor to help you sort through what you are feeling and why. Something I read a long time ago, try recording yourself. Carry a tape recorder with you, tape every thing you say, so you can hear how you sound.

Work out a 'catch phrase' with your husband, so when you start with the negativity, he can make a joke out of it with the catch phrase.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 6:09pm
There is a book that was written just for you. Its "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Schlessinger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 7:14pm
I'm 21 (22 in August) and my H just turned 29 in February. And YES, when I do projects and stuff, I am SUCH a perfectionist!!!!...I just can't help it....