I can't stop thinking about him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
I can't stop thinking about him
1
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 3:45pm
If you have kept up with my dysfunctional relationship postings, you will be happy to hear that we have decided to break up. New Years Eve was the last time we saw each other. My bf called about a week ago because he had gotten into an argument with his ex-wife regarding their children and he needed someone to talk to. The deal breaker for us was the fact that he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't go to the bar anymore. I really don't want him to make that committment. I just wanted him to promise that he wouldn't go and get completely drunk and he couldn't do that. He said I'm not going to promise you that, If my friend comes into town and I want to go have a beer with him, I am going to. Anyway, he thinks it's me just wanting to control his every move and I say it's that I don't want a relationship with him if he is going to go out and drink. I want a Christian based relationship with him, someday marry him, but we don't have this anymore. I keep hoping he is going to call me and say I have changed, I want this relationship. But it hasn't happened yet, and maybe for the best. It's just hard to go on, even though in the long run it is probably best for me and my children. So hard to find true love today and I have managed to mess up my past two marriages. I get the feelings of hopelessness and sadness. I just wanted this to work out between us. I can't stop thinking about him. I was hoping he was just sitting home thinking about what he has lost, but I know he has gone to the bar since our breakup. Am I controlling? I don't think I know how to have a trusting healthy relationship. Please offer some thoughts. I do pray and I try to keep busy with my children and exercising and working too. Thanks for your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 4:04pm
Since I don't know you or what happened to ruin your last 2 marriages and this relationship I can't tell you if you're controlling. But, I can tell you that your wish to have a sober partner is a legitimate one. Don't compromise on things that you know you want, need or prioritize. And if your partner doesn't feel the same then you and he are just not a right fit, so you did the right thing in moving on. It's natural to miss him and hope he someday realizes what he has lost, changes and comes back to you. However, that's not reality, it's fantasy and you need to acknowledge it as such. The likelihood of it happening are very small indeed. Now that it's over, you need to mourn it, learn from it, set it aside as past baggage and leave it behind you, then move on and look ahead to your future with hope. What he learns from it or feels is not your concern at this point. Don't dwell on it. Focus on yourself and your children and get yourself healthy if you don't feel that you are. You are right in wondering if that is why your past relationships have not been healthy -- only healthy individuals form healthy relationships. I suggest lots of reading: Phil McGraw and Richard Carlson are only 2 of many authors currently out there with ways to get yourself to emotional health. Instead of sitting around thinking about the past or "what if", spend your freetime in bookstores or libraries, working on your new path to healthiness. Best of luck to you.