i caught him in a XXX lie...what now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
i caught him in a XXX lie...what now?
3
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:01pm
i dont know how to even say this. i woke up in the middle of the night and he wasnt in bed next to me. i come down to the den and he's on the computer. i asked him what hes doing and he tries to lie. we fight. he admits he was looking at porno movies online, and that he had been doing that a lot lately. every night that i'm working late, and sometimes when i'm here. what does this mean? i know i feel hurt and ashamed. i feel like i'm not good enough for him. i get this panicky feeling when i think about it. he seems SO sorry, but what do i do? is it unrealistic to hate him for this? we've been together for five years, and we got engaged last week. the timing couldn't be worse, i'm stressed out about my job and maybe making too much out of this. i know i'm a prude, but doesn't it come down to looking at other women? my boyfriend is not the most handsome of men and i feel like he does this instead of cheating on me maybe because he cant find a girl any other way. what do i do now???
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:49am
I have read lots of threads about porn on these message boards. Most of the women say that porn is no big deal as long as he is still having sex with you, and it doesn't interfere with his work/life.

Most men look at porn, even if they are getting sex. It is up to you if you agree with it. Some women think porn is wrong for religious or moral reasons, or they think it degrades women and they would consider it cheating if their man was looking at it.

Other women (the majority it seems) don't mind porn, don't consider it cheating, and will even watch porn sometimes with their men.

You have to decide which type of women you are.

This is something you def. want to discuss Before you get married. Let him know how you feel either way about porn.

But keep in mind -- it seems a lot of the men once told by their women that they don't like the porn, the men just hide it better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:51pm
I know you you feel - i was in a very similar situation a couple of weeks ago and posted messages all over these boards! I got some really good advice - check out what pianoguy et all had to say in the "Ask Mr. Answer Man" board.

I also felt inadequate by the discovery, but have since gotten over that. Not that I'm happy that my BF still looks at porn, but I don't want him to be ashamed of what he does - goodness knows I do enough things that I could be ashamed of, but he accepts me as I am, warts and all.

It still all comes down to what the previous poster had said - are you willing to give up the man because you cannot accept the fact that he looks at porn? If not, then maybe you can use this as a way to open new lines of communication between the two of you - find out if this is something new and, if so, why? Maybe he's been wanting to try something new with you, but thought you would be upset/reject him or whatever. I've also done some "research" (grin!) on these boards and the cosmo boards to see how I can maybe spice things up a little without going TOO far out of my comfort zone. Needless to say, my BF has abolutely LOVED that!

Whatever you decide, you have to be able to be comfortable in your own skin, and accept him as he is - he will not change, but may just learn to hide it better, and that is never a good thing!

good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:09pm
I also just came across this COSMO article:

http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/men/menu/articles/0,,166984_285729,00.html

maybe you'll find it helpful, too!

good luck!