I cheated, how do I win him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
I cheated, how do I win him back?
6
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:07pm

In the first two months of my relationship with my guy, I cheated on him with two different people, a total of three times. I was confused and although it was a bad idea, I knew it was a huge mistake. Afterwards, I vowed to never be unfaithful again, and I wasn't and I don't plan on it.

A few months after the incidents, he found out about one of the guys. It was a really rough patch for us, but we got through it. He continually confronted me about others, but I was way too scared of hurting him again and hurting our already broken relationship.

Another few months later he found out about the second.

From that point, he called it quits saying we needed a "serious break". I am broken over the situation and a complete wreck because I know he is The One and I know that I will never do it again, and I didn't in the last 5 months of our relationship.

What do I do to win him back?

Please Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:37am
You can't do anything. If he wants to persue you again, he will. I wouldn't expect him to, once is one thing but twice is much more than most people can bear, especially when so little time or emotional investment has occured. If something like that happened to me, I'd never give her the time of day again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 11:29am

You don't.

Actions have consequences. Obviously he didn't mean as much to you when you had him, given that you cheated with two different guys. Frankly, if I were him, I wouldn't come back either.

Move on, and learn from your experiences

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 11:46am
I am well aware that what I did was wrong and that truly I probably don't deserve him. But this is coming from a person that every relationship I've had I've been cheated on and I didn't know that he would be different than any other guy I've been with. Turns out I was wrong, and when I realized it was too late and the damage was done. But this isn't something I want to just move on from, I'm trying to work on it, which is why I asked for help in the first place.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 4:33pm

You not only cheating on him, you lied to him when you had the chance to come clean. There's no way I would forgive that if I were him. Trust is too important to a relationship and the fact that you would throw it away by not only cheating but by lying about how often would be enough for me to say, that's it, I'm done.

So if that's where he is, there's nothing you can do to change that. IF he decides to give you another chance (and that's a big "if" and something only he can decide), then you will have to show him over time that you are 100% truthful but trust once lost is SO hard to build. One teeny white lie (to you) and it will all be lost again.

One thing that would go a long way towards making me possibly consider giving someone another chance would be if the person went to counseling to figure out why they thought cheating and lying was acceptable in the first place, and to change the values and morals that allowed them to cheat and lie. I think whether or not you get back together with this man, going to counseling for that reason would be a good idea so you don't repeat this experience.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 5:06pm

You need to be realistic.

Put yourself in his position - What if:

HE cheated on you, not once but twice.

HE lied to you about it, not once but twice.

And his excuse is that other girls he dated had cheated on him...

Would YOU take HIM back?

Face it - you blew it. Not a condemnation, just a statement of fact. All you can do is learn from the experience for next time. There is NOTHING you can do to get him back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 6:13pm
I agree. He's got a good head on his shoulders, and he recognizes when to walk away. You cheated because people cheated on you, and you thought this one would do the same, so you did it first? Then you lied about it when he was willing to give you another shot? You've shown him who you are twice now, and he's done. He isn't THE ONE. He may have been, but now he's THE ONE who you threw away. Learn well from this, and when the next ONE comes along, you won't act the same way. And don't you accept it from anyone else, either. Not all men cheat. There are many who are honorable and decent and aren't like that. Look for those men. Have you learned anything from your past relationships? Why you are attracted to men with so little integrity? Spend some time on introspection here. I think it's a copout to say you did it because you thought he was going to do it to you anyway.
Give this guy some time and space. Maybe down the line, after you've done some work on yourself, he would be willing to listen to why you won't do the same thing to him again for some other lame excuse. Right now, I agree that there really isn't anything you can do.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7