i cheated once, broke up 2nd time,sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
i cheated once, broke up 2nd time,sad
1
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:07am
I've been with a really good guy for 10 months. After reading all these posts, i'm really thinking back and seeing how much of a good boyfriend he is.. we just broke up 3 days ago. I'm 20, he's 26. We really get along well.. never fight..2 good people. (please bear with the length of this!!)

It's my fault. We had a bit of a rough time where my bf was doing a lot of work for graduating design school (portfolio) (we are in the same field) and he was working so much he almost went crazy and really changed for a bit. I was there with him.. supporting him and waiting for him to get back to normal. i started getting a bit turned off. after about 2 months of this,right at the same time my bf finally graduated and free from the stress, I met a guy in my volleyball league who i ended up cheating with one night. i did it. I was completely confused! A week later,my bf already felt something was wrong.. im bad at hiding things. He asked, i confessed. I screwed up..

Well, luckily we got back together the day after he found out, and decided to give it a try even though we knew it would be tough after the cheating. He really took it well. He didnt talk about it, but sometimes would say something. He'd then apologize, but I would tell him not to. I went away a WEEK later for a month to travel. He wrote me wonderful love you, miss you emails.. but i guess I just dont feel the same as him. I dont think I'm in love with him (even though I was at the begining then it faded), but i really appreciate and care for him. Now especially i see that he really is a good guy and maybe i shouldn't have let me go. Maybe I could have worked some more on our problems? (i was just waiting things out.no more patience?)

He really cares about me, I know that. He loves me, I know that. I'm not sure what the hell i want, im still 20. I think maybe im just not ready to settle down to such a relationship.. even though now I dont want to let him go. Anyway, i came back only a few weeks ago, lately started wondering if i should be with him, again, that there maybe someone better. (because the spark wasnt really there anymore).

Actualy things got really nice last week.. there were times where i really enjoyed myself. So things were getting better.. then i saw the volleyball guy again. (Tuesday) and I couldn't get him off my mind the next day. Slept over my bf's house that same night as thinking about this other guy. I even had a dream where the two met and i was sweating in my sleep and my bf noticed! My bf didn't mind so much if I saw this vball guy again.. he didn't want to go anywhere where he was which is understandable.

THE BREAK UP 3 DAYS AGO:

the next day, My bf was on his way to my apartment to have the whole weekend together when he called.. and just before he got on the subway, i had to tell him about a party that night, where the vball guy would be. (I was thinking about the whole situtation all day!) I wanted to go because I've seen my bf alot in the week, where we just enjoyed our company. I wanted to party! It's my stupid age instinct, which hasnt happened with my bf until lately again.

so after i told him this, he said that "its weird.. its been weird with us." because I have been seeming uninteresed in him. (even before i saw the volleyball guy). and I have kinda been. But maybe i just wasnt seeing the good things of my bf anymore.. there is alot of good in him now im thinking.. I've taken advantage? WELL we ended up breaking up over the phone!!! Mutually, more my decision. Crap. I really screwed everything up i think. It happend so fast. He only gave me the option of breaking up and then never getting back together again. i was so confuseD! He said hes going to disapear for a few months from me.. told me that i please not call him or write him. I'm realy sad now.. beacuse of the comfort attachment, because i feel we ended too soon? Things were only getting better again. I really messed up.

Especially that i cheated, theres no way of getting back with him right???? I think i want him back, but it might be too late.

im sorry this is so long. Im so confused!!! do i need alone time? or how i could i get him back?!after some time?

Maria

ps. i still have to pick up my stuff, but like he said "be real quick" (the break was all talking nicely, NO FIGHT!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:34pm
What you are feeling is normal... you are right you are young and it's easy to say you need time to mature and experience the world, so it's best that you did break up. You still have to grieve for the end of the relationship, for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.....

Thinking material: (From my friend Satia)

Even someone who has love, who is in a solid relationship which has been fulfilling, may find themselves longing for the romance of the first flush of being in love. The first kiss. The first touch. The first sexual encounter. These intense feelings which cause the palms to sweat, the butterflies in the stomach to flutter, etc. All of this that we call "being in love."

Which is how a married woman who has never thought of cheating can easily find her hands trembling as she tries to type a message to the stranger in her email who is "just a friend." Or she may seek excuses to see the handsome coworker who is flirting with her and complimenting her outfit, which her husband hasn't even noticed is new nor any new outfit in years.

It is that feeling, that transient emotion, which we seek because we confuse this with love . . .

Real love is work. Sweaty and not pretty. It is sitting by a person's bedside in a hospital and wiping their nose when they are weeping hysterically with grief. It is moving above and beyond the flutters and blushes and into a comfort zone in which even those who are most in love occasionally will take one another for granted. It means giving 100% of yourself to a relationship you sometimes question, doubt, and even resent. But you still love through those times until . . .

one day you turn to this person you have loved for years and your stomach flutters, your palms sweat, and you blush at the very thought of his kiss on your lips.

The problem isn't being in love with love . . . the problem is thinking that the feeling is love.


Carrie