I could really use some help
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| Thu, 04-12-2007 - 8:50pm |
I've been with Alexander for about a year. We match perfectly.
Recently, however, we've been having a few issues - and I don't really know what to do.
Alexander has two degrees. He is a brilliant, intelligent man. But he works in a restaurant waiting tables. He is having an exceedingly difficult time finding a job. This is not exactly... helping our relationship. He has to work every night, and has lost passion for pretty much everything in his life that doesn't have to do with finding employment - namely, me.
It's been like this since about November.
We never have sex, he's unaffectionate, and i feel like we never have time to ourselves - he feels like that time could be better spent trying to find a job. He often turns very cold when I try to be affectionate... he seems almost mean spirited sometimes As selfish as I feel, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I love him so much... but I can't STAND feeling as neglected as I do. I try so hard to help him... but this isn't really an issue that I can be a great deal of help to. It gets to the point where I feel bitter, and end up snapping and being mean to him... which makes me feel even worse because I know it's just making him even more frustrated.
I don't know how to break this cycle... I just want him to understand that this isn't easy for me either. Am I just being selfish? How can I get myself over this, if that is the case?
I tell myself time and time again that this is just a hump that we have to get over... and that everything will be fine once he finds something... but this doesn't help me sleep at night. Thinking that isn't really as comforting as being held before I go to sleep or kissed when he gets home.
I'm just so frustrated. Any ideas? I would really appreciate it.

Hi lillyoleander and welcome,
Let me first say that you are NOT being selfish. If you feel neglected because he is stressed out, and it is affecting how you interact with each other (especially if it involves a lack of affection and intimacy), then of course it's going to wear on you. Have you spoken openly with him about what he does that makes you feel neglected, and how important it is that you continue to spend time together to help RELIEVE his stress? Its amazing what some great sex can do for the tense mind! If you've talked to him and he doesn't seem to be listening, perhaps he doesn't understand that it is really wearing on the relationship. I can understand why he is stressed out, but he is pushing you away.
Do you think he might be open to you helping him look for something good in the job market? Some guys (like my very intelligent, Berkeley-going boyfriend) still have no idea where to look for jobs -- there are so many other ways to find good ones than just trolling craigslist or circling want ads. Maybe if you told him you'd be happy to work together, take some of the pressure off of him, it would give you two some time to spend together AND relieve some of his stress.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, I can imagine its quite painful. Good luck, and please keep us posted!
If you really love this guy, and you want to make it work, then there are a few things about men that you need to know. Men are hardest hit when it comes to not being able to find a job. It hurts their ego greatly, and many men tend to withdraw from their relationships at this time - but it really doesn't mean that he loves you any less. In fact, he may be so focused on his career because he is afraid that he will lose you. One of the things that has worked in my marriage (and believe me I have been there in your shoes, and I know how difficult and frustrating it is!) is to tell him how much I admire his strong work ethic. I know many women who would be jealous that you have a man who is working at a job that he is overqualified for in order to make the ends meet. I would look at this as one of his strengths because if he was to lose his job in the future you know he is willing to do whatever it takes to provide for you. One thing that men love to hear is that you are willing to stand by their side no matter what the future holds. Tell him that you know that things are tough right now, and you hope that things will get better for him soon, but that you love him and will be there for him whether or not they do. Now I realize that this is not what you are hopeing for, but it will go a long way in boosting his self-confidence. Which may give him a boost to go and find the right job.
As to the other post, I think that helping him find a job is a great idea, but I would caution you that you don't come accross as condensending when you talk about. If you can figure out a way to make him think that he came up with the idea himself (this sounds silly, but it has worked well for me), it will hurt his ego less. Otherwise, he might get the impression that you don't think that he is capable of looking for a job. Remember that he his hurting ( and is probably thinking less of himself), and we all are less likely to look outside ourselves during these times. When I've gone through this with my husband I gave him the encouragement that I could, and tried not to take his lack of affection personally (which is hard I admit). I think in the end it brought the two of us closer together, because he knew that he could count on me during the hard times. Sometimes we have to put our needs second to the one we love, so we can in turn have our needs meet on a greater level later.
Anyways, I hope that helps, and I wish you the best!
Jennifer
You say you've been with him a year, and all the troubles started about six months ago. What it sounds like to me is more that you started seeing the real him at that time. It's normal for people to be on their best behavior when a relationship is new, and then after a time the mask slips and you see them for what they really are.
Maybe he's just depressed, and if that's the case, then he needs to get help for that. If this is just how he really is though, then there's not a cure if he's simply not normally an affectionate person at all. You're not selfish to be frustrated that your needs are going unmet. You ultimately need to figure out if this is something you can handle or not, and there's nothing wrong with walking away if the situation is intolerable for you.