I could use ANY advice here (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
I could use ANY advice here (m)
4
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 5:30pm
Hi there

I'm hoping you can give me some advice on what to do with this little situation I'm being presented with.

I'm 25 years old, have a great, promising career, and I've decided to go back to school part time to get a degree which will better me in my career in the future. It's going to take me awhile to finish, because I'm only doing it part time, but I only take like one class at a time. No rush, I figure when I finish I'll have tons of valuable work experience to go along with my degree. I'll admit, I've wanted to quit school a million times already, but I've come to a conclusion that I need support from family and friends to keep going. Some days I hate it and wonder why I'm doing it, other days I'm so proud of myself for doing it.

Anyways, I've been seeing this guy for seven months now. At first, and up until a little while ago, he supported me 110% with school and career. He thought it was amazing how I was going back to school, how I had a really good career, and there weren't too many girls my age that could say they have what I have. He never ever made an issue with either of them up until now.

I felt that something was wrong, and I felt this way for awhile now. I asked him about it, and first he came out by saying he was bothered that my parents were split up. Then, he said that me being in school is a major issue to him.

He's looking to the future, and I can totally understand because we are starting to get serious. With me being in school, that would mean I would have no time for a marriage, or have time to raise kids. His plan for his wife is to not work, and stay at home and raise kids.

I coudn't reason with him at all, and I can't figure out why. He's never brought this up before with me, and I just figured everything was fine and dandy. He even made mention of us getting married, and how I could take a year off to finish school, or he could stay at home with the kids while I worked. Now, it's like a total 360.

There are a couple of reasons I can pin on this. For one, all his friends are married with families already. All the wives stay at home and the men work. Maybe he feels he needs to do the same.

I just can't understand why he was so supportive of my career and goals, and now wants me to give it all up.

He said that if I chose to continue in school, we could not stay together. I know I've toyed with the idea of quitting because it wasn't what I wanted, but I wouldn't want to stay with someone who already has my life layed out for me. He used to be so proud of my goals and ambitions, but now he seems to have my goals picked out for me.

What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 5:44pm
Ask him just what you asked us. Say:"Honey, why did you support my schooling before but not now?" You need to know where his head is at.

Perhaps before you were just a lover to him and now he wants you to be the ideal wife material and ideal in his pea brain means to give up YOUR future for a MAN'S future. To live out HIS LIfe and give up your own dreams.

Once you find out where his head is at have a talk with him and if he does not change dump him. He sounds selfish and stupid. He wants to keep you down. Below him. and dependent on him. the friends he hangs with tell you how he is himself and his attitudes will be.

Can you live with that the rest of your life? Do not give up school. You are doing the smart thing and will meet a wonderful MR Right in the future. This is not the best man for you.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 5:47pm
I think you need to figure out what YOU want for your life. If you quit school, it is VERY hard to go back later on and I also think that you will resent him if you quit. This guy is trying to dictate how you live your life. Maybe earlier on he was saying what he thought you wanted to hear and this is the real him?

Anyway, bottom line, I don't think you should quit school for this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 8:19pm
Don't quit school. Your education is important to you for your future and your children's future.

Does he really want his children to know there mother is a college drop-out - what kind of example would that set?

Just because you go to school and have a career does not mean you won't stay at home with the children. You can have both.

HE has to make the decision - he stays with you and supports you with school while you finish. OR he hits the road. You are both young and have a lot of time - there is time to finish school, get married, get settled and have kids.

Mr. Right will want you to be happy and will want the best for you. Please believe that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:44am
'but I wouldn't want to stay with someone who already has my life layed out for me.'

I don't blame you. I think you know what to do. Can you imagine not working and having kids right away? How long before he 'lets you' go back to work? How much would you resent him and possibly the children for doing what you weren't ready to do? And if he gets you to give up your biggest dream then how else can he control you?

Find someone who will support your goals, not squash them.