I Did The Right Thing, Right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
I Did The Right Thing, Right?
9
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 12:41am

My boyfriend and I broke up today after two years. For two reasons: his inability to admit when he's wrong and the women friends in his life. Now he loves me and has treated me well. But from the beginning, I've had to deal w/ an unusual relationship with his ex who is his best friend. A needy, fragile girl who he has been reluctant to tell that he is in a committed relationship for fear that she will have some sort of breakdown. I've tried to be understanding because he spends most of his time w/ me and she's in another country so no real threat. BUT, this girl has posted fotos from when they were together (of him nuzzling her neck) as her FB profile foto, leaves hearts and other comments which hint at an emotional connection they share. To draw attention to herself, to make me or any other girl she suspects him of being involved w/ angry? Possibly. But what matters to me is that I have been called insecure and forced to deal with this for two years, all to spare some stranger's feelings. 

He's an attractive man and having admirers is not a big deal; I expect it. But the women who are borderli e disrespectful are the ones in his inner circle the ones who are supposed to know he's in a relationship (w/ the exception of the best friend) so why are they being syrupy and ' hubby boo'? But im the mental one for having an issue with it? 

 Something doesn't add up. We've had fights about this and it always comes down to him calling me insecure instead of putting these women in their places once and for all. Its like enjoys the attention. I cant say hes doing anything to encourage it..not that i can see..but he does speak to these women either via fone or email too so whatevers going on hes not DIScouraging them either. 

What makes it so difficult is I can't express how I feel about this really or anything without him making it about me. He is NEVER to blame. EVER. He thinks he's perfect and always right. He forces me to sit and listen to him talk, sometimes for 20, 30, 40 minutes straight and if interrupt he loses it. Calls me immature. But who can sit and let someone talk AT them for that long w/o interruption, to offer feedback or rebuttal or anything? The irony is that when its my turn to speak he cuts me off, starts dissecting my statements and tries to invalidate everything I say.

We've broken up several times amd he will yell 'f*ck you' to me and hang up then send me a barrage of texts about how immature I am, how much he's done w/ me, how I'm ruining our relationship, how he feels sorry for me, I'm going to end up alone, im an incomplete person, I have daddy issues and can't respect a real man...yada yada smh

On the flip side, hes a dream when we aren't fighting. Attentive, supportive, loving, helps me make good decisions....but I feel like the negatives are now outweighing the positives. So finally today I just let it go and refused to speak to him or reply to his insulting text msgs. Its hard because I love him but I think he's some kind of narcissist and I don't see a future w/ someone so self righteous..and its starting to feel a little like emotional abuse which ive never experienced so idk..but it doesnt feel good. I believe he truly loves me but ues got this issue that i cant live with. He told me he would ask his dad why he would talk to himself and his dad would reply 'I'm the smartest person I know'. He said 'I'm the smartest person I know too'. Just to give u an idea of what I'm dealing with. 

Did i do the right thing?Sorry so long. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 8:02am

You absolutely did the right thing!  No one deserves to be treated how he treats you at any time.  I know it will be hard but cut all ties with this loser. Everything is about him and always will be.  You so deserve much better.  The longer you stay with him the more he will brain wash you that there is something wrong with you.  I know because a married someone just like him and by the time the marriage ended I was a mess.  He's holding on to his ex because she is acting exactly how he wants.  I hope that poor girl wakes up one day and realizes what he is doing.  Take time for yourself and get back on track.  Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 10:19am

Of course you did the right thing. Good for you. He's the type of man who will always need an adoring harem surrounding him. Leave him to his shallow life. There are men out there who don't have harems. I found one, and so can you. Take time to grieve the relationship. You have learned what type of man to avoid and in the future will be able to spot the red flags. If he continues to harass you with negative texts, change your number so you can have closure and be able to move on. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 11:12am

When I got to the paragraph about how he treats you when you have a disagreement, immediately I thought that you should never put up with that kind of behavior.  And forcing you to sit there while he lectures you is not how adults settle their disagreements--there should be a give and take.  His attitude is that he is always right and your opinion is always wrong and he doesn't appear open minded about listening to what you have to say--I'd say that's the much bigger problem than keeping his ex around.  It really is abusive behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 11:22am

Oh don't be surprised that after you don't take the bait and you stop responding to him, that in a day or two he will totally switch gears and start saying that he's sorry and he wants you back--don't fall for it.  He will only be sorry until you agree to go back and then he will start the bad behavior all over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 12:56pm

Thank you all for your feedback. I needed that. 

Because this self righteous problem he has is one that he can't acknowledge exists, he is probably feeling hurt and abandoned by me and that makes me sad. Cuz he doesnt get it. He helped me find myself again after a divorce, and he has helped me get my career jump started again too. He has always bent over backward to help me, encourage me, spend time with me. Hes very spiritual and goes out of his way to help his family and friends. And its all genuine. So you see, its a tough call because he is a wonderful partner - but he has unresolved issues that he thinks hes resolved.but you cant tell him otherwise. 

His dad was emotionally abusive to him and his mom abandoned him at 17..he worked so hard to be perfect that now you cant tell him hes not. He takes it sooo personally. He thinks hes smarter than damn near everyone. And his successful life and adoration from others around him is further proof to him that the way he thinks and lives is beyond reproach. 

If i disagree with him it cant possibly be because I heard what he had to say, weighed it and formed my own opinion..no. To him, I disagree because I dont understand or didnt let him finish his point. He hangs up with a 'f*ck you' and when I refuse to take his calls he accuses me of being immature and running away while he's the one trying to repair things. Makes himselfnthe martyr for the relationship. The one doing all the work. He doesn't get that I am not obligated to speak to anyone who speaks to me in that manner. He'll apologize with the caveat that his behavior is a result of my disrespect ( interrupting him, yelling, having the nerve to question him). Its a mess. A great guy with a serious issue. One that can't be fixed cuz he can't see it. :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:57pm

Ok, now you're defending him, and feeling sorry for him!  STOP IT!!!!  His brainwashing has really got a hold on you.  Why would you feel sorry for him when he verbally and mentally abuses you?  Why would you feel sorry for him if he's feeling hurt and abandoned?  Guess what, he's NOT feeling hurt and abandoned.  He has his ex, he has the other female friends fawning over him.....What he is really feeling is ANGER......how DARE you leave him?  You are worthless, and stupid, and without him you are nothing!  He goes out of his way to help friends and family, and it's all genuine?  Maybe genuine, but not for the reason you think......he does it to try to make people love him, because his father messed him up in childhood......and down deep this man feels helpless and worthless.......what he shows on the outside is bravado and phony!   A psychiatrist would describe him as a psycopath, or at the very least.......a sociopath, with NO empathy for anyone but himself, or as you said, narcisistic.

You need to block him from all your media......if need be change names and numbers.......because he WILL do whatever he has to do to get you back.........once he's finished with tearing you down, he'll be telling you how much he loves you and needs you.  He does love you and need you........as an object to tear down to his own sick level......so he can look down on you......he needs someone lower than himself to make himself feel better.  He needs some real help, and you can't give it to him.....and he will probably never seek professional help.  Men who were abused mentally, emotionally or physically always turn out like this man......I was married to one once upon a time.......and finally got my act together and divorced him.  You need to be strong, and put a final end to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 6:18pm

Yes, you did the right thing. He has issues that will take professional help to resolve, things way beyond what a loving and understanding partner can deal with. He has to be willing and able to admit that he has a problem and then spend a lot of time and effort working on it---which may never happen. So you're smart to get out before you become more negatively impacted by his problems.

If you have any belongings at his home (or his at yours) get things returned quickly. Take a friend with you so he cannot browbeat you. You want to end all reasons to be in touch with each other asap. Like other said, he will probably try to rope you back in so be strong! When you don't come back he may get nasty and you won't want to know what he is saying. Block him from your social media and from your phone.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 6:42pm
Thanks for the kick in the butt. Feeling sorry for him only a little bit..not enough to go running back. I'm no fool. I swear if I was a weaker person he would have me right where he wants me becase he's gooood. But believe me, I have no intentions to reach out I'm any way. Feelin good. Thanks again. :-)
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-26-2013 - 11:11pm

  Just understand that with the wrong person it is always a death spirial.  Many times it is the chemistry each does when they are with each other. 

Goldfish