i didn't cheat
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i didn't cheat
| Fri, 06-25-2004 - 4:13pm |
I have been dating a man for about two years, he is in his late 30's and is divorced.Every relationship that he has ever been in, including his marriage, the women he has been with, cheat on him.......with that said, he recently went out of town to a bike run in Austin Tx.Before he left, and while he was gone, he obsessed about the fact that I was going to cheat on him.The night he came back,I was getting a lot of calls on my cell phone, and he was becoming very suspicious about the calls, and I did not have anything to hide, so I tried to reassure him that I had nothing to hide, so I let him listen in on my calls.One call in particular that I got was from a long time friend, (male) who I had called his wife earlier on her cell phone, and he was apparently calling all the numbers on her phone (checking up on her), and when he realized it was just me, he was just playing around, I guess he felt embarassed about it.My boyfriend became suspicious about the call, and asked me to call him back, and ask about his wife, because he did not believe that he was married, or that the phone he was calling on was his wife's.Well this time when he answered, he answered with "hi babe".I asked him what was up with the "hi babe" and he just laughed and said he was sorry.From that day, til now, (3wks later)he is still saying that I slept with him while he was away, and has created all of these situations, from when he tried to come by to visit me after he got off from work (about 11pm) and I did not answer the door!?I have talked to him, (my friend) and he has tried to call my boyfriend to explain that his wife had called earlier, and he was expecting her call, so when he answered his phone, he did not look at his caller id to see who it was, he just assumed it was her, and did not mean the "hi babe" towards me, and that we have just been friends, ex co-workers etc. My boyfriend won't talk to him, he said that he will just lie to protect his marriage. I have told him that we could go to his house, in front of his wife, and straighten all of this out. To no avail. He proposed to me the weekend before he left, and now he can't even look at me without questioning everything that I do.I have proclaimed my innocence more than a million times it seems, but he does not believe me. He says that if it was me, I would act the same, I told him that the difference between me and him, is that I would have already confronted the female, and asked all sorts of questions to get to the bottom of this, not avoid the calls!!!I don't know if things will ever be the same,but every incident that he has tried to play off as a time when I cheated, I have justified my actions, and proved him wrong. I'm in love with him, but I feel like I'm at the point where I love him enough to let him go.I really with all my heart understand how he feels, but I have asked him to confront him, with me there, or not there, I don't care, I told him he could call friends, family, I just want him to stop accusing me of stuff I have not done.He keeps bringing up his past relationships, and how all the women in his past, have had opportunity to cheat and did not think that they would be caught, and they did get caught. The did not care. I have stood my ground and told him that I am not any of the women in his past, and I can't be held responsible for their actions, I can't help the fact that they did not value what a real relationship is but I really have genuine love for him. No matter how many times I tell him, no matter how many ways, I do that, he will not believe me.I really don't know what to do.

Something tells me that at least a couple of women before left for this very reason, not because they were cheating.
my guess is that these other women he's been with weren't cheating necessarily but he says that so that he can have some kind of control over you... so you "prove" over and over to him that you're not doing anything HE considers wrong or anything that would hurt his sensitive, insecure ego.
it isn't a good idea to cheat on him. it won't make you feel good about yourself, it certainly won't do him any good, and the other guy won't like knowing he's the "other guy". sad, but the best thing to do is make the decision that you can't and don't want to deal with it anymore, tell him your position and leave unless he's got some solution that satisfies your hunger for a better life.
if he's for real, he may sit up and notice that you're fed up and adjust his behavior. if it's important enough. but don't cheat on him... trust me.
i had a boyfriend that said that all of his exes were "crazy" and obsessed with him. he had to get restraining orders against one, one made harassing calls to his family, one cut his brake lines... it occured to me that the only common factor was him, and that if these girls went crazy, it was probably because he made them that way. sure enough, it wasn't long before he started thinking that i was becoming obsessed with him and started accusing me of all sorts of little things that went wrong in his life. i guess that's a little different, but the point is that a guy who lumps all of his exes in a group, probably lumps all girls in a group.
all girls are cheaters to your man, and that will never be fun.