I didn't know what else to do...
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I didn't know what else to do...
| Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:28am |
Ok here's the thing, this may be long as well, my husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. I am very unhappy with the way our relationship is progressing and do not know what to do. Before I even begin I want to mention that I have asked him to get help with me and he refuses. I am 23, a student and work 30-40 hours a week. I feel as though my husband not only doesn't love me but I fear that he doesn't want to love me anymore either. He is not affectionate to me at all, he tells me how fat I am getting, calls me a bitch, tells me I am the reason he hates certain things, etc. I have been really depressed lately and I look forward to the time I have when he is at work so I can be alone or with my dogs! He will not tell me he loves me, I asked him why he never tells me and he said he doesn't have to that I should know that he loves me because he pays the bills and cuts the grass, I do appreciate these things but I do not feel like that is the only way to show someone love. I asked him tonight, for example, what he wanted for Valentine's Day or what he wanted to do he said "Nothing! You won't be getting anything either so don't bother with me", now I am not someone that is into expensive gifts or wants alot from someone, I would be happy with a flower and a 99 cent card! This just really hurt my feelings and he does this to me all the time, he makes Christmas miserable with his attitude towards myself and my family, he forgets or ignores my birthdays, I really love the holidays and he cannot stand to see me putting up a tree. I have posted on another board before about him and how selfish he can be also. I want to go and think we need counseling but he seems to feel as though our marriage is last priority. On his days off of work he makes me miserable, he complains, does nothing around the house, doesn't care for himself properly, it's just horrible! I have never really been in a good relationship and now I am finding it hard to believe that they even exist! I am thinking that us marrying was a mistake since he has begun these changes within months of being married. He watches porn alot, it bothers me also, when we actually do have sex he acts like it's a porn, he treats me with no respect, never holds me afterward, just gets up and goes to smoke. I feel more like a use prostitute than a wife after sex. He is a cop also and has diabetes, he's 27. When I tell him I just wish he would act like he loves me he says that I am living in a fantasy world and that REAL people do not act that way. Is this true? I mean I have been surrounded by divorces and unhappy marriages my whole life, I have never seen a happy relationship before. My husband was very loved as a child but he was never loving. His mother told me that they would throw him birthday parties and he would hide not wanting to be around his friends, he always hated Christmas, what kind of child hates thier birthdays and Christmas?! I have never heard of such a thing! Of course I never knew any of this until after we were married, just my luck, though I probably would have tried to help him and would have still ended up where I am today. I wish now that I would have stayed single and when he persude me I wish I would have never answered the phone or the door. I am tired of being degraded and compared to other women. I do not feel like I am unattractive but to him I am. The other day at work a guy saw my wedding ring and said "Wow someone loves you! That ring is gorgeous!" I wanted to say so bad that I was the one that finished paying for it as well as my husbands. My husband never made a payment after we were married. I also had to pick it out, he never really proposed, just acted like he should "go through with it" since we had been together so long and all of his friends are married. I don't know what to do or what I want to do, I just know that I am always sad and feel unhappy with him. I really need someone to talk to but I have no one anymore. My friends have all moved away or have married and are busy. The 2 friends I do have always feel like their problems are worse than anyones and I can't really get a word in much less vent. There is alot more to this as well but if I added everything it would turn into a novel. Thanks for listening.

Girl, I agree completely with the two previous posters - get out of this relationship...NOW.
This man, based simply on what you've posted here, is an abuser. He may not physically hit you (yet) but he fits the profile perfectly.
What he said about "reality" is completely skewed. In reality, husbands DON'T act like this unless they are abusers.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:
1. Do you feel that you put more energy into the relationship than your partner?
2. Does your partner attempt to blame his or her lack of romantic or sexual interest on your supposed faults and inadequacies? Does his critical attitude cause you to doubt your self-worth?
3. Does your partner abide by a double standard where he expects your life to revolve around his schedule, as if his life is more important than yours?
4. Does your partner show a lack of consideration for your needs and a lack of appreciation for your efforts?
5. Does your partner try to frame you in the "bad guy" role by provoking you to anger, then point to your anger as an excuse for his or her behavior?
6. Does your partner attempt to dominate you and control the relationship?
7. Does your partner use humor to put you down or degrade you?
8. Does he find it hard to apologize or to admit when he is wrong? Does he make excuses for his behavior or always blame others for his actions?
9. Do you believe that you are to blame for your husband's or lover's problems? Do you feel you are mostly responsible for the problems with the relationship? Does he try to make you feel this way?
If you answered yes to even half of these questions, then you are most definitely in an abusive relationship.