I didn't know where else to turn (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
I didn't know where else to turn (long)
4
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:17pm
I didn't know where to turn right now so I thought I'd just see if anyone can help me right now. I am a crying mess, called in sick to work, and just feel so alone and so lost right now.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and everything is alright for the most part, except lately. He is working 3 jobs right now in hopes to reach his goal. He wants to be a firemedic and in order to do that he has to work (or so he says) these 3 jobs as a paramedic so he can get his experience in so it'll look better on paper. I accept that, I understand that, may not always like it, but I do understand this is what he has to do. I see him maybe one or two days a week, if that, and we live together. I packed up and moved an hour away from my family (sounds like no big deal but we are all SUPER close) and my friends and moved to a town I know no one. BUT I did it because I love him and wanted to grow with him.

So now, with him gone all the time, I feel so alone. I understand that he is strapped for time, that he also needs time for his friends and family, but I also need time with him as well.

So yesterday I was SO exhausted because I had went out for his friend's birthday (whom I cannot stand, but I was cordial and went). I got 2 hours of sleep before I had to get up and go to work. I was EXHAUSTED. All during the day I had told him how tired I was and how when I got home I NEEDED to take a nap and rest. He knows FULL WELL that I am the lightest sleeper on earth and that in order for me to get some rest, I would have to have the house quiet. I was looking forward to taking a nap, being able to hang out with him (I take a 20 min nap) after I woke up, sit and talk because we had been trying to have a night where we do that and work always gets in the way.

So I call him on my way home from work to tell him I was on my way home and I was hoping he was still napping as well. However, when he answered his phone, low and behold we had a house full of people. I was upset because it was almost like he didn't hear me AT ALL during the entire day about how I needed to rest when I got home. I had a major headache because my eyes were so heavy and I was so tired and I just NEEDED some rest. On the phone I had reiterated to him that I needed rest and I asked if he was going to go to home depot like he said he would earlier. He said yes but "stop whining wah wah wah wah wah, that's all I hear!" He said this in front of his friends which pissed me off even more. So I get home, they are all in the garage, I get out of the car and his 2 friends were talking to me and my boyfriend said rudely and smart "WHAT, I DON'T GET A KISS?". I just looked at him, obviously angry at him and I said "let's go inside for a second" (I didn't say that rude, just wanted to get him inside.) Once inside I reminded him I just needed a nap and didn't want to socialize tonight since we had last night and that I wanted to just be alone with him. He said "is it okay for my sister and my friends to come over?" I just said "I am tired, I need a nap but I don't feel like socializing!"

He left and I went to TRY to fall asleep but I couldn't. After him being gone for 2 hours (home depot is 5 min away and he was only buying 2 things) I called him to ask what was taking so long. He informed me he had eaten dinner and was now at home depot. Well that pissed me off too because he knew we have basically one tortilla in our house since we haven't been grocery shopping. Then he said "what will you do for dinner?" I just sat there dumbfounded and then he said "I guess I can get you something, do you want me to?" I just said "no." Then he said "oh yeah, and my sister (who is joined to him by the hip it seems like) and bob and chris are coming over." I just sat there and he said "is that okay with you?" very snotty. I said "I told you I didn't want people over. I said that is fine, but I am not in the socializing mood like I told you so I'll just stay in our room and watch tv." He said if I did that it would be f'in rude. So we hung up. I sat there, starving, tired, hurt, angry, whatever. I got dressed and left. I felt it would be better for me to leave instead of me being exhausted and quiet with a bunch of loud drunk people here and making people feel uncomfortable and him and I arguing. (He had told me to get the alcohol ready by the time he got home. I told him no.)

I ended up going to my cousin's house for dinner and venting and got home late. We didn't even sleep in the same room.

This morning he basically screamed and yelled at me telling me I was stupid for not wanting to socialize and that I have problems because of it. I think I SHOULD be entitled to being tired after I went out for HIS friend's birthday and had to work the following day. He left for work (ONCE AGAIN) and picked up another shift so I won't see him until Sunday. We left on a bad note - and then he called and we basically screamed at each other on his entire drive out there.

Am I wrong to want alone time with him knowing it is also hard for him to see family and friends? Should I not have been angry he invited his family and friends over when we were suppose to spend time alone last night? Am I totally over-reacting like he says?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:56pm
sweetheartsmile...

You should re-read your post...and count the number of times you're displeased with an issue or a person. Maybe by doing this, you'll understand why your b/f is a little frustrated by your attitude! .


It's obvious that you aren't very happy with the fact that your b/f is working 3 jobs and that any 'free time' is consumed with others. No man wants hear a woman constantly b**ching about something...and perhaps this is the reason your b/f wants somebody "friendly" in his corner?

Granted...you haven't got many family members in the same area---so perhaps you're feeling that the only socializing the 2 of you ever do is with the people who are closer to HIM? However...

If you're constantly complaining about family members, friends or co-workers...and IN FRONT OF SOME OF THEM...what does this make YOU look like? I'm sure most ivillagers can come up with their own verbiage?

Look!

If you need your space or time away---take a break and stay at your cousin's place. But unless you are willing to consider an "attitude readjustment"---the ALONE TIME you desire will come a lot sooner than you think!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:09pm
Where was I complaining in front of his friends and family? I have NEVER EVER done that and I despise if he even tries to do that. We were on the phone and all I said was I was tired and wanted to take a nap at home and he said I was whining.

All that happened was that I NEVER see him and when he's home I would like to spend some quality time with him ALONE since we NEVER do. I never complain about it - I just ask to spend time alone and if he has invited people over - fine. BUT...last night being tired and exahusted - I said something and made sure he knew where I was coming from.

A relationship where you see someone one to two days a week and you live together is okay then?

I honestly don't see how me wanting to spend time with him ALONE is a bad thing because I never get to...

I RARELY complain to him about his job - only if it goes on 2 weeks and I haven't seen him one day during the 2 weeks.

Can you explain it to me why you feel this way.

Avatar for dogandcat99
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2000
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 1:37pm
I totally understand where you are coming from. It must be incredibly frustrating to want to spend time with your man and you can't. I applaud you for not complaining about the amount of time he spends working. Fine for him, but doesn't he realize that he's tearing your relationship apart?

I so relate to this b/c my dh is the same way. We NEVER, ever spend time together, unless it's something planned for some reason that we can't control--a party, wedding, concert (Rod Stewart tonight b/c my sister had free tickets), etc. The other day, I bought him a pair of gym shoes and they didn't fit, so I made plans with him to go back to the store to get a different size. He was supposedly on his way home at 5:45 and didn't arrive to my house (he was at his mom's/his house), which is about 1/2 hour drive until 7:15. I was pissed but didn't make a big deal about it b/c we are always fighting about this situation. He SAID he was looking at some pics my sister gave him to give to me and lost track of time! So, needless to say, we never did go to the store to exchange the shoes (by then I didn't want to anyway, b/c I wanted to look at the pics!!

Anyway, I don't know what to do about this problem either!!!

Sorry, I can't give you better advice. But, maybe you can talk to him and tell him how it feels that he acts that way. (Can't say it worked for me, as it hasn't changed yet!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:44pm
sweetheartsmile...

Pianoguy apologizes if he misread your post. You DIDN'T complain in front of your boyfriend's family and friends.

However...I stick by the rest of my post. Your words reinforced the unhappiness of your current relationship. Obviously, you feel that you're entitled to more than 1 or 2 days of your b/f's presence? And you want it to be 'just the two of us' (to coin a phrase from a Grover Washington/Bill Withers tune)!

Unfortunately...you are living with a man who has 3 jobs and apparently...the career(s) are more important (to him) than you are! Since his profession(s) allow him little control when it comes to scheduling...I guess you can try and cope with the realization that you'll be #2 with your "live-in"---at least temporarily?

Or you can change your living situation entirely?

The "alone time" that YOU want doesn't seem to be of interest to your...err..."roommate?"

Pianoguy