I dont know anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
I dont know anymore
3
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:34pm
Dear Dr. Shoshanna,
I have been in an on/off relationship with a man I truly care about for 6 years. To give you a bit of history, We started our relationship in 2002 on a very positve note. However, due to my cultural back ground I was not permitted to have a regular relationship with him (i.e could not sleep over, had to be home at a certain time) and since he was still grieving on the loss of his fiance and mother, I felt he really did try to work with me but due to those complications, our relationship lasted a year. 1 year passed until we met again. we clicked instantly. But he could not have a commit to me since he had a girlfriend he just moved in with in a different city. 2 years went by and we kept sneaking around to see eachother. Till one day his girlfriend found out about me and they parted their to their separate ways (or at least I thought). Moved back to our city and we both tried to make it work. I found out later that him and his ex were still seeing eachother and still had feeling for eachother. Constantly we had arguements where we broke up at times, but always came back together. Finally he told me this year that he did not love me and he loved his ex and wanted to be with her. I was devestated. I had expressed my feelings for this man constantly over time. I did everything for this man and supported him no matter what. Finally this summer he said that his relationship with his ex was over since he didnt feel for her anymore and that she was too far. So he gave me a shot again and wanted me to move in with him. In july of this year I left my home and my family and moved into his house. It has only gotten worse. He does not kiss me, hold me or have any contact with me unless its to have sex. This weekend i couldnt take it anymore and i told him how I felt. He told me that he does not love me, he cannot look at me and him as a couple and that since i've gained weight he does not look at me. My response to him that he plays too much mind games since one dy he will talk about a future together and the next day he thinks of me as nothing. and he moved me in just to help me get my life straight. and then he asked to me to leave by novemeber.For some reason i love this man and i cannot look at anyone else. Believe me i tried. Im really confused. Im under so much stress bc my family disowned me, I have no money to pick up and leave and yet I feel too much for this man and cannot imagine him not being in my life. I know my situation sounds like a little teenagers story but so much myself and him have been through its hard to explain every detail in writing. Please tell me what I should do and how to get over this man or how to make the relationship work
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 4:19pm

Welcome to the board drea2022,


"I know my situation sounds like a little teenagers story..."


Actually, it doesn't sound like that to me. It sounds like an on-going affair that was never right from the beginning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:29am

Welcome to the board drea,


He has only entered in the relationship with you after the relationship with his ex failed. You were his second choice. You deserve to be with someone who wants you as their first choice.


I am sorry your family disowned you. This is the perfect time in your life to do what is best for you. Find a way to get away from him and make it on your own. You deserve to be happy, and I don't think you are going to find that with him.


Best of luck to you.

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 7:10pm

It sounds to me as though he is very unstable and not really able to create a healthy, secure relationship with you. I am very sorry that your parents disowned you, that must be truly painful. But for now, you must focus on your future and what is happening here. Even though you love him, this relationship is abusive for you - taking you in and then throwing you out over and over again. You can only make a relationship work if both people want to, and if they are both willing to work on it - to talk honestly, or go to counseling, and to work through difficulties.


It seems most crucial to me now that you build your own life up. Perhaps you can get some counseling to get yourself a good job, find some friends who will support you, become involved in activities that are meaningful to you, and move forward in your life. Sometimes we love a person who is not healthy for us, or who is not able to help us create a relationship that we truly want. It is important to face this and then get help to move on.


I strongly urge you to get some professional help with this situation, so you have the support you need in seeing things clearly and making a healthy choice.


Best wishes,