I don't know how to deal with 'collectibles'

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
I don't know how to deal with 'collectibles'
10
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 2:30pm

Here's the thing: I am not into collectibles. My mom is, his mom is. Whether it's those 'snow kids' or 'precious moments' figurines to having 50 snow globes (his grandmother), or 300 teddy bears! (his mom). You walk into some old ladies house, and they have some type of collectible - birds, butterflies, glasses, etc.

I've always been conservative when it comes to "stuff". I don't buy many things, and if i do, it is somehow useful. I've always made it a point to not "collect" things, even if i do like something. I don't want my house filled with dust-collectors and money wasted on things that have no use. If there is sentimental value, i gauge how much and whether or not it is "essential" for me to keep. I'll keep one item, not 50 ya know.

It's my fault really. If I knew I had a problem with collectibles, then when I saw his 4 collections, I probably should have ended it or made sure it wouldn't be a big deal to me.

But i guess it is more of a big deal than I had thought or wanted it to be.

I am so afraid that our 'new' home will be scattered with dolphins everywhere. It won't look "grown-up" or "nice". It will look silly. We are not old, so I don't want an "old-looking" home. I want it to look well-kept, clean and sophisticated. You can't have that when every knook and cranny of the house has a dolphin figurine in it.

So i opened my big fat mouth again about not liking his "dolphins". I have a hard time accepting something I don't like and I know that if he loves it, i should love it. But i don't want to be embarrassed by his "stuff".

He got mad that i thought his stuff was stupid and that i didn't want them in the house. He got mad that i didn't care about him and his stuff. That i was knocking him and his stuff. and how he already got rid of the "ugly" ones when he met me, and how he hasn't bought any NEW ones since we've been together and how that should be good enough for me and he doesn't understand why i have an issue with his collectibles.

I know my mom and his mom have a serious problem with STUFF taking over their lives - I don't want that- at all.

And he is a guy - why does he like glass figurines of dolphins? I'm embarrassed by that I guess.

So he got really mad and he started throwing some of his collectibles on the ground and breaking them, screaming at me - there, i have none now, are you happy?!

No, i am now incredibly upset. I know i hurt him, but he also has an anger issue. I am upset that he broke his collectibles. He didn't need to do that - there is too much anger in him that scares me. So i was upset for hurting him, but worried that that is what he resorted to.

I do care about him. But i guess i don't care about his stuff. I know they must be important to him. Maybe if he told me about his collection, i'd be better with it. But he doesn't. He said it is his, so why does it matter.

Then he's like 'fine, i'll shove everything all into one tiny space so it doesn't clutter your house!'

I get what I marry - collections and all, right?

It just makes me worry too that when we have kids, and I don't want them to have tons of toys- that he won't stop it from happening and we will wind up with tons of stuff that the kids no longer play with that will wind up in a land-fill somewhere.

I hate hurting him but i also do't want our house full of "collectibles".

I also feel bad because apparently he has refrained from buying anymore because i told him i didn't want him to. Great. Now i am making him unhappy because he can't buy dolphin figurines.

I think deep inside he is feeling like this is his only thing in the house that is HIS so he wants to hold onto the one part of his "Freedom" and "manlihood" - glass dolphin figurines and all.

Besides pictures and vases, I don't have anything that is "mine" in the house - so not quite sure of his philosophy.

I guess it is tough when you don't understand why someone does or wants something. We just learn to compromise or support them anyway.

That's what I have to do. I feel bad for hurting him and wish I didn't open my mouth.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Oh my.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Arbylee, I'm so relieved to find this post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

arbylee,

I can understand your concern.

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

I too am a collector and yes I understand the minimalist thought pattern My ex had a problem with my collections an the clothes.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't know why no one else focused on this point, but this stuck out to me--that he has an anger issue and it bothers you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I am with Musiclover.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

I didn't see the husband (fiance?) as necessarily having anger problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

I commented on the anger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

If she holds steady in her opinion, and he continues to respond in the same way, there soon will be no collections for her to worry about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

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