I don't know what to do!
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| Mon, 09-20-2004 - 6:14pm |
I'm 43, divorced with 2 daughters (5&7) and have been dating a 56 y/o man for 5 months. He's very intelligent, extremely well-read, is a great father, does international business/travel, is a super flirt and, accordingly, has hordes of women drooling over him. He's told me he's been afraid to get too close to women in the past (he's been divorced 13 yrs) but he says likes me very much and is "enjoying getting to know me" and basically spends all his free time with me (we live about 35 miles apart) and calls me daily.
I met him online and was already very enamored with him through his expressive emails, so when we met in person I fell in love with him. My problem is is that since he is so reticent to share his emotions that I start feeling insecure and impatient (when I've been drinking) and literally try to run away. He doesn't tell me he likes me, or that I'm pretty/sexy/smart/considerate (you fill in the blank) because he says talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. He doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend (although we have been exclusive for 4 months), he doesn't acknowledge my presence when his friends call, he receives emails from other women which he immediately closes when I approach.
I think I run because I'm afraid the longer I stay with him, the worse it will hurt when he finally leaves me. I've attempted to run 4 times in 5 months and he's stopped me and asked me to stay and work things out each time except the last (2 nights ago). He tells me that he is trying to rush along his timetable of advancing his emotions, but every time I run he withdraws because (naturally) he doesn't want to be emotionally invested in me then have me disappear at the drop of a hat.
My daughters adore him and he is very good with them; he is only the second man I've dated that they've ever met because I don't to confuse them by having men coming and going out of their lives.
What should I do? Should I just be patient and hope he comes around someday or should I cut and run now? I greatly appreciate any advice you could offer! Thank you!

Pianoguy would like to ask you one question:
"How can you possibly be EXCLUSIVE to a man who doesn't acknowledge your presence in his life?"
Your daughters might think he's the greatest thing since the mini-skirt...but all you're gonna get from this man is a lot of "lip service!" Don't kid yourself if you're expecting something more!
Perhaps a little less liquor will help you realize that HE'S NOT GONNA GET SERIOUS with ANY WOMAN!
Pianoguy
It would be interesting to know his definition of "exclusive"...I have a feeling it's different from what yours and mine would be.
Good luck.
Sheri
His issues:
he is so reticent to share his emotions
He doesn't tell me he likes me, or that I'm pretty/sexy/smart/considerate (you fill in the blank) because he says talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.
He doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend (although we have been exclusive for 4 months), he doesn't acknowledge my presence when his friends call, he receives emails from other women which he immediately closes when I approach.
He is so RIGHT, his actions do speak louder than words. His behavior says that you are insignificate - doesn't acknowledge your presence, gets email from other women, closes immediately when you approach - so he's hiding the depth of his relationship with them from you. Probably stringing them on the same way he met you, meaning he's willing to compliment them and say nice things in emails to keep the interest but when he's got a live woman in his life, he balks.
your issues:
I start feeling insecure and impatient (when I've been drinking) and literally try to run away.
First, I don't think the alcohol helps the situation. Second, I think you should run away from this guy. It's not so much about you running as you listening to your gut feeling that this isn't going anywhere.
Reading material:
Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
By Rinatta Paries
The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.
There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.
If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.
If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.
Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.
1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.
Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.
2. Man/Woman Watching
Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.
3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.
4. Another Relationship
OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.
5. Romantic Contact From Other People
Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?
I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.
If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.
You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.
6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors
Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.
If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.
7. 'It's All Your Fault'
Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.
However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?
You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.
Carrie