I don't know what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
I don't know what to do...
1
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:18am
I hope someone has some advice that may help me. I have been dating a guy for almost a year now. I’m 33, he’s 37. He is, without a doubt, a very kind, good person, and I do love him very much. I know he loves me, too. Lately, he’s been having a hard time with many aspects of his life and although he tries to be happy, he’s obviously not himself. He’s depressed and forgetful and grumpy and sometimes pretty thoughtless. This is not typical behavior for him, but it is difficult to be around nevertheless. I’ve tried being supportive, helpful, optimistic, encouraging. I truly feel like I am a good girlfriend to him. But his words and actions of late are hurting me. When I get upset, it turns into an argument. He will try to comfort me, but the bottom line is always that he thinks I am over-reacting while I feel he’s not taking my feelings seriously enough. While he’s going thru this difficult time, I have tried to let a lot of hurtful things slide, but it’s getting harder and harder to do. Two examples of “hurtful” things he’s said:

1) We were going to church. I asked if I could ride in his car with him. He said, “No”. I thought he was kidding, so I laughed and walked towards his car anyway. He said, “I don’t want you in my car. Drive your own car!” I was shocked..this came out of nowhere. I said, “Ya know, I think I’m gonna go home. I’ll see ya later!” and I got into my own car to leave. He ran over and was like, “I’m just joking! Relax!” I told him jokes were meant to be funny, not mean.

2) We were at a friend’s house and I was playing with their 5 year old son. Our friend told my boyfriend, “I think she’s got a new boyfriend!” referring to the 5 year old boy and me. My boyfriend said, “That’s okay. I can find someone new, too!” I just ignored him so as not to make a scene.

Those are 2 examples of about 10 that I could list that happened within the last 24 hours. How do I deal with this? Whenever I try to state my case, he says “You’re too intense! Relax!” I feel like he should be LESS easygoing and take his actions and my reactions more seriously. Please…any advice here? Help! Thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 1:34pm
It does sound to me also like you are overreacting. He took the first joke a little far, but the 2nd one...yikes! You really do need to lighten up, I think!

However, if that's not possible for you, then maybe the two of you are incompatible and you need to find someone who shares your sensitivity level. The guy I'm seeing now is also a joker and kind of sarcastic, and I have let him know that I am mostly ok with that, but that it's an issue for me because my ex-husband used humor and sarcasm as weapons in our marriage. So when he goes too far, I let him know (and he respects that and backs off because I don't do this very often), but I also know that this is what he's like and I need to be ok with it in order for us to be together.

Sheri