I don't know what to do.. help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
I don't know what to do.. help please
5
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 12:00pm

Hi -

Thanks in advance for any advice. I've posted on one of these message boards before and it's helped. But it seems I have more problems that need helping..

I'm 24 and I've been with my BF for a little more than 2 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs but have stuck through it all and tried to work through because we really love each other a lot and want to make it work.

Now at this point in our relationship, I think we're both trying to see if the other is someone we can be with for the rest of our lives. After a weekend with my parents, he told me that he is realizing that he doesnt like some things about me. For example, I've had many problems with my family throughout my life. My family and I have gotten through a lot and I love them but I don't think I have the perfect relationship with them and I think I've changed negatively as a person because of my rough childhood. My BF told me he didn't like how I would react to certain things, like get aggravated with my parents, or how I talk to my sister. He also thinks that some of that behavior is showing in how I treat him.
I have gone through a lot and I know that I'm not perfect. My sister and I are working on our relationship. I guess I didn't realize how screwed up I was until he told me he didn't want to be with someone that reacted to their family like I did. I don't treat him like I do my family. And I know that I should be a nicer person, a more patient person. But this past weekend, I was myself, like I am with my family, and he didn't like what he saw.

Oh, for those who are confused with how I am as a person now - I'm closed off at times, I try not to rely on people cause I feel they'll screw me in the end (like I feel my family did), I haven't resolved my family issues and therefore I think I've harbored resentment and it shows, by me being frustrated easily, by me acting as if and believing that people really don't care about me, I have a problem with people telling me no..

Okay I'll stop writing so much .. basically, he is telling me this because he said he loves me. But it's hard for me to hear that he says he doesnt want to deal with it in the future, it makes him apprehensive to get closer with me, and he feels better that he's learning more about me now and figuring me out now.

So?? He loves me thats why he's telling me, and he wants to be with me. He knows that I don't like how I am and would expect me to want to change that. I figure that it's hard for me to change that which I have become over these years, and I know it won't take a week.

So the question is, do I break up with him because I don't want him to suffer being with me and therefore I wouldn't be a selfish person by keeping him with me and telling him it'll get better, I'll change? I've said this before and I have tried to change but I guess he keeps finding things that he doesnt like about me. Are we too uncompatible? I constantly have people telling me how awesome we are together. We get along SOOO welll together and we really care and love each other. But of course we fight about things..
And my BF tells me these things cause he wants to work it out.

Do I seek therapy and still stay with him? Or do I seek therapy and not be with him?
Either way, I will be seeking therapy. I just don't know if I should take him along..

I hate it when your family's baggage interferes with your current relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 2:47pm
go it on your own. he is telling you he wants someone different than who you are. you deserve someone who wants to be with you just the way you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 2:49pm

On one hand, everyone has family problems sometimes. But, if you get married, you marry not only one another but one another's family and all the relationships within. It's probably pretty weird for him to see you change into a different person when you're around them, and I have to sort of side with him a little bit on this when he says that he doesn't know if he wants to marry into that.

BUT: you are actively working on your relationship with your family and he should acknowledge that. Of course it's up to him to decide whether or not he can accept you like this, but I think he should be more understanding. To be honest, it sounds like he's nitpicking a little too much and looking for any reason he can find to have doubts about you. If that's the case, you're probably both better off with other people. A big part of having a long-term relationship is occasionally taking a look at the other person's life and saying "is this right for me?" You also need to weigh whether the ups and downs are worth it. It's good that you guys are doing this but I think he really needs to give you a break. You seem to communicate well (people who communicate well are able to talk about the bad stuff as well as the good), so have a talk. Ask him if your current progress with your family is good enough for him to be happy with you.

The biggest part of being in love and wanting a future with someone is to accept them for who they are today, not who they're trying to be tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 3:31pm

Hi Eggbert -

Thanks for your response. I understand what you mean about him thinking about whether or not he wants to be part of my family.
And I do think its important for him and I to talk about it more. I guess I was just shocked and incredibly sad when he first told me how he didnt like some things about me. I felt like if he doesnt, then why are we together? And so I didn't continue our convo.

I also thought that my family issues are my own family issues and that my BF is not involved at all. But I guess that he is affected, and he has an opinion but should be more understanding of my family issues.

It's sad because I didn't want to be defined by my family's history and that I thought that I could find someone that is solely for me and that would love me and be there for me, and that person would be totally independent of my family. But I guess I can't run away from things and I need to resolve them. And also that my BF is affected by how I react to my family problems...

Either way, I'm going to have a convo with him tonight and see if he'll be there for me when I seek out therapy and try to resolve my family issues.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 3:31pm

Welcome to the board r2boston,


Start therapy on your own. You can always ask him to join you later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 3:36pm

Thanks cl-itwinflame -

I will start therapy. I didn't mean to ask if I should go to therapy with him. I meant if I should seek therapy and still have a relationship with him. I didn't know if it would be a burden on him or if I needed to do this totally on my own.
I think I'll have a talk with him and see if he's willing to support me in this and if he isn't then I know I have to look out for myself first.

:)

Thanks again.