I dont know what to do or think

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
I dont know what to do or think
5
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 2:30pm
I have posted sooo many times here, and it has always helped.

I´m been dating my bf (?) for over 3 years. This year, in march, he broke up with me because he thought we were acting more like friends than a couple, and that we didnt have plans together, but then he never told me the reasons he just broke up. I was devastated not understandig the reason. We kept seing each other, and stuff until one day he told me to get back together starting from the begginig. We took it really slow, but after months it seams just to "slow motion", so we had another talk, were we discuss this.

Since the get back together, i have been more jelauos and with no confidence than ever, maybe it has something to do with the break up. So, if he goes to lunch with his friends form work (male and female) i got jelauos, if he goes out to a party with friends, i´m jelauos again. And i hate that! But that another story...

The thing is, this weekend we wouldn go out with me at all, he called though to see how was I. Today, by mail, we talked, and he said he doesnt know what´s up his head, that he needs to finds out, I asked if it has something to do with us and he says he doesnt know...Well, so here I found myself again, at LIMBo, not understanding him, not knowing what is happening in his head, thinking of many many "options" of why his reaction...Again from nowhere he throws a ball at me, and i´m disbalanced.

I know deep down, I should bother no more and just leave him. But I simply can´t, I dont have the courage or will to do it. I´m going through some major changes in life, some of them makes me sad, and i cant afford to loose another thing. And it infuriates me he cant be man enough to be by myside in this particular time...

And i cant stop thinking why is he like this (besides we are both too young, 22 and 24): if he is seeing another woman, or falling for someone, if he doesnt care anymore, if he´s sick of me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 5:17pm
Are you in therapy? It seems there are some larger issues here-none that he or anyone can solve for you. You have to do it yourself. You have to be mentally healthy to have a healthy relationship.

Relationships don't get better unless people change for the better and tackle the problems that lead to the break-ups or near break-ups.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 5:58pm
Well, I can't say I blame you for how you feel. He broke up with you without a *reason* that you could understand, then you slowly got back together - so basically at any moment he could do the same thing all over again....it's fear of that that I think leads to the jealousy along with your self-esteem. Nothing was resolved before getting back together, the issue(s) weren't addressed.

Please, please work on your self-esteem -

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz




Edited 12/29/2003 5:59:33 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:25am
Thank you both sooo much for your replies!!!

Answering your questiones, yes, i´m in therapy for a long time now.

Regarding the books, I´m from Argentina (south america), and those books cant be found (or cost a lot).

I´m very curious why both of you inmediately realize it has also something to do with personal issues. I mean, how do u realized?!. I think U R totally right! I need to be healthier mentally to be in a good relationship or to have a healthy life!!!

So, what do u think all this is about?! I know that my guy isnt a great communicator, ad keeps a lot of things to himself...so maybe, he has some serious issues too.

I need to see your point of view, u seem to be independent, mentally healthy (;-P) women who lived a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:49pm
Here are things in your original post that point to problems within yourself.

1) i have been more jelauos and with no confidence than ever, maybe it has something to do with the break up.

Again, I think it's fear that makes you feel this way, if he did it once he may do it again. Yet, if you trust him, or rather have enough confidence in yourself to KNOW and BELIEVE that you are exactly where you are suppose to be, doing exactly what you are suppose to be doing, knowing that it's all part of a grand plan, so to speak, the will of God, or the universe, your soul's mission, then you know you will have the strenght to go through it, expericen it and learn from it.

2) Today, by mail, we talked, and he said he doesnt know what´s up his head, that he needs to finds out, I asked if it has something to do with us and he says he doesnt know...

He's feeling that feeling again, the need to pull back. You are reading into it, or expecting the same thing to happen all over again (not that I blame you, the signs are there) but if you were centered, grounded, complete within yourself, you would just tell him, go do what you gotta do, I'll do my thing....and wish him well. Instead of being worried and scared of being alone without him in your life.

3) I know deep down, I should bother no more and just leave him. But I simply can´t, I dont have the courage or will to do it. I´m going through some major changes in life, some of them makes me sad, and i cant afford to loose another thing. And it infuriates me he cant be man enough to be by myside in this particular time...

This is an issue. You are clinging to what you know best (him) to help you get though the tough times. That's a huge responsibility to put on someone. It's different if he wanted to be that anchor for you, your support system. But it sounds that he's emotionally unavailable to your needs right now. So, it's time to turn to a different source for comfort (parents, family, friends, GOD) not him. You will not find happiness, joy, entertainment from another person, place or thing. It comes from within you. Sorry you are going through so many changes, but maybe this is God's way of calling you to God for strength, so you can see your boyfriend's shortcomings?

4) And i cant stop thinking why is he like this (besides we are both too young, 22 and 24): if he is seeing another woman, or falling for someone, if he doesnt care anymore, if he´s sick of me...

This is another issue - you are thinking of reasons that are all about you. That he doesn't care for YOU, he's sick of YOU, or choosing someone over YOU. It's probably not the case. Being clingy, needy, desperate is not attractive. Same with being jealous when in his mind you have no reason to be. It pushes him away. Makes him withdraw and pull away from you. Makes him question if he should continue the relationship. Focus on building your life around things you like, things that fill you up as a person and as a woman (like being creative, the right job, caring for others, having friends outside the relationship, doing something just for you.

As far as age, it may be a maturity thing, or it may be the fear of missing out on something, not having experienced *life* in the way he wants before he commits or settles down - and it's probably a good thing, because it's better than getting a divorce later on.

I wish I had a copy of one of the books I listed so I could mail it to you. You can get some good deals on ebay.com or a used book from amazon.com and I think if you read the descriptions some will ship internationally.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:45pm
Itwinflame! Sooo many "thanks yous" for your post.

Regarding your points:

1) I dont know if my goal in life it´s to .learn and learn from hurtfull situations, I´ve been through so many in my short life...

I need to be more secure, and to trust destiny... But I dont know why this relationship has soo many ups and soo many downs, and why are we both insecure and inmature persons individually.

2)I know he had some issues for a long time now, that had nothing to do with me, but he never gets to really puts his mind on them and try to solve them. That´s desperates me, because, he would say he needs to solve, but then he forgets about it and goes on with life as usual, and then again those issues surface. I also dont know what to really do, Im trying no te think of it, to go out with friends and stuff, but I will like to know wether to wait him, to meet other guys, etc.I wished him luck the other day, he say we´ll talk. That´s a big thing in our relationship, lack or bad communication!

3)Yes, maybe i´m clinging on him because i feel i´m loosing all the people that matter to me, and I dont want to miss another one.But he had been a great supporter of me throught our relationship, he was almost always there, caring and worrying.That´s why, i just simply relay on him, maybe i shouldnt.

4) That thoughts i´m trying to eliminate them from my mind. And i´m making plans with friends, and family and stuff. I have a great new job which i am very excited about, but no vacation and that discorage me a little.

The thing with the books at ebay, they are in dollar, and dollar are extremely expensive to us. But I´ll look for somthing similar in spanish.

thansk again