i don't know what i want anymore

Avatar for shortgrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
i don't know what i want anymore
9
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 11:42am

hello,


i have been in

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:12pm

I was with my boyfriend in college for 3 years. I totally lost my sex drive and never wanted to sleep with him as well. I slipped up one night and kissed another guy when I had had too much to drink at a bar. It crushed me. I felt terrible for doing it and went through a very similar thing that I think you're going through now. I questioned what I wanted and whether my act of infidelity (even though it was very small) "meant" something. I ultimately determined that it meant I was no longer in love with my boyfriend. For me, I knew that if I loved him enough, I would have never kissed another man... no matter how much I had had to drink. It was the icing on the cake with a lot of other little issues underneath but it was enough for me to reevaluate my relationship and I did end up leaving him.

It was the hardest thing but the best thing I've ever done for myself. If we had stayed together I never would have met the wonderful man that is my boyfriend now. I'm so happy with him. And the sex... well, lets just say that when you're with the right person, the sex is great.

I'd think about your relationship and try to figure out whether its really something you want to maintain. Are you happy? Do you really love him? Or do you feel like there's something else out there for you? If you do feel like that, as hard as it is, listen to that voice. It's there for a reason and it's tying to tell you something. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:51pm

I agree with ribbit that it sounds like you need to do some deep soul-searching and figure out whether or not you're truly in love and happy in your current relationship or if it's time to move on. You say you're a relationship-hopper, so it could be that you kissed the other guy just because you're feeling anxious over being with your current guy for so long, or it could be symptomatic of deeper problems in your relationship that you haven't been willing to address yet. Either way, sit down and give it some real thought and figure out whether you want to stay in the relationship or if it's time to let him go and move on. If you do decide to move on from him, however, I would suggest you make yourself take some real time to be alone for a while before you try another relationship. Just my two cents.... ;)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 6:51pm

Welcome to the board shortgrrl,


Emotional intimacy fuels sexual desire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 7:08pm

Welcome to the board,


If you didn't want to lose your bf and your life with him, then you wouldn't have risked it by kissing another guy.

Avatar for shortgrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 5:33pm

i think you are right... i am after that love in the first moments feeling. i can't get that back with my current boyfriend?


we have been together for nearly 7 years... i've never done anything like that before so i don't think it really means my relationship has run it's course.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 5:52pm
Read those books.
Avatar for shortgrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 7:36am

thankyou. i'm going to try that.
i think i know what i want now.

dana

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 8:17am

There's no need to mention this, it was just a kiss and will upset your boyfriend and your relationship needlessly. It's not unusual to have a strong attraction to another person in life. These can come and go. And, as you wisely say, you are grounded and don't want to lose or destroy the beautiful relationship you have.


You also say you've barely been single since you were quite young. There is another side to this matter. Perhaps you have not had enough time to explore yourself or your relationship to men? Perhaps there's a curiosity and desire within to know more. This would also be natural. It's a hard situation, however, if you really love the person you're with, taking time off to explore would certainly affect that.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2008
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 12:11pm

i'm scared... and i should mention that i am a relationship hopper. i haven't been single more than a month since i was 14. i'm 27 now.


After I got divorced many years ago I stayed single for a while.