I don't know where else to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
I don't know where else to go.
2
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:20pm
My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We've been married for nearly 4 years, and have a 2-year old little boy. About a year after we started dating, he confessed that his first sexual experience was with a man. He assured me that he wasn't gay. I decided to forgive and forget. About a year after that, after we had moved in together, I found several pictures of homoerotic pornography saved on our computer. I didn't confront him about it, but I did delete the file. Neither one of us have mentioned it. Later that year we became engaged, and a few months before our wedding, he had left his email account open. Though I would normally respect his privacy, I found several questionable emails addressed to him. I opened and read them and found them to be from a man. From what the man had written, and the subsequent replies left by my husband (which were attached to the emails) I found that they were planning a meeting at a hotel to have sex. In the emails my husband explained that he was going to be married and dearly loved me, but he wanted to have "one last fling" before he married me and decretion was paramount. I was distraught. I confronted him and he explained that he never met the other man, as he knew that I would be hurt and humiliated. A few months ago, my husband, again, left him email account open, and I saw an email from a National Singles site addressed to him. I searched the site until I found his listing, which was under the "Men Seeking Men" catagory. Again, he explained that descretion was of great importance. I confronted him and he assured me that nothing came of it. He hadn't been to that site in well over a year, and he felt utterly guilt-stricken. I believed him and forgave him for it. However, last night, I was searching for a file on our computer, and again, came across homoerotic pictures of men. I'm tortured by this. No matter how many times my husband has assured me that he is not gay, with all of the clues that have fallen in my lap over the last 8 years, I'm doubting his assurances. I dearly, truly love my husband and don't want to loose him, but at the same time, I don't want to be with him if he's having homosexual tendencies. I just don't know what to do. We've had our heart-to-heart coversations, and I've forgiven, but these things keep coming up. Should I confront him again? Should I just ignore this? Should I leave him and let him "find himself"? Please, help me. I feel so lost and alone. I would normally get advice from friends, but I don't have many close friends, and I would be too humiliated to bring it up with what few friends I have. Any advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:40pm
'I don't want to be with him if he's having homosexual tendencies.'

You chose to continue dating, marry and have a child with a man who has these 'tendencies' though.

He isn't going to change and you will always be checking his email. So decide if you can handle being married to a man who will probably sleep with another man (if he hasn' already) or if you should leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:25pm
He's disrespecting you and doubly putting your life at risk by sleeping with a man, especially one that he met on the net. Pull up your head out of the sand and pull up your roots, missy, and move on. It will be painful, but do you really want to put yourself through this misery? If you don't care about yourself, think of your child. Could you live with yourself if you put your child through that??