I don't think I love him anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
I don't think I love him anymore
9
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:31pm
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, at first, all I would talk about was how amazing he was, how much I loved him, how much I missed him when he was away....You know what I mean. I understand that after a while, the butterflys in your tummy feeling fades with every relationship, but lately, he leans in to kiss me, and I feel suffocated and trapped, all my muscles tense up and every part of me wants to pull away from him.
He's changed his sleeping patterns....and maybe i'm being very paranoid, but it seems like he's done it so he doesnt have to sleep with me at night, I go to sleep, he get up and stays up all night, then sleeps during the day when im awake. He does loads of nice things for me, so I cant complain about that, it's just, he buys little things to cheer me up, drives me nice places to make me happy and things like that, but then ignores me when we get home, Of course, I understand that he needs his own space and time to himself as everyone does.
I suffer from mannic depression, so that might well be stressful on his part dealing with my mood shifts, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's something that's beyond my control, although I've tried to explain several times in several different ways.
I don't want to leave him, but I can't stop thinking about my ex boyfriend for some reason, I KNOW that I don't love my ex, or really feel anything for him, although everyone thinks about their first love from time to time.
Basically, I cringe when my boyfriend kisses me and sometimes when he touches me, it makes me feel self concious when he touches me, but I don't understand why I pull away when he kisses me.
I feel a lot of distance between us, and I try to bring us closer again, but is that the right thing to do? Is it time to walk away? He keeps saying things like, "Why don't you find someone that makes you happy?" and "If you want to break up with me, then go ahead" why? I've never said I wanted to leave him, I've always told him that if I wanted to leave him, I'd say so, which I would. What's going on?
Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:51pm

Hi nightsrose and welcome to the board,


Are you taking medication for your manic depression? Are you seeing a counselor for this? If not, it may be good to start counseling to help you figure out what is going on and why you are feeling this way. Do you think that you are afraid that he might leave you so in order to protect yourself you are pulling away from him?


"He keeps saying things like, "Why don't you find someone that makes you happy?" and "If you want to break up with me, then go ahead" " Do you know why he says these things? It sounds like he can feel that you are unhappy and pulling away from him.


Have you asked him why he changed his sleeping schedule?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:34pm

Hi nightsrose,


It's hard to feel like kissing someone when you don't feel emotionally close to them or even spend time with them.


::I go to sleep, he get up and stays up all night


What does he do all night?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 1:36pm

He is essentially in a No-Win situation with you at this time. He tries to get close to you and you cringe, push him away and reject him. Yet, you also get upset if he doesn't come and share a bed with you according to your schedule. Think about it for a moment - how willing would you be to share a bed with a man that has repeatedly rejected you? When was the last time you actually did something positive and proactive to give to his wants and needs in your relationship?

He isn't happy and the message you are sending him is that you aren't happy and that his wants and needs are of little importance. As such your relationship is deteriorating.

Have you seen your Doctor recently and described your current moods and attitudes? Perhaps your treatment plan isn't doing what it was intended to do. I would suggest that you see your Doctor before making any relationship decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:15pm

'He keeps saying things like, "Why don't you find someone that makes you happy?" and "If you want to break up with me, then go ahead" why? I've never said I wanted to leave him'

Everytime you pull away, cringe or your skin crawls when he touches you are are saying that you want out. You are telling us that you don't love him yet you are surprised that he distances himself from you.

I think you each need to decide what you want for all the right healthy reasons, not the irrational insecure, dysfunctional ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:17pm
Thanks for pointing that out, I must not have read it correctly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:20pm
*


Edited 3/13/2007 4:21 pm ET by ciao__gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:21pm
Oops! I didn't mean to reply to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:33pm

Hi again,


After gina pointing out that:


"he leans in to kiss me, and I feel suffocated and trapped, all my muscles tense up and every part of me wants to pull away from him."


therefore he is picking up on it and

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 5:25pm

Sounds like a lot is going on. For starters, the two of you have completely different schedules. It's hard not to sleep together, for him to sleep when you're awake and then if he doesn't pay attention to you when you come home, where is the time for bonding and intimacy? It may not be there. Under conditions such as these it would be difficult to stabilize any relationship or feel satisfied.


However, you also mention that you have manic depression. If so, your mood swings, can be handled with the right medication and also the right psychological care. It's important for you to manage this condition as it can become difficult to live with.


Let him and let yourself know what you need in order to feel happy and cared for in a relationship. Don't be afraid to ask for time together.